Is this financial abuse? Or am I just being spoiled?

[Breathingunderwater]

I’m very lucky in that we agreed after dc2 - now 3 - id be a sahm. Dh works aboard quite a bit so it seemed sensible that I be at home and he is a high earner.
He gives me a set amount of money each month that covers my expenses - car insurance, phone bill, petrol, some of the food bill and also clothes etc for the children (we have two of them). It is just enough - just enough - to get by. After I’ve taken out the above expenses I have about £300 a month free which should be plenty but I also have the dc all the time so if I take them anywhere then it comes out of that money too. If I want anything myself - like I needed my hair cutting - I had to ask dh for the money.
Sometimes he will pay for extra things but he often says the bank is closed and he’s not spending anything else.
He has a lot lot lot more free income than me but then he’s earned it so it’s his money - I mainly struggle in the holidays when basically I’ve got £10 a day for the three of us to do anything which doesn’t go far.
My friends asked me on a spa day recently for one of their birthdays and there’s no way I could afford to go, dh goes on golf holidays / nights away for things if he wants to. But then it is his money and I have been lucky enough to stay home so I don’t know. It doesn’t always feel fair but given that I’m not adding anything I don’t know.

You're 'very lucky' he's keeping you as a house maid/nanny?

He wouldn't be able to have a fancy well paid job abroad and going off on his jaunts if you weren't there to look after the DC

I’m a SAHM to 3 children and all money is family money. Obviously it’s not an unlimited pot so we have to discuss bigger purchases, but there’s absolutely no way DH would be happy going off on weekends away etc while I couldn’t afford to do the same.

Why do you describe yourself as “very lucky”? Doesn’t sound lucky to me, to be financially dependent on a cunt like him who lives the life of Reilly but keeps you short of money.

How would he react if you got a job and he had to pay for at least half the childcare?

It's financial abuse.

I would plan to return to full time work ASAP if I was in your shoes.

So, in answer to your question, yes, you're being financially abused.

Oh I’m sorry darling but this sounds very unfair. If he can have money to spend on leisure then so should you.

If you weren’t there how much a year would a live in nanny, housekeeper and cook cost him. A bloody fortune!

It isn’t ‘his’ money. It is family money.
His attitude is not conducive for you to continue as a SAHP. If you are working outside the home, then part of his salary will be used toward childcare expenses.

You are contributing childcare this enables him to do his high flying job. No way should you be struggling while he spends money on whatever he wants. Your money should be shared.

You're not living as a family, he's paying you a low wage to look after his kids and sort the house.

‘The bank is closed’?! What a wanker!

He's being a tightwad, unattractive trait.

Insults aside - He should be paying for all the food and the children's activities - in short you're a team and you should have a joint account and access to it. And sit down to have money discussions as a team not unilaterally.

I’ve just ended a 13 year relationship where I’ve paid for 85% of the family expenses, literally every penny I earned has been spent and I had nothing left for myself. Meanwhile my partner was running up enormous debts and unable to contribute.
What I would say, is that I’ve been told for years that a marriage should be equal, that means finances too.
Your job is raising the kids, it just so happens to be unpaid. You’ve given up a career to bring up your children and presumably take on the house work too.
You should not have to ask for money. You should have access to a joint bank account.
It is common courtesy to make financial decisions together, but to have to scrimp whilst he’s earning a decent wage and I assume not consulting you about going away, is not fair.
I realise I sound like a hypocrite given the situation I’ve been in, but I can finally see the wood for the trees and if I had this lightbulb moment years ago and pushed for equality I wouldn’t have been bled dry.

It’s financial abuse.

You should have equal fun money.

It’s just so expensive with the children in the holidays. And at the weekends really, but the holidays are a real struggle. I’ve sold some things on fb / eBay to try and make sure we’ve got a bit of extra money next week.

Right now I’m studying and dependent on my DH financially. Our expenses are paid and all extra money is split equally.

Lucky to have so much money but should have sorted out finances clearly before you agreed to be the one staying at home. If you decide to go bsck to work how much would decent childcare cost including emergency cover? Have the talk now.

Sell some of his stuff to really ram it home to him.

It's financial abuse. If you divorced him you'd be much, much better off and he needs to realise that.

Plan on getting a job!

Do you ask him for more money?

She hasn't got so much money though, she's having to sell things.

I personally don’t think you’re lucky being stuck at home, tied to the house. It sounds awful. Can you not work and earn your own money?

You need to get a job and become more independent. This guy is not your friend and you have put yourself into an extremely vulnerable position here. As long as you rely on his money, you'll have no choices and that is dangerous.

He won’t budge on anymore money.
If we go out as a family he pays for everything, but it’s pretty rare we go out as family. It’s usually just me and the children.