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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this financial abuse? Or am I just being spoiled?

387 replies

Breathingunderwater · 15/02/2020 15:22

I’m very lucky in that we agreed after dc2 - now 3 - id be a sahm. Dh works aboard quite a bit so it seemed sensible that I be at home and he is a high earner.
He gives me a set amount of money each month that covers my expenses - car insurance, phone bill, petrol, some of the food bill and also clothes etc for the children (we have two of them). It is just enough - just enough - to get by. After I’ve taken out the above expenses I have about £300 a month free which should be plenty but I also have the dc all the time so if I take them anywhere then it comes out of that money too. If I want anything myself - like I needed my hair cutting - I had to ask dh for the money.
Sometimes he will pay for extra things but he often says the bank is closed and he’s not spending anything else.
He has a lot lot lot more free income than me but then he’s earned it so it’s his money - I mainly struggle in the holidays when basically I’ve got £10 a day for the three of us to do anything which doesn’t go far.
My friends asked me on a spa day recently for one of their birthdays and there’s no way I could afford to go, dh goes on golf holidays / nights away for things if he wants to. But then it is his money and I have been lucky enough to stay home so I don’t know. It doesn’t always feel fair but given that I’m not adding anything I don’t know.

OP posts:
Original poster
Breathingunderwater · 15/02/2020 16:12

His take home after tax is well over 100k. We are mortgage free.

OP posts:
Figgygal · 15/02/2020 16:13

How is he spoiling you? He sounds controlling and unfair
Is he an active part of family life at all? Sounds a rubbish situation tbh

Ohyesiam · 15/02/2020 16:14

Well yes, he’s Warner it, but how much would if have to pay someone to do what you do. Live in nanny, cook , cleaner, driver, events organisers, house keeper and many etc s too I imagine.
Why should his life be full of treats aNd yours full of scrimping?

Antihop · 15/02/2020 16:16

My mum was a sahm. She had full access to the money my dad earned. Both dp and I work full time, but I earn significantly more. All our money is shared.

You're being financially abused.

TheFrendo · 15/02/2020 16:16

You are being financially abused.

Berrymuch · 15/02/2020 16:16

A cracked phone while you buy a new Apple watch and iPhone lol, I feel that might be a bit in the other direction!

Ah it's hard isn't it op.

TomeOfSomething · 15/02/2020 16:17

He has a lot lot lot more free income than me but then he’s earned it so it’s his money

fucking hell - go and get a job, tell him he has to do his share with the dv now, and you're not there to be his skivvy

tribpot · 15/02/2020 16:18

This:
I’m hoping to go back to work in September but everything will still fall on me, the dc being ill, all the household stuff, because when I worked before dc2 that’s how it was. Now it’ll be worse because there’s two dc.

Contrasts sharply with this:
I’m very lucky in that we agreed after dc2 - now 3 - id be a sahm.

It sounds like you 'agreed' this because the alternative was substantially worse. Not lucky.

You say twice then he’s earned it so it’s his money. How did he earn it with two small children he is responsible for? By outsourcing all of his other responsibilities to you. Not lucky.

given that I’m not adding anything Is that how you see it? Why do you do it if it doesn't 'add anything'? You're keeping two people (your children) alive. You're running the house. I would imagine he doesn't lift a finger? Not lucky.

Porcupineinwaiting · 15/02/2020 16:20

In all the years I was a SAHM for my two I never once thought of it as "his money". Having children was a joint enterprise, the work of bringing them up and keeping the home was joint a joint responsibility. For many years we partitioned the work - he earnt and I did childcare/home - but the money was family money and was spent/saved by mutual agreement.

Dieu · 15/02/2020 16:20

OP, please get back to work when your child goes to school, if not before. I have 3 daughters and I have drummed it into them never to be financially dependent on a man. Unfortunately I speak from experience Thanks

emmylousings · 15/02/2020 16:21

What upsets me is the fact you hae said you are not 'adding anything' ; if nothing ese - thinking like him - consider the financial value of full time 24 hour, 365 days a year childcare! You are adding a LOT.

FinallyHere · 15/02/2020 16:21

gives me a set amount of money

I am very sorry to read this. This is not right and I think you know really, deep down, that it is not right.

Without any suggestion that you want a divorce, you would be very sensible to get yourself informed on what the division of assets would be for a SAHP with two small children who gave up a career to look after those children.

Look up 'financial abuse', too. It may still be quite a surprise for you that you are being financially abused.

There are uncanny echos of threads on here which started as a mild case of 'why does he do that' and quickly escalated into something much, much more serious.

The very best of luck with recovering your situation. Knowledge is power, knowing that this is wrong, even criminal activity, is your opening to doing something about it.

