Is this financial abuse? Or am I just being spoiled?

[Breathingunderwater]

I’m very lucky in that we agreed after dc2 - now 3 - id be a sahm. Dh works aboard quite a bit so it seemed sensible that I be at home and he is a high earner.
He gives me a set amount of money each month that covers my expenses - car insurance, phone bill, petrol, some of the food bill and also clothes etc for the children (we have two of them). It is just enough - just enough - to get by. After I’ve taken out the above expenses I have about £300 a month free which should be plenty but I also have the dc all the time so if I take them anywhere then it comes out of that money too. If I want anything myself - like I needed my hair cutting - I had to ask dh for the money.
Sometimes he will pay for extra things but he often says the bank is closed and he’s not spending anything else.
He has a lot lot lot more free income than me but then he’s earned it so it’s his money - I mainly struggle in the holidays when basically I’ve got £10 a day for the three of us to do anything which doesn’t go far.
My friends asked me on a spa day recently for one of their birthdays and there’s no way I could afford to go, dh goes on golf holidays / nights away for things if he wants to. But then it is his money and I have been lucky enough to stay home so I don’t know. It doesn’t always feel fair but given that I’m not adding anything I don’t know.

He won’t discuss money rationally. That’s how he is.
I used to be a teacher.

I don't see why you dont care have full access to a joint account with all the funds in? If he has a problem with that I'd be very concerned. Very controlling.

That or back to work. If you have a teaching qualification youll get work no problem

Isn’t teaching the ideal thing to get back into, by doing some supply work and building up your confidence again? I’m sure there are always more buzzwords to learn but you can do it.

You said you SAH after dc2, am that’s only a couple of years?

It feels like forever in education.

Op you'd easily earn more than 18k as a teacher. Not only that, don't be thinking you need to foot the childcare bill out of your 'allowance' - joint children joint costs. I was a sahm for years, all money was and still is family money. If he won't be decent over this and do the right thing I'd divorce him and take half plus ongoing maintenance, frankly.

Then get a divorce OP and take your share (which yes would be more than 50%)

You need to talk to him it can’t be worse than it is for you and his children but frankly
any man who wanted them and then won’t provide is an arse you should divorce

Stop being so passive for your children’s sake

I was wondering how it would work re childcare - I just presumed I’d have to pay it all?

Why on Earth would that be the case

Cos if they are with me when they are in the childcare then it would be my responsibility to pay for it? I assumed he’d just pay the child maintenance and that would be it.

Why do you still think he doesn't have to pay towards the care and upkeep of his children?

It depends if he wanted 50/50 doesn’t it

Yet he’s just said how much he loves us and how he wants to give us everything

As long as it doesn't exceed 7% of his salary?

I just feel that I didn’t earn it and dh won’t want this split.
So I’m saying - I’m leaving you - but I want half your money. It doesn’t sit right with me at all. It seems entitled.
However I’m not going to have any choice. It would be much much better and would caused much less animosity if I could not take anything from him, because the money will really really anger him.

Op this is so, so wrong. You ENABLED HIM
TO EARN THIS MONEY!

It is joint wealth.
They are joint children.
And please don't write the pension rights off either.

OP - my colleague works Monday, Tuesday and half a day Wednesday and earns roughly 18k
V small call centre (maybe 10 of us) working for a car dealership. Little stress, no work to take home and she had a small child hence her hours

As a single parent, you might also be able to get additional help with childcare.
If you don't want to get back to the school classroom, and I fully understand your reservations. How about Tutoring or even going over to HE?
As a teacher, you have a lot of transferable skills.

I am concerned about being a single parent and a teacher. It’s good for the holidays of course. I suppose really I can’t be too choosy.

The CM you would get would be sizeable. Look at the figures PP have posted. You would be getting more from him than you currently are. Added to your income, and even with childcare, you will still be laughing financially every month.

This is without considering the financial settlement of which at least half of everything is yours. Yet all he seems to think you are allowed is a measly 7% or thereabouts. Where's the missing 43% for you and his children?

