Is this financial abuse? Or am I just being spoiled?

[Breathingunderwater]

I’m very lucky in that we agreed after dc2 - now 3 - id be a sahm. Dh works aboard quite a bit so it seemed sensible that I be at home and he is a high earner.
He gives me a set amount of money each month that covers my expenses - car insurance, phone bill, petrol, some of the food bill and also clothes etc for the children (we have two of them). It is just enough - just enough - to get by. After I’ve taken out the above expenses I have about £300 a month free which should be plenty but I also have the dc all the time so if I take them anywhere then it comes out of that money too. If I want anything myself - like I needed my hair cutting - I had to ask dh for the money.
Sometimes he will pay for extra things but he often says the bank is closed and he’s not spending anything else.
He has a lot lot lot more free income than me but then he’s earned it so it’s his money - I mainly struggle in the holidays when basically I’ve got £10 a day for the three of us to do anything which doesn’t go far.
My friends asked me on a spa day recently for one of their birthdays and there’s no way I could afford to go, dh goes on golf holidays / nights away for things if he wants to. But then it is his money and I have been lucky enough to stay home so I don’t know. It doesn’t always feel fair but given that I’m not adding anything I don’t know.

How did your finances work before children?

Sorry, I should say I am not advising you to divorce, just using my past situation to show you what financial abuse looks like.

We always lived outside Europe and civilised places so not even places I could go to get a coffee (woman on her own plus no money even if I wanted). Some men think that if you get to 'stay at home' doing all the childcare and domestic duties that you have nothing to moan about even if it means you have to begging for a pair of tights or pair of new shoes that you need. Please get advice.

Wow, he is keeping you on a short leash

I wouldn't be happy being finaically dependant on him. What sort of life do you have if he is away all the time, you don't do things as a family and he gets all the nice bits, time away and holidays.

I would seriously think about leaving him, go and see a solicitor and see what you might be entitled to.

This is no life for you or the children

You don’t sound lucky, you sound controlled. Over the last 20 years there have been a few times I’ve not had an income and my husband works. Every time, whatever is left after bills is both of ours to spend. You’ve got a really shit situation and I think you need to consider working. 3 kids for £10 in half term? £10 barely covers one. He goes away but you can’t. It’s horrible.

*Sell some of his stuff to really ram it home to him.

It's financial abuse.*

Selling his stuff without permission would be financial abuse. Tread carefully.

Sorry you are not lucky it sounds awful. And he isnt even providing for his children is

Truly if you are mortgage free get a solicitor appt. I imagine half the house plus maintenance from him plus getting a job will be more than you are getting now.

And remember as well you will have a claim on savings

Freedom Programme. He's done a right number on you.

Well you slept walked right into this didn’t you. Yes he’s financially abusing you and what are you, not him, going’s to do about it?

The price of being a SAHM in this marriage is being treated like the hired help and only you can decide if this price is worth paying. There isn’t a another nicer version of him waiting around the corners, base your decisions on this guy not some imagined future version of him.

OP, you are being financially abused.

You need to get your hands on all the paperwork you can regarding his salary.

You are married to an abusive prick.

You need to get the paperwork together and go and see a solicitor.

How can you stand to look at him.

You need to protect yourself.

He has not got your best interests at heart.
You need money if you are going to get away.
If that means selling stuff in the house because he is keeping you so short of money, then do it.

Your house can be sold and you will get half or more for you and the children.

Protect yourself.
Tell family and friends how stuck you are for money. Let him know that you are telling g family and friends how mean he is to you and your children.
Shame him.

What ypu describe is so sad OP.

He doesn’t value you as a mother to his kids or an equal partner.

Get to work ASAP.
Consider if this is a marriage you want.

Yes, I’m going to have to die young I think.

Is this how're you're feeling, @Breathingunderwater ? If so, please see your GP. xxxxx

You could consider whether this is the right man for you. If you did split up, I don't know much about maintenance or divorce, but strikes me you might do well out of it.

