Is this financial abuse? Or am I just being spoiled?

[Breathingunderwater]

I’m very lucky in that we agreed after dc2 - now 3 - id be a sahm. Dh works aboard quite a bit so it seemed sensible that I be at home and he is a high earner.
He gives me a set amount of money each month that covers my expenses - car insurance, phone bill, petrol, some of the food bill and also clothes etc for the children (we have two of them). It is just enough - just enough - to get by. After I’ve taken out the above expenses I have about £300 a month free which should be plenty but I also have the dc all the time so if I take them anywhere then it comes out of that money too. If I want anything myself - like I needed my hair cutting - I had to ask dh for the money.
Sometimes he will pay for extra things but he often says the bank is closed and he’s not spending anything else.
He has a lot lot lot more free income than me but then he’s earned it so it’s his money - I mainly struggle in the holidays when basically I’ve got £10 a day for the three of us to do anything which doesn’t go far.
My friends asked me on a spa day recently for one of their birthdays and there’s no way I could afford to go, dh goes on golf holidays / nights away for things if he wants to. But then it is his money and I have been lucky enough to stay home so I don’t know. It doesn’t always feel fair but given that I’m not adding anything I don’t know.

OP just out of curiosity, how much is it he gives you exactly? Only because I am in the same situation but feel like the money he gives me should stretch but always find myself struggling and have no money to buy myself clothes etc.

So, where is the money going then? You need to find out. Has he got it stashed somewhere you don’t know about or is he a secret spender?
Make your case to him that you need access or at the very least write down what it actually costs to the lifestyle you and the kids should be having with a family income like that and make sure you get it. Either that or leave. This behaviour is a deal breaker in my book.

He's at best very selfish. At worst, he actually gets enjoyment out of "owning" you and making you suffer.

You are being financially abused. Such people in these types of relationship are deliberately left without a voice like you are now. I would also think that he is not solely financially abusive either; he is likely to be abusive towards you in other ways too.

Financial abuse involves controlling a victim's ability to acquire, use, and maintain financial resources. Those who are victimized financially may be prevented from working. I also think he will actively sabotage any and all attempts for you to dgo back to work, the children here have been used by him to further trap you into staying at home. Victims of such control (as indeed is your situation here) also have their own money restricted or stolen by the abuser. And rarely do they have complete access to money and other resources. When they do have money, they often have to account for every penny they spend. I note without surprise that you're selling items on Ebay.

Overall, the forms of financial abuse vary from situation to situation. Sometimes an abuser may use subtle tactics like manipulation while other abusers may be more overt, demanding, and intimidating. In the end, the goal is always the same—to gain power and control in a relationship.

His actions here are about power and control and he wants absolute over you here.

Please contact Womens Aid and plan your exit from this abusive marriage. This is NOT going to get any better for you going forward and your children must not learn that what they are seeing at home from their dad towards you (and in turn them) as their mother is at all normal behaviour. They need to be taught far better lessons about relationships.

£600.
I spend £120 a month on petrol - my car is economical but I just can’t get it any lower.
£40 a month on phone - we haven’t a landline so I have inclusive minutes etc
£100 approx on food throughout the month. Probably slightly more. Usually it’s £30 a week. I’ve spent £30 just today for example.

Which leaves me about £300

Oh for gods sake does anyone really think this is ok? OP how can you possibly not see and know that this is vile abuse of you?

Relatablepog

I would think from the limited info you provided that you are also being financially abused. I would also think he buys clothes as and when he wants to do so.

There is no future for you in such a relationship and you need to make plans to ultimately leave him.

Oh boy!

He's done a right number on you.

Start investigating how well off you'll be without him

How much money does he actually give you? That makes a massive difference. If he gives you £3k a month but you’ve bought a crazy petrol eating car and dress the kids in D&G daily that’s completely different to if you get £500 a month. If it’s the latter you’re being financially abused. If it’s the former he’s a bit of an arse but might be doing it with good intentions.

Oh, cross post. Yes, you’re being financially abused. That’s ridiculous. You would be better off if you left him.

Sorry couldn't live like this , what savings do you have ? I'd be surprised if any , why should he be free to work, save and progress his career whilst you at home looking after two children ?
All.disposable income should be halved

Breathing

What do you get out of this relationship now?. You do not get anything out of this do you. You've become ever more ground down and controlled by him.

