Is this financial abuse? Or am I just being spoiled?

[Breathingunderwater]

I’m very lucky in that we agreed after dc2 - now 3 - id be a sahm. Dh works aboard quite a bit so it seemed sensible that I be at home and he is a high earner.
He gives me a set amount of money each month that covers my expenses - car insurance, phone bill, petrol, some of the food bill and also clothes etc for the children (we have two of them). It is just enough - just enough - to get by. After I’ve taken out the above expenses I have about £300 a month free which should be plenty but I also have the dc all the time so if I take them anywhere then it comes out of that money too. If I want anything myself - like I needed my hair cutting - I had to ask dh for the money.
Sometimes he will pay for extra things but he often says the bank is closed and he’s not spending anything else.
He has a lot lot lot more free income than me but then he’s earned it so it’s his money - I mainly struggle in the holidays when basically I’ve got £10 a day for the three of us to do anything which doesn’t go far.
My friends asked me on a spa day recently for one of their birthdays and there’s no way I could afford to go, dh goes on golf holidays / nights away for things if he wants to. But then it is his money and I have been lucky enough to stay home so I don’t know. It doesn’t always feel fair but given that I’m not adding anything I don’t know.

Oh no OP. That's a very tight leash you are being kept on.
It must be very stressful trying to budget and manage on a sum that is nowhere near enough. It is not right that you'd rather sell stuff than ask him for more. Have you any friends or family who can help you talk through your next steps? If he's controlling about money it's not likely he'll be easy if you try to leave.

I'm currently a SAHM for similar reasons - DH high earner and travels - although going back in a couple of months part-time. I get money each month like a salary but the difference is firstly it's a decent amount and secondly I also have access to the joint account and credit card should I need to make any big purchases and we try and ensure we both get similar trips with friends and treats.

Talk to family and or friends. Do it now while your children are young. You don't want them to see you treated like this or for the control to get worse as they get older.

Good luck.

OP I hope the reactions on here have shown you that this isn't right.

Get some legal advice, and start putting some plans together to get away from this arsehole.

And take him to the fucking cleaners when you do it. Miserable bastard. I hope you tell people that you can't afford things because DH keeps you short too.

This makes me really cross. I'm sorry but you aren't 'lucky' and you are being financially abused. If I were in your shoes I would be looking for full time work as soon as possible and making it crystal clear that you've been left with no choice in the matter as you can't provide adequately for your children on your 'allowance'. On top of that I would also be making it crystal clear that the children are a 50:50 responsibility from now on and he needs to do half of all sick days and holidays. That is a direct consequence of you not having enough funds to provide for them without going back to work. I'm so sorry to be blunt but men like this are just total w**kers and shouldn't be allowed to continue thinking that behaving like this is in anyway right.

Ok so I live similar situation my husband works away month on month off we have two children. I work 10 hours which gives me £180PW , when he is home we always use his bank card to pay for most things, when away I have my weekly £180 plus he gives me £100 so I have £280 for food , taking kids out and petrol . If I need to buy anything I ask him, he occasionally moans but will also give me it

The difference is he is desperately trying to pay our mortgage off which will be done next Feb, so we can be debt free. He covers all the bills and does control the joint account but only because I can't be trusted not to go crazy and blow loads (which I did once)

All the money is ours though as my wage is minimal. I would be expecting access to all your account.?

I have access to all ours but I don't go into , we both discuss any large purchases between us and that works both ways.

I have a friend who has been in this situation for over 25 years. Her husband is an extremely high earner but absolutely considers that the money he earns is his money and that he ‘pays’ her to be at home. Once the children were in school she could take on part time work but he then cut her allowance accordingly. On the outside they have a fantastic lifestyle but it is entirely on his terms.
Despite being a beautiful outgoing woman her self esteem has been completely eroded as his withholding of money extended to the withholding of affection and time.
Please do not tolerate this. If you have children and a mortgage free house then you will survive if you separate and more importantly so will your dignity and self respect.

It's financial abuse. You should have half
his the money.
I wouldn't recommend getting a job. (Will it match his salary?) I would recommend seeing an expensive solicitor and billing it to him. Then take him for half of all he's got.
Or at least scare him with this. And change things for good.

It's appalling that he's living the high life while you have to scramble around for things to sell on face book/ eBay.

I live on 800 pm (skint but working single mum in terrace house) and I have £30 per weekend to spend on kids. Plus £100 - 200 spends for this half term days out/cinema/ trips etc. I budget this.
You should be living on a LOT more. You should massively out spend me (as you're rich (no offence)), not less!

I should of said he gives me £100 a week so I have £280 a week for food and taking kids out, if I buy kids any clothes etc he transfers extra to me while away

OP, many people (mainly women) manage to be single parents, work and look after kids.

It's hard. I have done it, so know its really hard.

Do you know what, it was easier than living with someone who does this sort of shit.

And you will get a really good amount of CMS and at (probably) at least half the house. Having control over your own finances is so much better.

You might not even have to work full time. Though I recommend working because when you kids get older and CMS stops you want a good income. Also you think about your pension.