Oh OP that sucks, so sorry to hear about your situation. I'm on mat leave just now, prior to this I was working full time in a professional job but earning a tiny fraction of DH's income. We have a family account that pays for all of our family expenses including food, utility bills, meals out, holidays etc. At the start of the financial year DH will transfer a considerable sum of money to cover any and all family expenses. I use my salary and now mat pay to pay for my hair appointments, clothes shopping etc. If I because a sahm I would use the family account for these too. Get some legal advice and start getting your own income, could you do some work from home maybe?

I am SAHM and have full access to all funds (lines of credit/credit cards etc) and considered an EQUAL (I understand & manage the finances so know whats ours is equal). You need to assert yourself and position to VALUE yourself and your SAH role. Even go find a job and DH can pay for the domestic help to accomplish everything you do. He will soon revise his selfish life keeping you penny pinching..
I am truly gobsmacked, your DH saying the banks closed is a treating you and the family like burden versus an investment.
Seek independent advise quickly.

You aren't lucky at all!!!
And stop thinking it's his money!!!
Without you there for the children and home 24/7 his career would over.
He's the lucky one.

Effectively you're his underpaid housekeeper/nanny but with 'benefits' and if you were going to go back to work later, I would do it now. Tell him he will have to pay for nursery/nanny/cleaner. Either that or leave him and take half of everything and have a happy life with your children without a financial abuser controlling your life.

Wow yes that is financial abuse. I was a SAHM and my husband is a high earner. He puts a set amount in our joint account (paid from the business account). We budget for all spend but if either of us wants to do anything we chat about it and do it (as long as the money is there). There is no his/my money - it’s ours. To run this family we have to work as a team and do what is necessary to make sure there is a roof over our heads and food on the table. His ability to earn money doesn’t trump my role in caring for OUR children. They are of equal value in terms of what needs to be done in our family.

In your situation I would get ready to leave, talk to him about the situation and leave him if it didn't improve. It's not his money and you're not very lucky. He's the lucky one able to continue his career without the the children needs holding back his flexibility.

When your DH earns over 100k and you need to sell stuff on ebay to afford some activities with your kids , you’re not “ lucky” but deluded.

It doesnt seem right to me.
Ive been a sahm for 6 years. DH has his own account abroad in his home country from before we met and i have my own account from before with all my savings on it. I havent spent from that account in 6 years (have no income on it either so it just stays the same) except when i buy a present for DHs birthday or something. DH and i have a joint account where DHs full salary goes and i have full access to it. I never have to ask for money or justify my spendings.
DH sometimes asks me to transfer money on it from my personal account when we fall behind on bills, but he always pays me back when he gets his next salary.
I would hate to have to explain or ask everytime i needed money

The problem is that he is difficult if I ask for anymore money, so I prefer not to ask. He’s not frightening or anything, he just either shuts me down by saying bank’s closed, or he tells me he gives me enough as it is.
Quite often he will announce ‘I’m not spending any money this month.’ The thing is - his petrol, phone etc are paid for and when he’s away all expenses are as well. So he has quite a bit of time not having to spend anything at all.
If he’s with us when the children need something - such as a coat etc - he will get it but he’s rarely with us so I just pay for it, it’s easier than asking him for the money.

You need to have a joint bank account. All his money is your money. You are certainly not lucky.

I'm the main earner, all money in a joint account and I would never question his spending - decisions made together.
Why is it 'his money'. He's a selfish controlling asshole.

I guess it depends on whether he us being fiscally responsible or abusive. So for example when you ask for more money there genuinely isn't any but hes coming across as a tosser. Have you actually discussed income and outgoings as a couple?

So how much does he have saved from family money for himself ?

If you don't know, then you need to tell him you are off... or he has to pay your house keeping and nanny bill. !

OP, you are not spoilt, you are being used and abused.

I am a SAHM for 20+ years and a husband on a very high salary.
Accounts holding substantial funds so I would always have financial freedom....his decision, which he just did.
I spend whatever, without comment.

I wouldn't trust a man who would do this to you, for one minute.

He is capable of anything if he is capable of leaving you so short.

Meanness goes to the core of someone's character.

Get support IRL and get organised.