He might say he loves you and want to give you everything. But look at his actions. If he wanted to give you everything you wanted, then you wouldn't be posting on here as a result of financial abuse. Instead, you would have full access to everything single account, investments and anything else he may hold.

A way to phrase it is that you concerned about the implications financially for the children if anything happened to him. At the moment, you cannot access the account. And should god forbid anything happen to him, you would be fucked. It makes more sense to quickly change his accounts to joint ones.

A loving father would change them to joint immediately and kicking themselves for not considering this.

You did earn it, every bit as much as he did! And you don't get lunch breaks, you don't get to choose your hours, you don't get weekends off. You don't get to sleep through the night, but I bet he did when the babes were restless. You are earning it every single day.

Don't forget that without you be would have had to pay for childcare or drastically reduce his hours, probably have to stop work altogether for a fewyears. What effect would that have had on his glitteringcareer enabling to earn vast coffers of dosh? How would unemployed ready if he said " sorry, can 't sort this important problem as I have to pick up my child\take juvenile to the doctor\get to the school play"? No, others would be e been promoted over him.

Every weekend he would have been rushing around trying.to get the washing done, the place hoovered, tidied, the bathroom cleaned, got the shopping, done the meal.plans. Every evening he'd have to cook meals for his children, wash them, read some stories, put them in bed, kissed them goodnight. Every .morning wake them, makebreakfast, get them dressed, entertained them.

But he had you! So he's done well at work.

OP I feel for you and it worries me a bit that you don't seem to find some anger in you after reading really brilliant advice, everyone here agrees that you are being financially abused.

you say you cant be too choosy job wise, too demanding financially, whats going on there?

I think its time to stand up for yourself.

Op do you have family support, a parent who could reinforce that you are not being treated fairly? You mentioned your parents had a very different set up to your own?

OP reading between the lines here I’m getting the impression that since giving up work and being a SAHM you’ve lost your sense of self and self-worth. Strangers on this thread can see your value and right to be treated equally in your marriage more than you seem to be able to at the moment.
You need to find your voice and use it! Get assertive, get organised and get determined. Your husband is not worth more than you just because he earns more- you are in a marriage and he needs to stop treating you like a child on pocket money and as an equal- but most importantly right now is that you need to see yourself as being equal as well. You have given up a decent job to parent so he can devote himself to a career that isn’t family friendly- you’ve made a sacrifice here that has enabled him to travel for work and do unsociable hours etc. I bet whilst he is eating fancy work dinners and drinks you are stuck in with the kids etc.
There is a reason that the law says everything is 50/50 in a marriage for good reason especially when children are involved because inevitably they tend to impact on the earning potential of at least one of you and it’s not right that one person takes the hit for it- currently you are the one taking the hit.
I suspect he behaves like this because he can and because he is difficult about conversations around money you back down- but this is not sustainable for your mental health. You need to be absolutely blunt with him about this- that this current situation cannot go on, you are unwilling to continue to be treated less well than an au pair! As an equal partner in the marriage you need to tell him you get an equal say on the finances- he has no right to say ‘the bank is closed’. Tell him it’s financial abuse to have anything less, tell him how it makes you feel! Let him know it has gotten so bad that you think about leaving just to get your financial autonomy, freedom and self worth back! Show him this thread if he thinks it’s ridiculous- shame him to friends and family so he sees how unreasonable he is. When you talk about money talk about it as ‘our money’ when he says he will treat himself to something very expensive press him on it- can WE afford that? Is that a good use of family money when you can’t afford to send me enough to live on? Highlight the inequality at every opportunity, he needs to feel as accountable to you as you seem to feel to him!

‘The bank is closed’. I’m not a violent person, but that would make me explode.

Optimummy's post above sums it up beautifully IMO

OP this seems almost too awful to be true. You aren't lucky I wouldn't say, no, but someone has certainly made you think that you are...