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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

At a loss to understand what's going on with partner

203 replies

LadyLindaT · 16/02/2020 15:59

I have been with my partner for nearly 40 years, and he has always seemed a very kind and tolerant man.
We have been through a lot together, and have always been best friends.
In the last few months, however, he could start an argument in an empty room.
He gets red in the face, his hands shake, and he is just so verbally aggressive and confrontational about everything.
My daughter also noticed that he had started to make slightly racist and sexist comments about things on the TV that she has been very surprised by.
If I try to ask him anything about why he is so angry, he just says: "Oh, it couldn't be YOU, could it?"
He is 70.
If he were younger, I would suspect an affair, as I can't say or do anything right, lately.
He is still working, and I do suspect that there may be an element of depression related to that, but this verbal aggression is a new thing.
He is behaving as if he hates me, without any rational reasoning.
He will then offer to make tea, help in the garden, etc., as if nothing was said.
I know that the knee-jerk answer is dementia, but I have lived through that with my mother.
This is different.
It's just a sudden huge well of aggression that I don't understand.
As I say, I would normally associate this with an affair, where suddenly, you just can't do anything right, but there is no evidence of this, at the moment.
Can anyone advise how to deal with this?

OP posts:
LadyLindaT · 20/02/2020 13:00

I did wonder if there was an element of retirement panic, and that he was looking into the abyss. I fail to see how us splitting up is going to help, though. I own the house and it's worth quite a bit, with a very small (comparatively) final mortgage payment. I suggested a while ago that we sit down together and look at financial planning, selling the house, or even, dare I say it, Equity Release.

OP posts:
HuskyloverI · 20/02/2020 13:04

Equity release would be a disastrous decision!

Pumpkinpie1 · 20/02/2020 13:11

I don’t know how your marital status will affect your rights but it’s clear however difficult you need urgent legal & financial advice
Gather together as much documents etc pensions bank accounts etc as you cAn
You need to let your daughter help you !
Whether it’s health or an affair or something else you need to safeguard yourself
Look at your wills insurance beneficiaries to make sure your daughter is your appointee my mother unfortunately forgot to do this

Cotswolds10 · 20/02/2020 13:12

On a very tiny note of intermediate financial assistance... if he suddenly moves out, can you rent a room to an lodger as a temporary measure just while you decide what to do next? I know it doesn’t address the much bigger issue but financial panic in the middle of all this is the last thing you need. It could provide a buffer if the worst comes to the worst while you sort things out in the longer term. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Is there anyone at his work you can have a discreet chat to? If this is medical, he would surely be showing signs of out of character behaviour there, too?

Happygirl79 · 20/02/2020 13:13

The signs are pointing to OW
but because of his age you think its unlikely and may be health related.
If you can't get him to a GP then you must let him leave
Time will tell pretty quickly if its OW and if its not then keep an eye out for him regarding his health since you clearly adore him
But in the meantime get a snapshot of yours and his finances
I really wish you good luck for your future

Pumpkinpie1 · 20/02/2020 13:17

You mention moving to Spain who wanted this? How was it being funded if you are having financial struggles ,is that why he’s still working at 70?
You mention a fall out between him and your daughter was that about money or ?

Pumpkinpie1 · 20/02/2020 13:19

I wonder if there’s money issues you don’t know about ie a loan he’s taken our , a remortgage ?

AlternativePerspective · 20/02/2020 14:12

OP is it possible that he knows he’s ill be that through him noticing the change in his own behaviour or because he’s been to the GP without your knowledge and this is his wanting to protect you from it?

I know the easy conclusion to jump to is OW but this really doesn’t sound like it as it’s not only you he’s lashing out at.

LadyLindaT · 20/02/2020 14:19

We weren't having financial struggles. I was proposing to sell the house to help fund a smaller retirement property together in Spain. He was all in favour of this. Daughter has never fallen out with him. She is as bewildered as I am.
To be honest, if it's an OW, who cares? She will be bloody welcome to him.

OP posts:
Pumpkinpie1 · 20/02/2020 17:33

I just wondered if his behaviour changes coincided with you asking about your finances, selling up and buying property together?
Can you really afford your lifestyle or has he been hiding things from you? Gambling, poor investments?
He is older to not to have retired yet, I wondered if he felt he couldn’t
How is he behaving at work with friends etc, has anyone else noticed his behaviour

Herringbone31 · 20/02/2020 17:37

I had this. As much as I don’t want to scare you. I had a rare type of brain tumour. I would get him checked over.

I was fine. Then suddenly. From nowhere I started getting slightly irritated. Only for maybe an hour a day. I would pour with sweat from my head. And only down one side of my head.

Eventually it became more often. Daily. I couldn’t control it at all. I would see red even if someone asked me how I was.

Then it ended up being all the time. The doctor said I was depressed. It took years and years of doctors. I started having jerking movements. First in my sleep. Which I was told was normal. Then around 6-700 times a day. That was when it was picked up.

Lozzerbmc · 20/02/2020 17:52

I’m sorry you’re going through this its awful.

Has he friends or colleagues you can speak with to see how he behaves with them?

LadyLindaT · 20/02/2020 18:22

I really wish he was as predictable and cliched as one might like to think.

He seems healthy, of sound mind, perfectly organised and just has decided to leave.

I suppose it happens, but I really don't get it.

I suppose that is little point in driving myself mad trying to work it out.

OP posts:
ThePollutedShadesOfPemberley · 20/02/2020 18:55

It will all become clear in due course OP.

LadyLindaT · 20/02/2020 19:35

Am I allowed to swear?

OP posts:
theoriginalmadambee · 20/02/2020 19:49

OP, of course you are allowed to swear, it might do you good Smile.

AnneKipanki · 20/02/2020 20:32

God , yes !
I think there is even a sweary thread!

AnneKipanki · 20/02/2020 20:41

Rant here all you like !

LadyLindaT · 23/02/2020 14:56

I wish there was a like button on here.

OP posts:
AnneKipanki · 23/02/2020 16:07

I think you can put in smiley faces and grins Smile

AnneKipanki · 23/02/2020 16:07

How are you today?
Has he moved out ?

kingofkings · 23/02/2020 16:08

MyG has personality changes due to a brain tumour and brain injury. Very similar

Lordamighty · 23/02/2020 19:12

In your position I would be helping him pack.

Babooshkar · 23/02/2020 19:19

How are things going OP?

Really123456 · 23/02/2020 19:28

Have you sat down and tried to calmly (if possible) work out why he has a problem with you? Maybe agree some rules before hand like, no interrupting each other, writing key points down and then agreeing 3 things to work on and review in a week? Hope your OK @LadyLindaT FlowersCakeWine

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