At a loss to understand what's going on with partner

[LadyLindaT]

I have been with my partner for nearly 40 years, and he has always seemed a very kind and tolerant man.
We have been through a lot together, and have always been best friends.
In the last few months, however, he could start an argument in an empty room.
He gets red in the face, his hands shake, and he is just so verbally aggressive and confrontational about everything.
My daughter also noticed that he had started to make slightly racist and sexist comments about things on the TV that she has been very surprised by.
If I try to ask him anything about why he is so angry, he just says: "Oh, it couldn't be YOU, could it?"
He is 70.
If he were younger, I would suspect an affair, as I can't say or do anything right, lately.
He is still working, and I do suspect that there may be an element of depression related to that, but this verbal aggression is a new thing.
He is behaving as if he hates me, without any rational reasoning.
He will then offer to make tea, help in the garden, etc., as if nothing was said.
I know that the knee-jerk answer is dementia, but I have lived through that with my mother.
This is different.
It's just a sudden huge well of aggression that I don't understand.
As I say, I would normally associate this with an affair, where suddenly, you just can't do anything right, but there is no evidence of this, at the moment.
Can anyone advise how to deal with this?

I think you need to make a DR appt for your husband as others have said it does sound like it could be dementia. My grandmother became incredibly angry when she first started showing the first signs of dementia. She would fly off the handle with my younger sister and my 2 youngest cousins for no apparent reason.

Does he have any health issues? Uncharacteristic anger is how my Dad’s high blood pressure often presented itself. Now it’s under control he hardly ever blows up in the red faced, shaking fists way any more.

I also suggest gently, at 70, that if you wanted to do things like go on holidays etc you start now. He really shouldn’t still be slogging away full time. If you want to start any where, start there. 70 is the new 60. If you are both healthy you have at least 15 good healthy years ahead of you (probably more)- don’t waste them on the daily grind if you can afford not to.

I think it was meant to be funny @Coolcucumber2020. A Mumsnet parking thread reference ( with diagrams ).

I think I love you, AnneKipanki. x

Any infection when older can cause personality changes, also blood sugar changes with possible diabetes - does he pass more water and get more thirsty by any chance?
It seems that you have time to assess and think about possible causes, keep an eye on him and time will tell. Don't jump to the conclusion he can help it though, as he might be developing a medical issue.
Why the surprise on his face when you mentioned the holiday in relation to his leaving? - had he forgotten there is a holiday booked, or is his mental processing also at fault if he can't equate leaving to not having a holiday?

When is he planning to move out?

What arrangements has he made to date?

What has he actually verbally said to you is the reason?

Maybe step back and just watch how it goes - if he is unwell I doubt he will have the capacity to arrange all of the logistics - and then it will come to a head.

Are you married? Do you have equal assets?

When he leaves what financial impact will this have on you? What alternative plans for your retirement will you make?

Do you need to see a solicitor?

Thanks @LadyLindaT

replying for the OP - not married, Gutterton.

Whilst I do feel it may be helpful for the op to have a chat with her GP about this change in behaviour, my exh had an affair when he was 67 culminating, after a month or so of utter vileness, in assault, obviously, true to the script, this only came out after we split. A friend’s husband left her when he was 70 for a younger model, and he’d always been lovely up to the last couple of months. So just because they’re old a change in personality does not necessarily mean dementia. It never occurred to me to talk to my GP about my ex’s vileness, but then he had always been fairly nasty, just ramped it up at the end.

OP does he realise that he's having these moments of not being his usual self? I know lots have mentioned dementia but people that have dementia aren't always aware that they have it. It might be if you ask him about his behavior that he'll be surprised. You said that he seemed surprised about not going on holiday after he said he was leaving. It's like he's not aware of it. Maybe you should see if a gp could carry out a home visit perhaps if you can't get him to the surgery. You can't carry on like this.

My grandad went like that before he had a stroke. Maybe a visit to drs is needed x

I think he has just decided to not like me very much any more, and, to be honest, to just be very grumpy. I am still keeping a watching brief. Some people do seem to be capable of just shutting down their feelings. Clearly, this must be true, or people would never have affairs, or just walk away from relationships, but they do, all the time. It doesn't always mean dementia. You can drive yourself mad, hypothesising what you have done wrong, when it may very little to do with you.

What’s he doing OP?
What’s he saying and planning?

I completely agree not to rule anything out just or because of age.

What I can't understand is why you don't feel the need after all these years to investigate this (just in case!) and honour your duty of care as a loving spouse.

Time will tell if this man goes onto to get a diagnosis or has a medical emergency I suppose. I would feel so let down if he was my relative and you didn't try to get him help. Just as I would if roles were reversed and you were my mum.

OP, are you frightened that it might be dementia or a brain tumour and that's why you don't want to explore the health possibilities?

I guess at some point you will probably find out OP but in the meantime, please remember to look after yourself.
I think keeping a watch is a good plan, it’ll give you time to make decisions and hopefully build a clearer picture.
Hang in there 💐

Can you go through his phone and computer and see if he's been chatting anyone else up, or been seduced by an online temptress? That'd be my guess.

Ooh, an online temptress! Interesting.

I am currently plodding on through our life, together, which, on the whole, he seems to be now ok with, as, clearly, he didn't leave when he said he would.

Whether I am happy with that is another matter.

I am very sensitive to the fact that he seems, recently, to have become a grumpy, judgmental old sod.

Daughter and I are keeping a watching brief.

Thank you everyone for your input and support.

I also think that it is better to address a doctor. He doesn't do such things all the time, there are only such periods. I don't want to make you worry, but he might have some health issues.

So he told you that he was moving out on x date - that came and went - he didn’t move?

So are you talking to him?

What was his explanation?

Has he another date?

Or are normal relations restored?

Was it a huff / storm in a tea cup - or are YOU planning a future without him?

Were you good at talking and resolving issues before this?

I am trying to nudge him towards a visit to the GP.
I can't just put him up in a carrier and make him go.
I will try to pick my moment to suggest it.
I do think that highly intelligent people can be very cunning at hiding both their fears and their symptoms.

LadylindaT, I really feel for you, I don't think some of the previous posters have been particularly fair or even nice to you regarding your post.
There is no way on earth you can get someone to the gp if they will not go so for all those having a go about her 'ignoring' the fact it could be medical what the actual fuck do you expect her to do???? Op has said she's keeping an eye on it and surely you all have a heart to realise she's every right to be upset that her long term partner is treating her like shite regardless of the cause.
Give me strength, I don't understand why when someone is obviously upset enough to post people feel the need to be abrupt and quite frankly mean. I despair sometimes.

Thank you, Zombieseverywhere. I am literally sitting crying in gratitude at your post. It's so, so hard to deal with this situation. I would never have posted if I wasn't at the end of my tether with worry. Perhaps I should have known better than to post anything, but I have known people be kind and supportive, on here, and I hoped I would get some support to help me keep going. I feel like I have walked into a lynch mob that won't be happy until I have shoved my partner into a care home, so they can all high-five each other and say "See, I told you it was dementia! Result!" We are real people with real feelings.

Is he being 'normal' today or 'grumpy' ?

It cannot be easy for you living with him like that.

There's an article in The Daily mail femail section today (online).
It's under the Bel Mooney section.
It's exactly the same issue, hope it's helpful.