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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband grieving for OW

999 replies

Filly2011 · 14/02/2020 21:25

Anyone had experience of this?
Husband had 14 month affair with woman at work. Told me about it when she finally dumped him in favour of her husband. DH says he wants to keep marriage and willing to work at it. After months of counselling he now admits he is very upset as still loves her and knows he’s lost her. I feel very cut up by this. Can’t stop thinking about it.

OP posts:
T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 14/02/2020 22:14

He’s full of shite and he’s making excuses for cheating on you. He’s trying to make his cheating appear to be a reaction to your ‘supposed’ cheating on him. He knows it’s bullshite, but needs to make YOU feel responsible for his disgusting behaviour.

If she was that wonderful and perfect for him, she wouldn’t have dumped him. She had her fun, probably had plenty of money spent on her, then dumped him as soon as she realised he was serious. She’ll be off with another shagger soon. Stop letting him gaslight you, OP.

Ellie56 · 14/02/2020 22:14

She made him feel great he says. Had so much time for him
Well she hasn't got time for him now has she? She's probably realised what a selfish self absorbed twat he is.

I would take a leaf out of her book, stop putting up with his shit and dump him too. You deserve so much better.

justasking111 · 14/02/2020 22:16

He was such a catch the OW decided to stick with her husband. Think about it. If he was not good enough for her, why would he be good enough for you. She wised up quickly, time for you to. And why should you move out, pack his things into bin bags and lob them out of the bedroom window. You will have loads more wardrobe space then.

leli · 14/02/2020 22:16

I do sympathise OP. There are many considerations for you. If you have grown children then I expect you've been with DH for 25 years plus. That's a long time, a worthy time, and hard to give up. And I expect you have to be taking the financial considerations seriously too. Splitting up in one's 60s is not easy at all, and although a very good life can be made, nothing is certain.

You don't say whether your children know about DH's infidelity. I think they should. It's not your job to protect him and knowing about it helps them support you both.

Personally I feel a long period of consideration and reflection is needed. Is there anything there for you to hold onto? Is there love left? Loyalty? Shared parenting? A future to look forward to? What you've told us about DH indicates that he hasn't expressed much empathy for you and that's tough. If he expresses remorse, love for you and understanding for your predicament then I think you have something to work with even if those feelings only come occasionally. But if he has no empathy for you or signs that he really wants to make things work you must really work hard to see if you can bear to be in a loveless marriage for the long term.

I'd say the picture isn't clear yet. Wait and see. Watch him and reflect inwardly. Work out what you need staying or going. Confide in friends and any family you trust.

Time heals whether you stay or leave. Don't despair. Many of us have been where you are. We survive. You are strong, I can tell from your posts. Good luck OP.

puds11 · 14/02/2020 22:16

Christ he’s pathetic!

Frosty26827 · 14/02/2020 22:16

What a spiteful, weak man your husband is ..... he’s putting all the blame on you.

Seriously, your marriage never going to be the same again, it can’t be .... he loves someone else and he would be with them if he could be.

Tomorrow go out, buy yourself some lovely new clothes, book a haircut/colour/manicure in fact the whole works and then start making plans for a new life, just for you. Maybe, book a solo travellers holiday, join a new club/gym and then ring around a few friends and make a some plans to go out for meals, cinema etc.

Please read this thread back ..... see it through a strangers eyes. What advice would you give to someone if you read this, what if you had a daughter and her husband was treating her like this ... what would you tell her to do? Just take it, take all the blame?

You are worth more than this.

WalkingWithTheBuffalo · 14/02/2020 22:16

OP come on. You've got another 20 years of good life. Move near your friends or family and get rid of this self-cantered misery-guts. Leave him to mourn both you and OW on his own.

powershowerforanhour · 14/02/2020 22:17

🎻 for him. Prick.

2018SoFarSoGreat · 14/02/2020 22:18

@Filly2011 please don't let him make this your future. You are only 60. There is so much life to be lived, and it should not be as a second best.

I'm your age, and totally love my DH, but I absolutely KNOW that I could have a fabulous life without him, if need be. If I was not his first choice, I'd be off like a shot. Trust me.

You deserve better than this. Stop putting your life on hold for this man.

Jenasaurus · 14/02/2020 22:19

Do you have a support network/family in RL you can turn to, it sounds like he has checked out of the marriage when he fell for the OW, I know you are scared to be on your own after such a long marriage, but I promise you, it will get easier and you will cope. The alternative is to accept you can accept being just companions with your DH then I would seek support and ask him to leave so you can start to heal. friend of mine had a similar situation and she still lives with her DH but as best friends, the romantic side died when he had an affair.