OP, you deserve better.

So what are you going to do about it OP? It's obvious you can't continue like this.

It is op sorry. Try and get a job to get some security

Why is he rarely with you even when he isn’t working away?

What exactly does he bring to the table?

He's on 100k post tax, and mortgage free, and you're doing food shops on £30, and you're having to sell stuff on ebay to take the DC on a day out? Fucking hell, he is a financially abusive arsehole.

You should have the same amount to spend on things you don’t need, each. £30 food a week for a family where the ‘D’H clears £100k post tax with no mortgage is absolutely abusive.

@Breathingunderwater you should be wanting more than just to be able to pay for a haircut without worrying.

You need to start gathering documented info about your savings - I hope you are married, and the money isn’t tied up in a business you aren’t tied to.

I’d go back to work and not give him a penny of that whilst insisting he pays the childcare costs, and give the reason that you are miserable. I can’t understand how you ever thought this was ok...

I'm always a bit when people are like 'it's our money' when one person doesn't earn a penny to be honest...I don't earn very much and my DH pays for the vast bulk of our outgoings, but I feel like I need to have some of my own money to spend on things like spa days or whatever, as I wouldn't feel right having DH pay for that kind of stuff for me.

However, he takes home 8 grand a month, you have no mortgage and he gives you £600 a month? And out of that you are expected to pay for all the kids stuff as well? So he has £7400 to play with a month just for himself?!

Yes, that is financial abuse.

Your dh isn’t richer than you though - your money should be joint if you’re married. My dh would never describe himself as richer than me.

Not a good set up for you.

When my DH was an investment banker. Flying all over the world whilst I was holding the babies, we bloody well had a shared account! Otherwise I would not have been a sham

He was only able o fly to Japan at the drop of a hat (and further his career) because he never had to worry about childcare/sick kids/inset days/etc

He dies not see you as equal OP, and he sees the money he earns as HIS not YOURS.... Sorry but this is bad news. In your shoes I would not sahm

No we spend more than that on food. We do a weekly online shop which he pays for - but inevitably we need fresh stuff in the week and we usually run out of something. Milk, bread, fresh fruit and vegetables etc. I only go to Tesco / aldi so I’m not throwing money away in Waitrose. Dh will only have brand names of some things though.

I don't know for sure, but given the situation I am in now with my DH financially, I'm pretty sure that if he brought home £8000 a month and we had no mortgage, I would have pretty much free reign on that if I was a SAHM! It's absolutely loads, you would struggle to spend it!

But then it is his money and I have been lucky enough to stay home - I'm trying to feel sympathetic OP but are you daft? You are being abused and then some.

Are you seriously considering staying in this marriage?

I am a SAHM. I have full access to the joint bank account and a credit card in Dh's name as I am the one shopping for school shoes for the kids.

I don't have to justify any spending to Dh as I am not a child. If I want a pair of boots I will buy them. There is plenty of money left over every month for treats and holidays etc.

Remember that if you divorced him you would be entitled to half of everything as a starting point. Including his pension. What the hell does he do with all that money he has every month? And no it is not his money it should be family money.

If I were you I would say that the nursery is closed and leave the house and leave him to look after both children for a day and an evening.

This is horrific financial abuse and you need help.

I suspected financial abuse from the word 'spoiled'. It isn't a word that's ever used in healthy adult relationships, usually in the creepy sugar daddy type ones. Do you have parents or someone who can fund a lawyer for you? Does anyone know if you can get a lawyer on credit and pay them after the settlement? You sound as if you need someone to advocate for you, if he told you that all you get is X amount with no house and no access to his pension, you sound in a place where you would accept that. You are 3 quarters of the family, yes kids on poor families have to do without much in the way of outings, but you are a wealthy family, so your kids should get to grow up without mum worrying about the pennies. Compare your situation with other £100k households, not those of us on a lot less with a mortgage.
Fight for what you and your kids deserve financially, because you can't get the other stuff from him as it isn't freely given.

Just going to make the point many forget when it “makes sense” to become a SAHM....

Do you have a pension and is he contributing to it?

If he’s hold you this short now picture it when the kids have grown, and/or if you split up.

You will barely have a govt pension- as CB only pays your NI until the kids are 12. You will have nothing.

If you stay with him as well as all the good advice offered already, set up a SIPP and make sure he sets up a direct debit.

Well that’s a relief on the food - but still, we have far higher spending commitments than you and I’m not working, I still have £200-£300 per month for spending on things like shoes, clothes, anti wrinkle cream, coffee with friends etc.

I couldn’t be shuffling on my knees to someone telling me the bank is closed when I wanted a dress or a night out.

You are not lucky to be a SAHM because you have no access to money and presumably you have zero provisions made for your old age.

This just makes me so sad and so angry. You have more power than you believe OP. if you were to divorce this man you would be financially better off - and mentally better off too.

You have but one life. Don't live it like this and don't allow your children to grow up believing this is how women should be treated.

He sounds like a nasty selfish cunt. If divorce him.