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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

At a loss to understand what's going on with partner

203 replies

LadyLindaT · 16/02/2020 15:59

I have been with my partner for nearly 40 years, and he has always seemed a very kind and tolerant man.
We have been through a lot together, and have always been best friends.
In the last few months, however, he could start an argument in an empty room.
He gets red in the face, his hands shake, and he is just so verbally aggressive and confrontational about everything.
My daughter also noticed that he had started to make slightly racist and sexist comments about things on the TV that she has been very surprised by.
If I try to ask him anything about why he is so angry, he just says: "Oh, it couldn't be YOU, could it?"
He is 70.
If he were younger, I would suspect an affair, as I can't say or do anything right, lately.
He is still working, and I do suspect that there may be an element of depression related to that, but this verbal aggression is a new thing.
He is behaving as if he hates me, without any rational reasoning.
He will then offer to make tea, help in the garden, etc., as if nothing was said.
I know that the knee-jerk answer is dementia, but I have lived through that with my mother.
This is different.
It's just a sudden huge well of aggression that I don't understand.
As I say, I would normally associate this with an affair, where suddenly, you just can't do anything right, but there is no evidence of this, at the moment.
Can anyone advise how to deal with this?

OP posts:
LadyLindaT · 29/02/2020 19:48

Today started nicely and "normal".
Later on, not so much.
Then back to as if the nastiness had never happened.

I read the article in the Mail with interest.
What particularly resonates is being told that it's "just you".
At least that poor lady had an explanation for the behavioural change, and therefore has some evidence that it's not her fault.

OP posts:
Friendsofmine · 29/02/2020 20:18

OP have you decided to take any constructive action (for both your sakes)? This is a miserable existence with a potentially medical cause.

Friendsofmine · 29/02/2020 20:20

All we are suggesting is YOU call the GP for a chat, not try to force him to go. So that you can get support too!

LadyLindaT · 29/02/2020 22:30

He has agreed today to see a GP. One day at a time.

OP posts:
AnneKipanki · 01/03/2020 00:09

Good !

timeisnotaline · 01/03/2020 02:15

Definitely a good step! Be prepared to be disappointed though. I doubt he will let you go along and will he really say I’ve suddenly become an asshole who’s mean to my wife?

Fretfulparent · 01/03/2020 07:46

Will he let you go in with him?
If not either write a letter in advance and drop it in to the surgery. Or go yourself and discuss the problem so that the GP you see can forewarn the one your husband is seeing.

Salene · 01/03/2020 08:06

Definitely sounds like the start of dementia unfortunately

LadyLindaT · 01/03/2020 16:08

Not helpful that the current advice is that the over 60's shouldn't visit the GP because of Coronavirus. Handy!

OP posts:
Purpleartichoke · 01/03/2020 16:13

Heard a PSA during a podcast last week that might as well as been your OP. It was describing on type of early warning signs for dementia and encouraged contacting your GP.

LadyLindaT · 01/03/2020 16:44

Dear Purpleartichoke, any chance of a link to the podcast?

OP posts:
AnneKipanki · 05/03/2020 14:29

There is a parking thread in classics by OhCaptain that you might like @LadyLindaT.

LadyLindaT · 05/03/2020 15:12

Thanks @AnneKipanki Daughter was supposed to be coming to visit, which would have been lovely, but both of us have a high temperature and are unwell. Let joy be unconfined!

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 05/03/2020 17:14

Can you call the gp about your concerns and observations of his behaviour?

They won’t be able to discuss it with you but at least he won’t be able to not be honest with the doctor.

LadyLindaT · 26/06/2020 15:52

I am going to raise a Zombie thread to say this.
I seriously now believe that the cause of my partners sudden aggressive behaviour was Covid-19.
I think that the effects of this virus are more far-reaching that we are being told.
I am still suffering to the point of almost becoming dyspraxic.
This is an evil virus, and it is still out there.

OP posts:
Lillygolightly · 26/06/2020 15:57

Do you mean that he actually had Coronavirus? Or that he has been suffering with the stress/effects of the lockdown and social distancing etc?

Either way, I would still push this further with the doctors, he needs a brain scan.

LadyLindaT · 26/06/2020 16:19

I am the one that they think has had the Corona 19 virus, as I am still struggling with my breathing, so I would have thought that we both must have been affected.
I think it affected us both in very different ways.
Once he got over what seemed like a very strange week, where I honestly didn't recognise him, he has been absolutely fine, and is working efficiently from home, and has been his usual kind self, ever since.
There was just that one week where I honestly didn't recognise him, and I truly now believe that it was due to Covid 19.
He doesn't actually remember that one week of weirdness, nor anything he said and did during it.
It was like living with an alien!

OP posts:
LadyLindaT · 26/06/2020 16:35

I realised that I talked about months, so am not trying to minimise. I started to feel unwell with what I now suspect was Covid 19 from December, although the medical profession is reluctant to admit it. Other half went really strange in January. He seems to be OK now!

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 26/06/2020 16:39

Sorry you are not well OP.
But I'm very glad you have an explanation and that he is back to being his old self.
Thank goodness for that.
Rest up and get yourself back to 100%
Sending Flowers

ladamanera · 26/06/2020 16:40

So glad he is back to beingthe man you love! I cant imagine the joy of being with someone I loved and admired for 40 years- and maybe the temporary personality change brings with it a new fresh appreciation for His “real self”. You are both very lucky.

LadyLindaT · 26/06/2020 16:42

It was at back end of January and into February when we were still not being told the truth about this evil virus.

OP posts:
Apolloanddaphne · 26/06/2020 16:44

I am glad he is back to his old self now. Viruses and infections can affect the body in so many weird ways.

LadyLindaT · 26/06/2020 16:47

Thank you, lovely ladies, for your positive messages. We are hardly having the greatest of times at the moment, but at least we are together!

OP posts:
eugh · 26/06/2020 16:54

High blood pressure , in not a doctor but I think he needs to see someone as he's had a sudden personality change.

NoMoreDickheads · 26/06/2020 16:57

I did have a bug/temperature once that was so extreme it turned me aggressive for a night/out of character.

How are you getting on with each other now?

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