I would also think the fact that you do not have a landline is also a deliberate tactic on his part. It keeps you from accessing information more easily.

You are scrabbling about desperately whilst he lives it up on the high line. It is NO life for you or for that matter your children to be witness too; they will pick up on your preoccupied and otherwise anxious state due to being controlled. THEY are being controlled by their abusive father too.

How can you be helped into leaving your abusive husband?.

That's not a marriage. That's a master and slave relationship.

I'm currently trying to divorce my h who treated me in a similar way.

You’d get far far more than that in child maintenance if you left him. Actually with a mortgage free house to split you’d be far better off. Tell him this. I’m sorry but he sounds like a controlling mean tight bully. Look into it then tell him in monetary terms how much he stands to lose if he doesn’t change. The house, his savings, pension, maintenance! What an absolute prick

Breathingunderwater Sat 15-Feb-20 17:08:43
The problem is that he is difficult if I ask for anymore money, so I prefer not to ask. He’s not frightening or anything, he just either shuts me down by saying bank’s closed, or he tells me he gives me enough as it is.

Gosh! This sounds familiar! You are being abused even if he doesn't see that in his own mind. They often think they have to be physically beating you up to be considered abusive but control comes in many forms, some overt, some not so much. This is financial abuse. Please get advice. I know you probably are worried about breaking up the home etc, effect on the children but what you are effectively describing is an absent father who uses money to control you all and won't pay out properly for his children. What kind of man is that?

You'd get more in maintenance OP. He might do well to be reminded of that tbh.

Is he spending a similar amount on himself and then paying bills and saving the rest? So he thinks you both have equal spends? Because that's the only scenario where i think it's likely to be recoverable, but if you can't even have a conversation about it it sounds not.

Breathing

Your husband won;t make it easy at all for you to leave him but that does not mean that you should not or actually cannot do so. He will undoubtedly continue to punish you going forward after separation; such men really do not like to relinquish the power and control they hold over their victims (the plural here is deliberate because your children are being controlled by him).

I would urge you to see a Solicitor asap and also consider using the services of a forensic accountant.

BTW what did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Was your mother abused like you are in her marriage?

Oh and start accumulating financial paperwork. Bank statements, credit card statements, emails, texts, copies of his contract etc. Give them to someone to keep safe for you, someone you implicitly trust. You will need them.

We pay our nanny 2.5k per month and that's only 8am till 5pm Monday to Friday. Use this to imagine how much money your saving him!

This is definitely financial abuse and control.

How do you feed everyone on £30 a week?

Time for a serious think as this is disgusting.

My kids are 18-14 and I've been home since pregnant with dc1. For quite a long time I've had a separate account which dh pays housekeeping into as when I used the joint account I couldn't keep track of what I had left. These days if I need extra he just gives it me but sometimes I give him some back if he's stuck and I'm okay.

Attila, I can attest to that about being punished for leaving. I was awarded two high value paintings in my divorce that my now-ex had. they were worth over £30K together. I got them back the day after my divorce absolute. Slashed out of their frames and they had been folded like teatowels so the cracks went through the layers of paint right down to the canvas. The paintings were destroyed and seeing that he had done that felt like a punch to the solar plexus. Never ever underestimate how spiteful a man can be in a divorce or how much they will lie and hide assets etc. get that paperwork in case you need it. Start doing it quietly now.

This makes me so mad. You ARE working. Its unpaid (and clearly undervalued) work. Pretend for a monent you are not in the picture. And your high earner has no one else he can twist for unpaid work. What would he do? He d outsource. He d start with childcare. If you are in London, he possibly looking at 30-40 k a yr for that. Then he d hire a cleaner. Again, maybe he'd pay 50 a wk for this, maybe 100. He might go the whole way and hire someone to iron his shirts, do the shopping etc etc.

The upshot is.... You are working. And without your work he would not be able to earn as much as he does. It is is not HIS money.

My mum was a sahm but it’s always been really equal. They have a joint account and the money has always been family money.

Dh does save a lot of money.
However I know he’s richer than me because he says things like ‘I might treat myself to a new allle watch’ and buys himself golf jumpers etc that cost ten times the cost of one item I buy for the children. He also went to the dentist his week and spent over £200. I just couldn’t do it. His car is big and brand new. I don’t begrudge him things, he works hard. I just feel really I should be able to take the children out for the day without worrying about it.