Husband grieving for OW

[Filly2011]

Anyone had experience of this?
Husband had 14 month affair with woman at work. Told me about it when she finally dumped him in favour of her husband. DH says he wants to keep marriage and willing to work at it. After months of counselling he now admits he is very upset as still loves her and knows he’s lost her. I feel very cut up by this. Can’t stop thinking about it.

Stop being stoic. Kick his arse to the curb. Tell the kids why. Live a long happy life preferably with a younger man. NOT wiping his aging arse.

Shame she dumped him cos if he'd have left you would've been over him and moved on by now. Well now he's decided that you should live apart whilst you're angry maybe OP you should decide you'd like to keep this arrangement for longer. You say you sit there watching TV every night. Did you both do things together every night then? I know it's mid winter and crappy weather at the moment but why not look into joining a walking group when it gets better or eve classes etc. It'll get easier and you might enjoy your own company at times if you make some new friends. Your dc will be ok.You're not too old to find new friends/a relationship. He's a pig and didn't deserve your forgiveness in the first place. Get rid of that dead wood and start living. You can do it. It might take a little while esp as he's knocked your confidence. Go out there and stop wasting energy over that tosser.

"Probably" means that he is not sure.

I am certain he's being honest there. Do you really want to invest in him any longer only for him to leave you in a few years for this or another anyway?

Oh poor him! He has been dumped by his lover of 14 months and now you berate him occasionally and don't seem to understand he his grief-stricken over her.

Get a grip woman - support him, flatter him, do the 'pick me' dance, make a fuss of him..........or (preferably) just kick the lying, cheating, pathetic, whining, self-centred bastard out. Really, OP, you deserve so much better.

One of the many horrible things is they used my house when I was at work and she drove our car. She also came for the weekend once with her husband and I cooked dinner and stuff for them. She sometimes messaged me to say my husband had had a tiring day at work and was on his way back.

OP this is so sad to read. You are 60, not 90. Don't spend the rest of your years listening to him

TBH - even if you were 90, this is good advice.

He would be up the road well and truly out the door!
You deserve better you really do.
I'm sorry you are going through this.

Basically he’s screwed up our marriage and ruined my life.

So knowing all of this you chose to stay... You either accept the new normal or move on.
Staying with cheating partners rarely goes well even for those who stay together. The person who was deceived never forgets and it does impact the relationship even if they won't admit it.
But they chose to stay regardless so it is whag it is.

I too have had such low self esteem that I stayed. I regret it most days and always advise those who just find out not to do it.

I haven't read the whole thread but are you still intending to stay even though he is still pining for the home wrecker???

Get the hell out and live the rest of your life.

What does the OW have to say for herself?

And I repeat GET RID

If you read Just Good Friends there is a section on this - the grief that a cheater will feel from breaking up so it's not just him .

You haven't asked for any of this and don't deserve it. TBH you deserve better than clinging onto this charade - its hard to do it but its better than your current life . You take control and you feel much better . As someone else said you could have a whole new relationship . That's me and now I know how much I was missing in my first marriage.

Now OP he’s ruined your marriage.

It’s up to you if he ruins your life, so get proactive and do something about it. Stop being a doormat

OW has nothing to say for herself. She refused to ever make contact with him again and disappeared off to her husband.

No one has ruined your life

You could have an amazingly free and happy 20 or 30 years ahead of you without a whining sleaze-ball appendage dragging you down

Deep breath - get rid of the disgusting scrote

Start to really live for you

If I were you and having been through similar I would book myself extended holiday to either family overseas or somewhere like the Canaries from now until Spring and leave the miserable man to his own devices.
Don't even tell him you're going. You don't need to do anything else other than put yourself first and have a good time without him dragging you down.

^ such good advice

Take legal advice about how you get to keep your pension

Can you sell up and get separate places?. Id be nice as pie to his face. "Oh seeing as I make you so unhappy lets live separately."

Get the fuck away from him.

There is nothing more sad than staying in a loveless marriage. It doesn't sound like he even likes you. Please choose your own life, you don't need him.

💐

Your marriage was not worth the paper it’s written on and your life is only ruined if you stay with this awful man. Sorry to be harsh, but stop wallowing in regret and sadness over what he’s put you through and stand up. No amount of counselling will fix this train wreck.

No one has ruined your life

Actually this sort of thing CAN ruin your life. Everyone is different. If I was to leave now I'd never trust anyone again. It's ruined the life I wanted for myself and there's nothing I can do now... It can ruin your trust in people and the life you had, it can ruin you financially as well depending on the circumstances... There's heaps of reasons why this can be classed as ruining someones life and only the person living it gets to decide how much of an impact it has on them.

I had a serious illness last year and he said I wasn’t being stoical enough.

But when he's cheated on you, he's allowed to mope as much as he likes?

Divorce him and move near to your friends or family.

He doesn’t give a shit about your feelings. He doesn’t care! It’s all about him.

Having read your updates, OP, definitely have therapy for yourself if it feels useful (and as a way to plan your way out of the marriage if need be) but it sounds like continuing with couples therapy is not helpful for you. Your H isn’t showing any respect or care for your feelings here. Yes, this will all have thrown him into a process of questioning his life so far etc, but what about you?

Funnily enough he complains that it’s all about me - my sadness, my anger, my jealousy of OW. He wonders when he gets to put his side of things.

Op. ..

You are sat at home watching mindless Tv .

Tell your kids , friends, dump his sorry arse . Try ways of filling your time .

This can be your new beginning.

I think you are starting ware this for yourself