At a loss to understand what's going on with partner

[LadyLindaT]

I have been with my partner for nearly 40 years, and he has always seemed a very kind and tolerant man.
We have been through a lot together, and have always been best friends.
In the last few months, however, he could start an argument in an empty room.
He gets red in the face, his hands shake, and he is just so verbally aggressive and confrontational about everything.
My daughter also noticed that he had started to make slightly racist and sexist comments about things on the TV that she has been very surprised by.
If I try to ask him anything about why he is so angry, he just says: "Oh, it couldn't be YOU, could it?"
He is 70.
If he were younger, I would suspect an affair, as I can't say or do anything right, lately.
He is still working, and I do suspect that there may be an element of depression related to that, but this verbal aggression is a new thing.
He is behaving as if he hates me, without any rational reasoning.
He will then offer to make tea, help in the garden, etc., as if nothing was said.
I know that the knee-jerk answer is dementia, but I have lived through that with my mother.
This is different.
It's just a sudden huge well of aggression that I don't understand.
As I say, I would normally associate this with an affair, where suddenly, you just can't do anything right, but there is no evidence of this, at the moment.
Can anyone advise how to deal with this?

Well, if for 40 years he has been a stable, loving and kind husband to you then it's very clear there's an issue going on with him that indicates dementia and I don't think you should turn your back on him just yet if this is a health problem that he cannot control

You can call your doctor and express your concerns. They can call him into the surgery on the premise of an over 70s check up/ medication review and do the check for dementia then

I did it for my mum when I became concerned at memory changes and they were more than happy to do it

As people get older they sometimes regret things they didn’t do in their younger days, with the realisation that their impending old age means they won’t be able to now. Maybe he’s feeling a bit dissatisfied with his life and wishing he had done more with his life and is taking it out on you?

So is he still working because he enjoys his work or purely for financial reasons? If the latter, maybe he's resentful for having to support both of you, thinks if he's by himself hecan retire now?
You say you are panicing about your finances but of there is a lot tied up in your house, you can sell and buy a smaller one. If you wre thinking of moving to Spain anyway, then you aer not attached to the house as such by thesound of it.

Thank you, everyone.
I am still alive, although I am still not quite sure where I stand.
I do think people may have misconstrued the reference to Spain, as if I were some rich, spoilt person.
It was my partner that always was suggesting that we look for somewhere in Madrid. It was his goal.
I do wonder whether Brexit has contributed towards depressing him.
I am not going to give up and throw away all our years together without at least trying to get an understanding as to why.
I have tried to suggest that we sit down and talk.
Some of it has worked, but I am only human, and I am still really hurting at the idea that, after all this time together, your partner and best friend would think that they can just walk away without even attempting to discuss it with you first.

Have you had a chat ?

Is there anyone else he is close to who might have noticed this change in character? Someone you could discuss it with?

It might be easy for him to dismiss it when you try to discuss it, blaming you instead, but if it came from someone else maybe he'd be more inclined to listen and perhaps go to the doctor.

I’m so sorry, OP, it all seems distressing and bewildering. He seems to be making you play this guessing game with his motives. Why ever would it be ‘you’? He owes you a sodding explanation if he plans to move out after 40 years. 🌸

I think if he is seventy op a sudden change in personality would have me looking more at illness rather than an affair. Many things can cause a change in behaviour, from brain tumour to mental illness or dementia.

The sudden racism, sexism and anger would point me to illness.

However if he won’t see a doctor. He won’t see a doctor. I’d make an apt for the gp and explain his behavioural changes.they may be able to do something to get him in under the ruse of a check up due to his age.

I am feeling a bit "played", at the moment. I suggested that we had a proper talk, which resulted in him not leaving last week. I am currently watching the skies and reserving judgement. I still feel that I am owed an explanation as to why someone thinks that it's ok to just flounce off like that after such a long relationship. I do wonder if the condition is that I have to become a Stepford wife... Well, that won't work!

You seem rather determined to play this out as a relationship drama as opposed to a health issue.

Why is that? I mean, you know him so crack on. But you also say that for decades he has been nothing but kind and gentle. Why won't you accept what seems to be the obvious which is a decline in his functioning that requires both you and your daughter to step up and help him with - that is, seeking outside involvement

Would you want him to do this to you? Or would you expect him to get you the help you're unable to get yourself?

I understand the OP, PrettyyGood. Many poster have advised her to let him crack on with it. What is op supposed to do? Her husband refuses to interact. Until he opens up, she has no way of knowing or helping.

Hope you are sort of okay @LadyLindaT and that your dd has your back.

You seem rather determined to play this out as a relationship drama as opposed to a health issue.

Why is that? I mean, you know him so crack on. But you also say that for decades he has been nothing but kind and gentle. Why won't you accept what seems to be the obvious which is a decline in his functioning that requires both you and your daughter to step up and help him with - that is, seeking outside involvement

This.

More than anything, the behaviour you have described sounds like it probably has a medical explanation. Lots of people have suggested the early stages of dementia. My mum’s behaviour changed significantly as a result of a brain tumour. These may seem like scary possibilities, but there may well be things that can be done medically to alleviate the symptoms. You can’t force him to go to the doctor but you could certainly speak to the doctor yourself and explain your concerns.

For everyone that won't be satisfied until my partner has dementia, may I please reiterate that I am keeping a watching brief, and will take appropriate action.

Suggesting dementia is all well and good, and a possible reality, but OP can't force him to a DR, so it's essentially a moot point.

I think the only thing to do is to accept what he's saying and do what you can to prepare yourself financially and mentally. Perhaps simply taking him at face value, ensuring he's moving out and starting the splitting process will focus his mind, and provide some insights for you.

Sad fact is sometimes people just turn into arseholes for reasons unknown.

I don't want him to have dementia! That's a ridiculous thing to imply. I can only go on what you're writing yourself and you write that he has effectively changed his personality - the one that's been fixed in place for all the decades you've known him.

I just believe that in a marriage you have a duty to help your other half. And I know you can't force him to a doctor but that's not a moot point at all. Health professionals are all too aware of how dementia works and that people don't tend to trot off to the doctor. You call and you explain the situation and they will call them in on a medication review/ health check.

Anyway, that's just my view. I'll back off now and not post again. I suspect this one will run and run ..

Brain tumours can also cause sudden personality changes. Not what you want to hear, sorry op. Either way if he will attend an appointment it's a step towards finding out. If he won't seek help, maybe you need to put yourself and your own quality of life first.

I had no intention to "play" anything out as any form of "drama". I posted, initially, out of genuine bewilderment, and to see if anyone else had any insights to share that might give me a steer. Thank you to all the lovely people who have tried to be kind and helpful. Your kindness has been really appreciated during a time of great stress. I am taking things one day at a time at the moment, which isn't easy. Essentially, I have come to believe that some people are actually capable of just turning their emotions off like a tap, and I find that very hard to understand or process. In an ideal world, everyone would be open and honest and communicate their feelings, but people often lie and cheat and cause unecessary pain and hurt, as evidenced almost every day on this site. They also often park very badly.

PrettyGood well said. Watched a close member of family go through something similar. He too, refused to go to his GP although his behavioural changes were obvious to all but himself. He had a massive stroke. Had we had the advice given here we would have moved heaven and earth to get him to GP earlier where he could have been referred on. Insist on MRI not just CT scan.

Op, you know your husband. Has he cheated before? I know seventy year old men are capable of it, but if he has not before, would it not be unlikely for the first time at this age?

If he’s never been prone to anger, racism, or sexism, would this not indicate the behavioural change is down to something else?

Would you just find it easier if this was a relationship issue rather than a health one? The latter being something you’d cope with less? You seem angry at the thought.

I don’t know, but I think because of his age, many of us are struggling to understand why you are assuming the behavioural changes are due to something in the relationship rather than a health issue. You haven’t articulated anything in your relationship prior that would indicate this was likely.

Has he even got time to cheat, where would he do this? The whole thing is just a little hard to understand really.

Many health issues can cause behavioural changes, not just dementia.

You seem rather determined to play this out as a relationship drama as opposed to a health issue.

I agree. It seems so obvious an observations list and chat with GP (without your husband if he declines) is the way forward.

This man isn't well. Everything you have posted is pointing me to think that.

Essentially, I have come to believe that some people are actually capable of just turning their emotions off like a tap

Unless there's something major you're not sharing,to have a partner suddenly change personality after so many years suggests a health problem. I am with the PPs who don't understand why you're so determined not to at least look into this.

It does sound like it has a medical cause. The suddenness
The racism and sexism.

My relative became aggressive before Alzheimer’s and another became aggressive whilst having cirrorhosis of the liver undiagnosed. Confusion is often a sign of infection.

Speak to a doctor about your concerns and take their advice.

Also possibly a stroke.

OP I’m actually confused myself by your last post. I don’t really understand what is going on. You seem detached and talking about parking?

Talk to your closest relative I urge you.

Op, why don’t you just call your gp, when he is out, explain about the personality changes, the anger, aggression, the sexism, racism, etc.

They will be more than used to dealing with patients who don’t wish to see a doctor, and will advise on options for them to see him

If they conclude there is nothing wrong, then you can decide he just doesn’t love you or is cheating, and take it from there,

But I think at this age, after so many decades together, you have a duty of care to one another.

If it was you, and you suddenly started doing this, I’m sure you’d wish him to do the same for you, call a doctor and try to see if there was something wrong and you needed medical help.

In reality that call is better made sooner rather than later.