Husband grieving for OW

[Filly2011]

Anyone had experience of this?
Husband had 14 month affair with woman at work. Told me about it when she finally dumped him in favour of her husband. DH says he wants to keep marriage and willing to work at it. After months of counselling he now admits he is very upset as still loves her and knows he’s lost her. I feel very cut up by this. Can’t stop thinking about it.

@Filly2011 see how long you can go .

Eventually it won't matter if you speak to him or not, you'll have disconnected, but for now, yes, cement the fact that you're not a couple in any shape or form by NOT communicating with him. Good decision.

He says my cold behaviour made him have an affair and now I’m unreasonably upset about it.

The first rule of misogyny is that women are responsible for men's actions. Sound familiar?

You deserve better. Divorce him. You may be able to list adultery as the reason and put the OW's name down as co-respondent.

Woke up at 4am to find rain has penetrated wall under window in back bedroom and plaster blown and crumbling off.

Feel awful that dh no longer there to help not that he’d be much help but at least I could have told him!

Altho if I did tell him I’d just get the exaggerated sighing and resigned ‘oh I have to sort all this now like I always have to do everything’.

I just have to get used to being alone and sorting everything out for myself.

I know that’s something millions of other people do all the time btw. I’m just moaning and having a poor me moment!

I am sorry he is being so disrespectful and hurtful to you.

I only started to recover from the pain of discovering my husband had been unfaithful (including him being concerned the other woman was ok while disregarding me entirely) by going as low contact as possible. I changed my phone numbers and only contacted him by email to say collect your stuff at this time or I will dispose of it.

He had been not responding to my reasonable requests. I changed my approach and started stating if I have no response to this email in 14 days I shall dispose of your uncollected items. Suddenly he would respond and be shocked I was taking back control. He too did not want me but wanted me waiting in the wings in case his new life did not work out. I eventually told him I would never get back together and from that point I started to move on.

Ten years later I’m much happier and wish I’d taken control sooner although I realise I was in shock at the end of my marriage and his coldness towards me. You will be ok just take control back and focus on what you want.

I uunderstand the need to moan, but have you seen a lawyer yet?

I think it's really important that YOU are the one to file, as this gives you more control of the divorce process. If you leave it to him he'll keep messing you about.

* I think it's really important that YOU are the one to file, as this gives you more control of the divorce process. If you leave it to him he'll keep messing you about.*

Take it you are not a lawyer and nor have you been through the process? I have recently been through the process and let me assure you that the person who instigated the process absolutely does NOT have any more power, control or anything. It is simply an administrative thing. It doesn’t have any impact on proceedings in any shape or form whatsoever.

Bringringbring whilst I agree with you, psychologically I think it would be worthwhile for OP to be the one to commence divorce proceedings. If only so she forevermore knows that it was she that took control of the situation, she who got her life back for herself and she who sent the clearest message of all that she was worth more than that cheating and self-obsessed arsehole.

And seeing (or imagining) the look on his face when he receives the paperwork would be priceless (or is that just me being petty 😁).

Your problem with anger is that you haven't got angry enough. You need cold fury to see you through this. A dollop of righteous hatred won't go amiss either.

See a solicitor ASAP.

Glad your individual therapist seems to see the situation clearly.

The relationship therapy was for public consumption, to suit a narrative of him trying his utmost, but Filly is a hard hearted bitch. So sorry your relationship therapist was so stupid, because the charade compounded your pain.

Your decision to cut contact is EXCELLENT.

* Bringringbring whilst I agree with you, psychologically I think it would be worthwhile for OP to be the one to commence divorce proceedings*

Previously - the instigator had to list reasons for divorce. Someone difficult, like the OP’s husband would have fought whatever the OP listed. If she was my friend I would have said let him do it and suck up whatever he lists as it has ZERO impact on outcome.

Now we have no fault in this country. So whoever instigates, it’s truly administrative.

@Bringbringbring
Why so aggressive? It may be largely administrative, but there are other benefits of filing first:

www.hermoney.com/connect/marriage/should-you-file-for-divorce-first/

Given how passive the OP has been so far, I really feel she would benefit from being the one to file.

