At a loss to understand what's going on with partner

[LadyLindaT]

I have been with my partner for nearly 40 years, and he has always seemed a very kind and tolerant man.
We have been through a lot together, and have always been best friends.
In the last few months, however, he could start an argument in an empty room.
He gets red in the face, his hands shake, and he is just so verbally aggressive and confrontational about everything.
My daughter also noticed that he had started to make slightly racist and sexist comments about things on the TV that she has been very surprised by.
If I try to ask him anything about why he is so angry, he just says: "Oh, it couldn't be YOU, could it?"
He is 70.
If he were younger, I would suspect an affair, as I can't say or do anything right, lately.
He is still working, and I do suspect that there may be an element of depression related to that, but this verbal aggression is a new thing.
He is behaving as if he hates me, without any rational reasoning.
He will then offer to make tea, help in the garden, etc., as if nothing was said.
I know that the knee-jerk answer is dementia, but I have lived through that with my mother.
This is different.
It's just a sudden huge well of aggression that I don't understand.
As I say, I would normally associate this with an affair, where suddenly, you just can't do anything right, but there is no evidence of this, at the moment.
Can anyone advise how to deal with this?

I agree that there is no point in me whining. I hate being that person. It's just been very confusing when you live with someone for over 30 years who then won't talk to you, at all.

Oh op I really feel for you; you must be so bewildered and upset. It’s really difficult to say what the issue might be because there are many possibilities. It could be dementia or another physical condition, or depression or anxiety.

Can you try and talk to him when he’s in a more stable mood and ask him for your peace of mind to go and see his doctor? When he tells you that you’re the problem tell him that you need proof that it isn’t him.

I'm sorry op it sounds like a horrible situation for you and must be very distressing. I wonder if he has some awareness of his mood change and that it's making him more angry or something. I agree with a pp about trying to talk to him when he's in a more stable mood about going to the doctor.

I know that you don't know that it is dementia, but I had a look on the NHS page and it looks like they have some advice on a fact sheet about how to get someone to the doctor when they don't want to go. And it says there is more information on the Alzheimer's page also linked there. Maybe something you can use to help just get him to a doctor so that things can at least be ruled out.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/dementia/worried-someone-has-dementia/

It's just so sad to watch such a long and close relationship disappearing in this way. If he wants to be elsewhere or be with somebody else, just blooming be honest and say so.

I doubt this guy will go to a GP, and if he does he'll pass the crude MMSE test no problem.

FTP is tricky to diagnose because personality changes can't be tested. Or they aren't, at any rate, by GPs, so you don't get anywhere.

FTP is rare and DP is too young for Alzheimer's to affect him this badly, so it's worth considering the numerous other likely causes.

I would talk to the GP first about your concerns - DP could be having strokes, any number of problems. Many of these are fixable. Go yourself, tell them what the probs are, and see if they can get him to the surgery.

I doubt that I can just rock up at my GP and just say that partner has suddenly turned into a horrible git. (It was hard enough getting an appointment for me, for what turned out to be pneumonia!) I am sorry, but the key word is still bewilderment. I definitely need some financial and practical advice, now.

Do you have any savings or shared investments? I think an hour with a family lawyer would be useful. It might be worth looking to see what benefits you could get.

FTP is rare and DP is too young for Alzheimer's to affect him this badly, so it's worth considering the pnumerous other likely causes.

You are ill informed there PP.

Please speak to your GP before you throw your marriage away over a potential medical issue he doesn't have insight into!

Another one saying see your gP yourself and discuss it. I know somebody who was exactly like this and had dementia. You need advice even if he won’t see the GP. It’s not that he hates you suddenly it really sounds like a medical problem

As of today, he says he's moving out at the weekend, so there is not really much I can do about that. I think it is very cruel to just suddenly announce this. You would have thought that all our happy years together would be worth taking into account before just walking away. I am panicking at being left so suddenly in the lurch, especially financially. I am sitting here wondering where to start. Little things also hit you, like theatre tickets arriving for something you booked together. We only RSVP'd to my daughter's wedding last week, so it's not as if I had any warning that this was coming.

Wow, I wonder what the hell is going on with him?

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I hope you find some answers soon.

Is your daughter his daughter?

Please see a solicitor to see where you stand.

Op, what about his friends and family? Is there nobody you can ask to talk to him?

Sorry this all seems weird. But whatever the reason, I think the only thing you can do, is accept the situation for now. Find a lawyer and get the financial situation made clear.