Christmaspug · 15/02/2020 16:21

I’m stay at home mum for 20 years now ,
All money is family money ,I take what I need ,I have equal access to all money..anything less and I would of gone back to work

Nsmum14 · 15/02/2020 16:23

Show your husband this thread. He should not be able to get away with this. As many others have said, once you live together as a couple with children all money is family money. It seems this is not possible for you, but you should talk to him about opening a joint account so you are not having to beg for money. You are an adult, you shouldn't have to be going to him for spending money like he's your dad. I sympathise as I come from a family in which my dad was controlling with all things money. My mum had equal access to the family money, but was punished for spending any of it. So she spent as little of it as she could. This continues now, they are a retired couple with more money than they could ever spend, yet she still gets grief for buying stuff. Not good for your kids to be witnessing this either.. Good luck with everything and I hope your situation changes for the better.

OhLook · 15/02/2020 16:25

Let's be honest, her husband probably doesn't give a shit what a bunch of women think.

floralia · 15/02/2020 16:25

One of the contributing factors to the breakdown of my marriage was this: I was a trailing spouse whilst my husband was abroad. He would go out all day long and leave me alone in foreign countries where I knew nobody, didn't speak the language etc with no tv, no telephone unless he authorised a call and the equivalent of about £5 a day to feed both of us and clothe myself, buy sanitary items and anything else I needed including transport on the local buses. (This in places that weren't dirt cheap to live). He would go out and tell everyone that I was spoiled and make out that he was a generous husband who paid for shopping sprees for me when I returned home for a while. It was all lies. It was so bad that I had to sew the sides of my knickers because they were so old and worn. He refused to ever have a joint bank account or joint credit cards and even used to put codes on the phone so I couldn't use it 'to run up the phone bill' whilst he was out. I can only tell you that I wasted some of the best years of my life with that man and he took a lot of my confidence. It was awful having to go along with his lies to not lose face. When people found out bout the phone code lock, they were horrified, he tried to laugh it off as a joke but they used to look at me as if to say 'do you tolerate this for real??'. I plucked up the courage to divorce him and I would never, ever go into any sort of financially inequitable arrangement ever again. It was only much later when speaking to a counsellor that I found out that this type of behaviour is actually a form of abuse.

LizzieBananas · 15/02/2020 16:26

Why are the children’s clothes coming out of your budget? That’s the red flag for me.

mcmooberry · 15/02/2020 16:27

Ridiculous that you can't afford to take the children out over half term when he takes home over £8000 net per month,. Definitely financial abuse. Things are going to have to change. I hope you are a co-owner of the house.
He sounds extremely ungenerous towards you which is a very unattractive trait.

Island35 · 15/02/2020 16:27

I really detest the power of situations like this. He works, travels for work and leisure etc because he can. He can because you facilitate this by being at home doing everything, looking after the kids etc. Even if you are a SAHM I think it's at best rude to expect you to ask permission for cash as it sounds as if you are careful with money, to sell items to look after your kids during a holiday is crazy. I'm opinionated about this as I watched my best friend go through this declaring it was 'his money'.

PixieRabbit · 15/02/2020 16:27

What is the point of him?

He’s an abusive cunt. Just in case you weren’t sure.

See a lawyer.

SarahMused · 15/02/2020 16:28

He needs a real wake up call. I can’t believe he could keep all that money for himself and see you and the children go short and you having to sell stuff. Isn’t he embarrassed to know you have to do that? And where the hell is all the money going if you don’t have a mortgage? You need to do some research and show him a couple of options including what it would cost him if you separated or you went back to work before the children are school aged. Work out a realistic budget for what you actually need too.

OhLook · 15/02/2020 16:29

£8000 net while you're selling things to get by. This is actually disgusting. You need to speak to a solicitor about what your rights are.

Gustavo1 · 15/02/2020 16:29

It isn’t right. You know it isn’t right.
This isn’t fair. You are not hired help on a salary. You are a partnership and you should be able to have free access to the money you need.
As for what you can do about it, it’s hard to say. Would you be willing to divorce if that what it comes too? If not, how amenable would DH be to a joint account with free access for you? Of course, big purchases and more costly treats would be discussed but day to day spending should not be something you are struggling for.

Thisismadness · 15/02/2020 16:31

Yes it’s abuse. You’ve stopped work to allow him carry on in a high paying job, you should have a joint account. He’s treating you like an employee!

soakedat3 · 15/02/2020 16:32

I'm a SAHM and I often get told how "lucky" I am as though it's a life of luxury. Similar to OP I have some money but not allocated by DH. It's mine from my property. Not much but it helps me feel a bit independent. However, your DH is in the wrong here. He should be putting money into a joint account so that every thing you spend on your kids which are HIS KIDS is from there. This is what we do. Everything for kids is from he joint account. I do see what you mean about it being his money. We have similar arguments but it's usually me having the "his money" thoughts. This is my own problem to adjust my thinking.

It's difficult when it comes to paying for a treat for yourself but he is being overly mean here. 100K after tax and you are struggling and selling things to pay to take the kids out? Is he Scrooge?? Can't you show him how odd it looks to people/family?

And no way could he earn as much or enjoy life as much without you doing this. Well he could if he was single and child free but he's not so he need to wake up.