Filly I understand completely about the repairs that need doing, and yes this is yet another thing that falls on you to have to sort out. Perhaps a call to insurance to see if they will cover this. Going forward for little odd jobs, Google is the most wonderful thing. I have fixed so many things after asking Google for help instead of the ex I got myself a little tool kit and if it's something that is a little too complex, I learned to put my pride in my pocket and ask my neighbour what he thinks.

I cannot tell you the satisfaction you get after fixing something on your own without any help. It seems silly but it is very liberating.

Aggressive?

Where?

psychologically I think it would be worthwhile for OP to be the one to commence divorce proceedings

This ^ with knobs on.

Filly needs to take actions which reassure her that she has a choice in these matters.

Legally, there may be no power imbalance - psychologically and emotionally there will be huge benefits.

He has to blame you, blame the OW because otherwise his view of himself would be shattered.

He see himself as 'perfect', his image to the world is the most important thing.

I'm guessing his 'friends' have been watered down version of events rather then the facts.
The best thing you can do is to live your truth, you know what a shit he is, your children know what a shit he is. And at some point he will be slapped with full truth and he will not like it.

Sorry about the window: how annoying, and yes, a reminder that due to what’s happened things have changed. Am sure there will be good services available to fix things, perhaps local friends Or local website could recommend someone?

@Bringringbring, current grounds for divorce in UK. Adultery, unreasonable behaviour, desertion for 2 years, 2 years separation with consent, 5 years separation without consent. These are the only grounds for proving the overriding ground, irretrievable breakdown of marriage.

There is a ‘no fault divorce’ bill just sent back by the Lords to the Commons with amendments suggested.

Hope this helps people reading this thread.

As with the driving, I hope you can look on the window problem as a way for you to develop your self reliance and self esteem muscles.

Just get a lawyer and sort yourself financially. THEN you never have to speak to him again

Re the window... speak to the insurance company to see if you can make a claim but check what the excess will be first. Look up local Facebook page for tradesmen or builders signs outside houses where they are doing renovations...I drove round the neighbourhood looking as could pop a note through the door with my contact details asking if the y would recommend the workmen they had employed.

Come on MN to ask advice. You have loads of people who are holding your hand

@SuperbMonkey

If you cite unreasonable behaviour you have to go in to detail. Listing examples. It’s a horrible process to do and then other party can deny if they want to draw out the process.

@cuttingthegrass I am very touched and grateful by all the people holding my hand. It’s amazing. A nice thing in a sea of s*.
Just felt the plaster (in a prof tradesperson type way) and it feels dry. So maybe just needs replastering and painting.
Everything seems a bit more manageable in the daytime.
My financial situation is complicated. He has more money but I have pensions. I need to keep discussion with him on this quite sweet or I could end up badly off in the future.
I am seeing a financial adviser.

To all the legal eagles out there remember that posting links and advice from other countries is confusing and unhelpful. If OP is in the UK, the US websites are completely unhelpful.

Good that you’re seeing a financial advisor.

HOWEVER you DO NOT have to keep him sweet and maintain contact. Agreement of financials will either be via mediation with independent facilitator and you can be in separate rooms and then ratified by your solicitor or solely between solicitors although this will be more expensive. Only if it is an amicable separation is it recommended to try and agree financials without independent support.

This is a genital probe but are you using financials and your perceived belief you need to keep him sweet (which he hasn’t been throughout by the way) as keeping a route and a door open with him... that you secretly still hold he may want to come back?

It is understandable, and many of us have been there, that truly realising it is over is hard. Being in denial about the death of the relationship whilst putting a strong front for others is normal for many.

But from all you have posted, it is over. And has been for some time on his part. He’s been stringing you along... look at your notes from your latest therapy session. RIP the plaster off .... see what I did there?... for both situations. See the damage and start to repair without all the rot.

Holding your hand

OMFG. Auto correct fail and a half... gentle NOT genital... keyboard going slow but I swear I have not typed genital ever before