Perhaps he needs to move to see things clearly, hopefully it is only a bump. If you need an explanation (who wouldn't) and he still doesn't want to talk to you, then as pp have suggested ask a friend, family, your/his? dd to talk to him. And down the line ask yourself if you want him back, if this is how he treats you. (even people in their 70ties have affairs).

Sorry OP, I would hazard a guess now he says he is moving out, that there is more than likely another woman on the scene. As @madambee has said..even people in their 70s have affairs.

This sounds incredibly difficult

First stop is a solicitor, they may also have a financial advisor they can recommend. Obviously professional advice comes at a price so remember they are there for practical advice and to be focused in the meeting.

Second stop - friends, family, therapist for the emotional support you are lacking.

It all sounds very strange - either he is mentally or physically unwell, or there is someone else. Neither of which is your fault. Take steps to protect yourself in the meantime until you know what is what. I am so sorry you find yourself in this position.

Thank you everyone for your support.

I just don't know who he is, anymore. All I can get out of him is: "I don't want to live like this.", which could mean anything, really, including "There's someone else I want to be with." !

I would have gone straight to Citizens Advice (free!) but I am currently working with them on another matter, and I don't want to muddy the waters too much. I think men are more trouble than they're worth, and I'll stick to cats from now on! I held off on getting cats, because I thought we were going to move to Spain, together, and I was waiting to give them their "forever home". Now, it looks like I will have no bloody home!

I think at this point you need to just hang back and let him get on with it.
Nothing you say is going to make a difference and maybe some space between you will help. There's obvious something going on, I think he'll find moving out hasn't been the solution to his happiness either so let him crack on and see where it gets him.
Take a bit of a firmer stance, be pragmatic about it, he might just be treating you this way because he's an arse and he can, who knows

I think all you can do is pack his bag and let him go. Make other arrangements for yourself going forward and keep an ey on him from a distance (if possible) so you will know soon enough if he is with a new partner. At least that way you will be protecting yourself and you will have answers.

Firstly, I'm so sorry this is happening it sounds horrendous. Can I ask a few questions?

1. How is he otherwise in terms of managing day to day things? Is he struggling with managing his finances? Sequencing complex tasks?

1. If you bought a new DVD player, do you think he would be able to learn how to use all the features? Or would he give up?

1. If you take him out of his comfort zone eg take him somewhere he's never been before, how does he do? Would he struggle to find his way around? Would he know how to behave socially or would he feel unconfident?

1. How does he manage change to his routine? Eg if you always have chicken on Thursdays how would he react if you suddenly had beef?

1. How is his sleep and appetite at the moment? Energy levels? Has he lost interest in things he would normally enjoy? Has he become pre occupied with his health or something else new? Is he worrying over anything?

1. Is there anything else physically going on? Headaches? Night sweats? Change in weight? General change in level of activity up or down?

I'm wondering specifically if any of the answers would be different now to answers you would have given a year ago.

My daughter is not his daughter, but we have been together since she was 18 months old, and we were colleagues and good friends long before that.

He was my rock through very difficult times, and my daughter loved and respected him, until recently.

I really thought that we had each others' backs.

We have been through so many things together, that this has just blind-sided me.

It seems so cliched to immediately think OW, but men don't usually just leave, do they? (Sorry to generalise! )

As I have said, he is still working, and can afford to just rent somewhere else immediately.

I still wonder, though, if this is some form of "mid-life crisis", albeit a bit late in the day.

I would suggest counselling, but there seems little point if he is so determined to just walk away.

It's so painful trying to unpick this. We even have a holiday booked for June.

At this rate @LadyLindaT , I think you should look at cancelling the holiday .
Will he still be at the wedding ?

It all does seem so bizarre and sudden . If he is going to go then let him ..not much else you can do .

Will a GP do a home visit for your husband if he is behaving so oddly ?
Can you phone the medical practice and speak to a ' duty doctor ' and explain the bizarre changes in his behaviour ?
Is he behaving normally at work ?

It may be he is fine medically and just wants to leave .

Is it finances that concerns him? I mean this very gently but I've noticed that you don't work so do you have income of your own? He might be very worried about supporting you both during his retirement.

Frankly though, if you were my mum I'd want him to go anyway. He has behaved appallingly assuming there is not a medical problem.

Have you actually sat him down, and asked him what you have done wrong? (in his eyes, I mean) Won't he give a straight answer? You at least deserve that.

I wouldn't rule out an affair/OW, merely because he's 70. My FIL started a relationship at around that age (he was a widower). It's quite obvious that they have a physical relationship, they sleep in the same bed etc.

Where does he work? What opportunities are there to meet other women?