LonginesPrime · 14/02/2020 22:21

OP, I know you've been doing marriage counselling, but have you had any counselling on your own, just for you?

I think it would be helpful for you to get some perspective on exactly what you want to do with your life and how you'd want to be treated in an ideal world. It might also help you to recognise his gaslighting and lack of responsibility in an environment that doesn't need to take his oh-so-delicate perspective into account.

Original poster
Filly2011 · 14/02/2020 22:21

Unfortunately or fortunately I’m the one with the pensions. I’ve always had good jobs. He was a late starter (dropped out of uni) but now earns shitloads of money. He gave some of it to OW for consultancy services.

OP posts:
poopbear · 14/02/2020 22:23

He’s rewriting history. It’s classic abuse. Read up on it. Is this gas lighting? Read up. You can’t put up with this OP. He’s awful and treated you like utter shit. Where are all of your family and friends? You don’t have to stay where you are now. If your kids are all gone you can go too now. He’s set you free! Where would you like to live? I know lots of people who have remarried after 60 and are superbly happy but you’ve got to get rid of the dead weight (cheater) first. Go visit family and friends and work out where you’d like to live. Then you can join some social groups, U3A, country club, golf club..you’ll be too busy to even think about him. You deserve better than this arsehole OP

kcw1986 · 14/02/2020 22:23

Am sure he did give some to OW for services rendered.
You just said you have a good pension you’ll be fine sell the house and start over OP it will be scary first but couple of years down the line you’ll be thankful

sunnyblossom1 · 14/02/2020 22:25

If you have all the pensions and are sorted financially then why wait around for someone who his clearly making you unhappy. Take a step back and think why you would advise a loved one that was in your position. It’s hard to move on but clearly he had emotionally.

SirGawain · 14/02/2020 22:26

He’s in tears now because of his “shit life”

Oh! My heart bleeds for him!
OP each new revelation show that he is an even bigger arshole than I first thought. It's his fault and yet he blames you. If his life is shit that's down to him.
You can do so much better without him.

12345kbm · 14/02/2020 22:26

OP you're living a thoroughly miserable existence with someone who doesn't seem to care about you very much.

I'm not sure what you're expecting from marriage guidance since he's in love with another woman, has cheated on you and is treating you with contempt.

It may not be his first affair either. Since you have the cash, I would just get yourself out of there. Imagine one of your children in this situation, living with someone who cheats on them and treats them with contempt. Would you advise going to marriage guidance or would you support them to leave?

Leave him OP before he finds someone else and blames you for that as well. Get checked for STDs as you've been in an open relationship.

AlanRickmanFanClub · 14/02/2020 22:27

Filly2011
Can I have a fabulous life at 60? On my own? Kids all gone. Family all in another country. Closest friends 100 miles away

Is your life with a cheating husband fabulous? Even if you forgive him you can never forget.

My sister divorced her cheating scumbag of a husband at 60. He was a serial cheater but she waited until their last child left home and then divorced him. She met a man with whom she once worked and they are now together and she has never been happier.

Even if you don't meet someone new, you can still enjoy life - I really recommend you read the thread on the Relationship Board about being single, how can it be worse than living with a man who is pining for another woman?

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the very best.

Original poster
Filly2011 · 14/02/2020 22:29

No I’ve just done the couples therapy thing. Weirdly if I get upset at the therapy he comes over all nice and sympathetic but if I’m strong and measured about it all (which I rarely am) he gets really stroppy.
I don’t want to tell my kids yet. They’ll be so upset. Some of them know OW (my eldest son did work experience with her!)

OP posts:
Supersimkin2 · 14/02/2020 22:30

OW dumped him.

Funny, that.

UYScuti · 14/02/2020 22:30

He was going to come here tomorrow but now he’s too upset
Lucky for you!

HowlsMovingBungalow · 14/02/2020 22:31

I'd be serving the fucker with divorce papers asap.
Get shot, create a spanking new happier life for yourself OP.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 14/02/2020 22:32

You have to tell your children, OP. If you don’t, he will, but he’ll do it in such a way that lays some of the blame on you. That’s why he’s trying to convince you now that he is a victim and that he believes you were cheating on him. He’s trying to keep you quiet, until he decides what excuse he can come up with to your family. Don’t be so gullible.

justasking111 · 14/02/2020 22:32

You will need to tell your children, by covering it up you are protecting him at your expense. They are adults now who live in another country so are not that close to him. I suspect they have an idea how weak he is anyway.

Weenurse · 14/02/2020 22:32

Well he is a bit shit.
Tell him to stay away if your relationship made him that miserable.
Find yourself a new life and friends.
You can do whatever you decide, without having to consult anyone.
Weekend in a beach side cottage?