Is this financial abuse? Or am I just being spoiled?

[Breathingunderwater]

I’m very lucky in that we agreed after dc2 - now 3 - id be a sahm. Dh works aboard quite a bit so it seemed sensible that I be at home and he is a high earner.
He gives me a set amount of money each month that covers my expenses - car insurance, phone bill, petrol, some of the food bill and also clothes etc for the children (we have two of them). It is just enough - just enough - to get by. After I’ve taken out the above expenses I have about £300 a month free which should be plenty but I also have the dc all the time so if I take them anywhere then it comes out of that money too. If I want anything myself - like I needed my hair cutting - I had to ask dh for the money.
Sometimes he will pay for extra things but he often says the bank is closed and he’s not spending anything else.
He has a lot lot lot more free income than me but then he’s earned it so it’s his money - I mainly struggle in the holidays when basically I’ve got £10 a day for the three of us to do anything which doesn’t go far.
My friends asked me on a spa day recently for one of their birthdays and there’s no way I could afford to go, dh goes on golf holidays / nights away for things if he wants to. But then it is his money and I have been lucky enough to stay home so I don’t know. It doesn’t always feel fair but given that I’m not adding anything I don’t know.

I hate having to ask for any money from him.

I was a stay at home mum, athough he wasn't generally financially abusive. Then we split after I found he has been cheating on me (and I had no vague idea) and we split. Now I'm in a fucking awful financial position with no job, despite him all paying for us and essentially him giving me the house.

What will you do if you ever discover him cheating or some other reason you need to split? Do you think given how he is now with money you'll be okay? Do you have a pension? Savings?

And this is why it is imprudent for one adult to rely on another for all of their money. You are totally at their mercy.

All great when they are sharing everything equally, but they can unilaterally change their mind/withhold money/give you the bare minimum whenever they feel like it. Of course you’re being financially abused. It doesn’t seem like he values your non-monetary contribution to the family at all. I can’t believe you think you may be spoilt! He’s done a right number on you.

I don’t know. Basically I have nothing. I’ve used the savings I had to subsidise life.

What’s the situation with your house? Are you on the deeds?

As someone who is now facing a future on state pension I strongly advise you to look for a job and start thinking about a career.

Always stunned by threads like these. I am the main earner in our house and work long hours in a high stress job. DH, on the other hand, EVERY day, does school pick ups, drop offs, walks dog, clears up dog sick, deals with homework tantrums, cooks supper, makes costumes for world book day, does food shopping, clears up child sick, clears up dog sick again, puts away endless Lego trails, finds lost trainers... I could go on and on but the point is that you all know the drill. Around that he also manages to run a part time business from home. Last year I “earned” five times what he did. Is that my money? So much profoundly not. We pay for everything that needs to be paid for and everything that’s left over gets divided in half. And sometimes he spends more than I do on going out/away if it so happens that it’s a special birthday of a friend and sometimes I do the same. The idea that his contribution to the family is less than mine is so so so so wrong.

Yes, I’m going to have to die young I think.

Did you skip the bit in the marriage ceremony that goes “All that I have I give to you”. I’m afraid when you divorce him he will discover that finances in marriage are shared. Because I can’t believe you’re really going to want to stay married to someone who is happy to see his wife and kids going short while he splashes the family cash on solo holidays.

I'm a sahm and can confirm - as are many others on this thread I see - that your situation is not normal.

I have full access to our bank account and my fiancé would never dream of there being the financial inequality that you describe in your relationship. We are a team and just because he earns the money doesn't mean it's 'his' - it's our family money.

Your husband is being very unfair.

It’s not “his money”, or it shouldn’t be. Next time he tells you “the bank is closed” I would tell him the nursery is also closed, leave him with both kids on a Saturday morning and go do something fun for you all day (or go round to a friends house if his tightness means you can’t afford a spa day). What a prick.

I think you need to have a proper talk with him. Explain that you never have enough money to treat yourself but there seems to be money in the budget for his treats. It might be that he thinks he’s giving you loads of money and doesn’t appreciate how expensive feeding, clothing and occupying two kids can be. Explain that you need a bit more financial freedom, and so one option is that you could go back to work but he would then need to pull his weight more with the kids, cut back on travel etc. If he isn’t prepared to do that, then he needs to share his income more evenly.

Well he's essentially a tosser that sees you as less then him.

I couldn't live like that.

He sounds awful and it makes me sad you keep doubting yourself and say it's 'his money' because like you said, it was an agreement you would look after the children.

Than!!

Are you happy with your relationship with your husband? You should both have savings! Do you want to find work?

Christ, yes it’s bad. We don’t have a lot of money and I am currently a sahm. Our account is a joint one. In fact, I have access to more money as I never got around to adding him to my bank account from before we were together and things like child benefit go into there. How can he not want to provide for his children? You didn’t magic them out of thin air by yourself. You’re supposed to be a team! My eldest child is not my husband’s biological child and he still pays for everything for him! When he’s worked jobs where he gets tips, he even splits those with me so we both get the chance to buy ourselves a nice treat.

Next time he tells you “the bank is closed” I would tell him the nursery is also closed, leave him with both kids on a Saturday morning

Or even better, a Monday morning. Let’s see how he manages this amazing job with oodles of foreign travel when he’s got no childcare. You should do it, OP, but I bet you won’t, nor will you do anything in fact to improve your situation sadly x

How old are they? Can you explain to him that you are considering putting them in nursery/hiring a nanny/breakfast and after school club and how much that will cost as you need money to actually live off of. My soon to be ex H is/was the same, I have always worked and loved my job, but having him work away so much just made it impossible to work full time (no option for PT)- because I was taking so much time for sickness etc. He paid the bare minimum, he could afford more, and acted like he was doing me a favour when I would have enjoyed being back at work and having a bit of balance back. He would not pay towards childcare even though it would cost less than bills, and it was a horrible viscious circle, and he acted like he was doing me a favour- he wasnt. You being at home enables him to work away, and saves a lot in various childcare costs.

I couldn't be in a relationship where finances weren't shared. Sometimes I've been the major contributor, sometimes not, but any relationship where there's a power imbalance that's used to manipulate is not a good relationship.

He's a bad man essentially.

Golf clubs might go for a bit on eBay.
Yeah, he’s a tight, self interested twat. What’s you’re next step?

I think that’s my problem - it feels like I hold no power and don’t get a say in anything. It feels like im a child.
I’m hoping to go back to work in September but everything will still fall on me, the dc being ill, all the household stuff, because when I worked before dc2 that’s how it was. Now it’ll be worse because there’s two dc.

You are definitely not being spoilt OP. He does not respect or value you or your role as a SAHP

Have you done the online calculations to see what you’d get if you split up? I think I’d definitely be considering if I were better off single. He gets to go on golf weekends but you can’t have a spa day? No way, girl!

Then leave. If that's the case you're not in a relationship anyway. Why stay?

I'm a SAHM and have a brand new Apple Watch & iPhone and currently debating doing Invisalign. Just bought my boys fitbits bc they have been wanting them for a while now. I have full access to our accounts and my husband couldn't care less what I spend bc at the end of the day he knows I'm smart and responsible with money. He has a cracked iPhone 6 and walks to and from the station every day to save money on parking and so I can have the family car. We talk through purchases and decide together what makes sense and what doesn't but at the end of the day it's almost always my final decision. Your situation does not sound normal tbh and he's either very controlling or just short on money. I'd recommend getting a PT job so you can have your own money too.