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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband grieving for OW

999 replies

Filly2011 · 14/02/2020 21:25

Anyone had experience of this?
Husband had 14 month affair with woman at work. Told me about it when she finally dumped him in favour of her husband. DH says he wants to keep marriage and willing to work at it. After months of counselling he now admits he is very upset as still loves her and knows he’s lost her. I feel very cut up by this. Can’t stop thinking about it.

OP posts:
Ullupullu · 14/02/2020 21:27

Why are you still with him? Doesn't sound like he wants to be with you... you're second best?

CinnnemonBeauty · 14/02/2020 21:28

I think really no matter how much he wants to work at it - how much do you value yourself? He cheated on you. Not a one off for 14 months. Get your ducks in a row and leave him to his selfish ‘grief’.

PennyGold · 14/02/2020 21:28

I know I don't know the whole story, but this is so disrespectful to you.
Not only did he cheat, he's now moping about after saying he "wants to make it work".
I couldn't be with someone who thought so little of me.

Yogawoogie · 14/02/2020 21:30

He had an affair and still loves her but HE wants to keep the marriage. Wake up op, he’s gone.

kcw1986 · 14/02/2020 21:30

Throw him out!!!!!

SlippersAndThePaper · 14/02/2020 21:31

You can’t work at a marriage when he still loves the OW. She dumped him so essentially you’re his second choice. Don’t be that.

Saranvenya · 14/02/2020 21:31

OP if he truely wanted things to work he'd keep his selfish, self centred thoughts to himself.
How dare he dump that on you, you really do deserve better and as hard as it may be for you, for your own self esteem put a stop to this and tell him where to go.

WhiteBadger · 14/02/2020 21:32

Why are you still with him? I don't understand from you post what's keeping you there?

Am I missing something?

Do you have kids?

Standrewsschool · 14/02/2020 21:33

listen to what he is telling you, that he is still in love with ow. Maybe he genuinely thought that he could make a success of it with you, but now he realised that it’s not going to happen.

Take control and start making the decesions, and do what you want to do, not him.

WinterCat · 14/02/2020 21:33

I’m sorry, OP. This must be awful for you. I agree with PP that you need to LTB.

SecretWitch · 14/02/2020 21:34

Not a chance in hell. Off he goes to “grieve” by himself.

I’m wishing you a very happy life without this spoiled man, op.💐

Original poster
Filly2011 · 14/02/2020 21:34

Saying he only really thinks about her when I get upset and berate him about the affair. I keep bringing her up when he’s doing his best to forget her (despite the love etc).
God I’m depressed. This is all of his making and I feel like I’ve got all the burden!

OP posts:
eyemask · 14/02/2020 21:34

You're worth more than this, you leave him! He's checked out but with you for convenience.

SecretWitch · 14/02/2020 21:35

@Filly2011, this is not your burden. He chose to break his vows to you..and now wants you to pick up the pieces? Fuck that. You deserve better than this..

kcw1986 · 14/02/2020 21:36

OP he’s blaming you when he’s the one that’s caused the problem. Tell him to get out, you deserve better than being a second choice.

Flagg · 14/02/2020 21:36

WTF?

Kick him out!!

Original poster
Filly2011 · 14/02/2020 21:38

We have lots of kids but they are grown up and left. We are in our 60s. I felt so scared he’d leave at first (due to age and v long marriage) but now I don’t know what to do. I can’t bear this but I’m scared to be alone I guess.

OP posts:
CremeEggThief · 14/02/2020 21:38

Dump him ASAP.
Sorry if that sounds harsh, but he has behaved appallingly and is making this all about him. Where is his remorse, guilt and sorrow for how he has treated you?

How dare he!

Craftycorvid · 14/02/2020 21:38

That’s incredibly tough to hear, OP. Is the counselling helping, do you think? Your DH’s feelings for the OW sound like something he feels the need to process, whether it’s helpful to process them in your presence is less certain. Hopefully you will be given the opportunity to say how you feel about this disclosure.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 14/02/2020 21:39

He's checked out of the marriage.

He would have continued the affair if she hadn't ended it. He only wants to work on the marriage because he's lost her and he's scared of losing everything now.

You deserve someone who loves you and only you. LTB.

OlivejuiceU2 · 14/02/2020 21:40

Go and have a fabulous life without him! Seriously.

Craftycorvid · 14/02/2020 21:40

In therapy I mean! And having your own individual therapy with another therapist may be helpful.

Original poster
Filly2011 · 14/02/2020 21:41

The counsellor made him admit it. He was hesitant to say in front of me at first but then said how can he get over “someone like that” when I just go on and on about it.

OP posts:
Faith50 · 14/02/2020 21:41

I am so sorry OP.
It appears your dh fell in love with the ow. Where does this leave you?
Are you expected to sit around and wait until he 'gets over her'?
Where is your dh's remorse at having a 14 month affair?

If OW had not dumped your dh, he would likely still be with her.

Only you know what you need to do.

Original poster
Filly2011 · 14/02/2020 21:43

Can I have a fabulous life at 60? On my own? Kids all gone. Family all in another country. Closest friends 100 miles away.

OP posts: