Is this financial abuse? Or am I just being spoiled?

[Breathingunderwater]

I’m very lucky in that we agreed after dc2 - now 3 - id be a sahm. Dh works aboard quite a bit so it seemed sensible that I be at home and he is a high earner.
He gives me a set amount of money each month that covers my expenses - car insurance, phone bill, petrol, some of the food bill and also clothes etc for the children (we have two of them). It is just enough - just enough - to get by. After I’ve taken out the above expenses I have about £300 a month free which should be plenty but I also have the dc all the time so if I take them anywhere then it comes out of that money too. If I want anything myself - like I needed my hair cutting - I had to ask dh for the money.
Sometimes he will pay for extra things but he often says the bank is closed and he’s not spending anything else.
He has a lot lot lot more free income than me but then he’s earned it so it’s his money - I mainly struggle in the holidays when basically I’ve got £10 a day for the three of us to do anything which doesn’t go far.
My friends asked me on a spa day recently for one of their birthdays and there’s no way I could afford to go, dh goes on golf holidays / nights away for things if he wants to. But then it is his money and I have been lucky enough to stay home so I don’t know. It doesn’t always feel fair but given that I’m not adding anything I don’t know.

£600/month for you and 2 children on his salary is, as everyone else has already said, absolutely fucking bonkers and grossly unfair. My husband works away most of the time, earns about 10k/month and it all goes into our joint account (as does my salary which is about 1/5 of his) and he doesn't even touch it. It's up to me how it's spent, saved or invested. He has a small separate income that he lives on though he's mostly on expenses and has minimal living costs when he is away.
Point is even if the sums involved were much less, the attitude is what counts. We are a team, in terms of finances, and the same cant be said for your DH. If he won't talk, won't change, then this isn't a tenable situation. You and your children should be worth more to him than seems to be the case.

The op might not be angry yet because it hasn’t sunk in. This isn’t a criticism btw. Abuse has a massive impact on the persons confidence and self worth. Its normal honestly to have a load of mix feelings and doubt. It’s scary and from what op is saying he has worn her down.

Lucky? Sounds like he's got himself a very cheap housekeeper.
It will be hard to change him so I think you need to get a job. And then follow his example and spend generously on yourself.
What kind of cheapskate makes his wife ask for the price of a haircut!
But seriously, you really do need an independent income; he will be mean as hell should you ever separate. And if you do get a job, make sure he doesn't think childcare costs are down to you. They're his children, too.

How are you doing op?

In answer to your question- yes I think its definitely financial control. No you are not "spoilt". This reads like a man who pays you to Nanny and not a 50 /50 life partner

Dear OP - you’ve had lots of excellent advice in this thread. You are in a deeply abusive relationship - there is appalling financial abuse and clearly also emotional abuse since you feel unable to raise the issue of finances with him and, in fact, since he leaves you to do all the parenting all the time. The fact that you keep saying this is his money, it’s your fault that you’re trapped and that your solution to the pension problem is to die young shows how badly treated you have been. He has ground you down and conditioned you to think not only that this is normal but that you are somehow ‘spoilt’.

It’s good to see from your posts that you are beginning to see beyond this appalling situation and plan for a different future.

Women can and do escape from abusive relationships - many of them post on MN - including one woman whose husband scarcely let her out of the house (including keeping her trapped by insisting their child be home-schooled) and had installed cameras in every room so he could watch them when he was out. She also got away.

Your children will be far worse off growing up with a father who financially and emotionally abuses their mother than being raised by you as a single mother.

Please be aware that your H’s behaviour is abusive to the entire family: you are all being abused by your DH. If this continues, it will at least leave your DC with a very unhealthy model of a marriage but the harm could run much deeper.

Since he works away so much, you have time to plan.

You should consult a lawyer to get an idea of your rights.

@Billy1966 has made a good list of the information and documentation you should assemble.

Do NOT discuss your plans with your H - he is an abuser and will likely step up his abuse as he realises he is losing control of you.

Speak to WomensAid for help with an escape plan.

If you are still in doubt as to where he is an abuser (there’s no doubt he is), read ‘Why Does He Do This’?

Be aware that, as an abuser, your H will care only about his feelings and may become expressly dangerous if he realises you are trying to leave so you need to build in some protections for yourself. At some level, he thinks of you and your DC as his possessions, to be treated as he wishes. He doesn’t see you as his equal. He won’t admit he has done anything wrong and he will fight dirty in a divorce. These aren’t reasons to stay but they are reasons to plan and prepare carefully before making your move. Also, speak to some people IRL - you will need their support.

Brilliant advice dery, I presume you are a professional working in the DV field?

You could easily do some supply teaching or contact a tutoring agency, you could tutor evenings and weekends to start with to get a feel for it again. Being a teacher is very flexible and no holiday childcare to pay for or organise. You are in a good position and already have a degree.

You should also claim child maintainance. The fact he is a higher earner and will have too pay it all back through his tax return is not your problem, you need the money for the children. You shouldn't not claim this because he might have to pay tax! You've got your NI credits to think about if you won't even have a state pension.

Once you have left you will need to apply for Universal Credit. You will have wages, child benefit, Maintenance from him, and Universal credit so you will be able to survive.

Must be better than now surely?

Thanks @StrawberryJam200. I’m not a professional in the DV field but through a scheme at work (I’m a dispute resolution lawyer), I’ve worked on about 20 applications for non-molestation orders so have had some training on DV and done some of my own reading about it - it was through MN that I heard of Why Does He Do That and Women Who Love Too Much and read those.

How sad, that you say 'the money will anger him'. Not the loss of you, the children, the family, but the money. Sums it up really.

Hi OP, Start by looking for a job, as a teacher even an NQT you would be on more than the £18k you mentioned earlier. The childcare won’t be forever and as a teacher you are in a particularly good position, do you have family nearby that could help out with pick ups if necessary?

If you then decide to divorce you should get enough in settlement from what you’ve to buy a small house outright, unless you’re in London, pick your area you could get something good. You will also be entitled to child benefit and support from him. You will have much more disposable income than now.

You said you were worried the kids would live in luxury with him and poverty with you. They are not living in luxury now, you can’t take them out for the day, or treat them because he doesn’t give you enough.

You seem to be stuck emotionally and mentally OP, due to the abuse you’ve suffered.
Emotional responses can also become muted when you’re in a relationship like this as a coping mechanism. Perps depend on this as it stops their victim acting. There is clear financial abuse going on, and coercive control.
Tbh, contact Womens Aid, talk through this with one of the workers, go on the Freedom programme, or Equilibrium, slowly your eyes will open to his abuse.
You need to come to the realisation that the money he has hoarded at the expense of his family is half yours, all of it, the pensions, the house, savings everything.
Even if you don’t plan to act, gather evidence of assets, his income and savings now. Photo copy as much as you can to use in the future.