Husband grieving for OW

[Filly2011]

Anyone had experience of this?
Husband had 14 month affair with woman at work. Told me about it when she finally dumped him in favour of her husband. DH says he wants to keep marriage and willing to work at it. After months of counselling he now admits he is very upset as still loves her and knows he’s lost her. I feel very cut up by this. Can’t stop thinking about it.

@cuttingthegrass ha ha genital probe! That has given me the first genuine laugh for ages. Thanks.

You don't have to keep it sweet op, keep it professional.

Find a good solicitor and take their advice, remember your dh has had more time to consider options, he may already be talking to a solicitor and know what he wants. Also remember he's not the same person you once knew, he'll lie (as you now know he can), and try to manipulate you so he gets what he wants financially. He's no longer your friend.

As for your house, get onto trustatrader.com and get an idea of cost. Then text your dh and tell him he needs to pay half! Just ignore the eye rolling and all woe is me. It's half his responsibility remember, plus when the house is sold he'll want his fair share so he can bloody well pay for it.

There’s your mantra when you need a pick up or need some extra strength 😂😂😂...

You will need to start a new thread soon @Filly2011

I think the best way to communicate with exh is through email. Block his phone number.

With the window leak, it will be penetrating damp. Usually it would be caused by blocked guttering and the water overflowing down the brickwork, but with the horizontal rain and wind we have had it is more likely that. Check guttering first if safe to do so, or go on your local FB page and ask for recommendations, do not pay any money or deposit until repaired.

Also as pp said YouTube is your friend when it comes to DIY, I can’t tell you how many things I have fixed/built myself with YouTube help.

A lot of things are so easy to fix you realise you've been giving stupid money to professionals to do the simplest thing you could easily do yourself.

Glad the light of day has calmed your fears filly xx

This is a genital probe

Unfortunate typo, Cutting

Glad it raised a smile from Filly (Certainly did from me )

he may already be talking to a solicitor

And might have been for some time.

The plaster won’t be dry underneath. It takes days or weeks to dry out properly. It’s not the plaster that’s important, it’s the timber underneath that needs to dry out. Otherwise you get rot.

You need to get the leak repaired first anyway, before you do any redecoration.

Been there, got that tee shirt.

It's too easy to say dump him. I would say he is in a mortality crisis (funny how it's always men who get to indulge this) and consequently is in La La land about other woman. It's not real - it's limerence and fantasy.

You are being utterly taken for granted and even abused. If she had not ended it - he would likely have left you OP - Left you, that's brutal and all he seems to care about is his 'suffering'.

You could do this: Ask him to leave for 6 months or even a year. Think about what you want. Let him do whatever. Focus on yourself.

My relationship ended after 23 years - due to his affair. I'm 59, I wanted to try and save it, he decided he didn't. It was horrible, but you know what - I'm so glad it's over now. I am so much happier.

He needs to know you exist as a separate, important and self determining being. But even more importantly - so do you.

Sorry OP - I didn't read all of the thread - forgive me.

My ex called me a bully too - about the past rather than my behaviour after I found out about the affair. Said he was hurting, that's why he had the affair. It's very common for the guilty party to do that, as no doubt people have been saying.

My house was a state - partly because of the atrophy he had engineered - when he left I started to do it up - mend the rotting window frames myself etc etc. Gave me something to do inbetween bouts of weeping!
You can too!

The best thing I did was the day I decided never to speak to him again. That all conversation and contact was useless - went nowhere - round in painful circles. It's been about 2.5 years since I spoke to him, I don't even know his address. I don't speak to any of his family. I just went cold turkey. We have a grown daughter together, but we manage that quite well and are very respectful of each others parental relationship.

6 months after our last conversation he sent me a huge expensive bunch of flowers for my birthday, he did the same when I was very ill last year. I ignored both gestures. For me - if he wants a post relationship relationship he will have to do all the work and it will have to be one hell of a conversation completely driven by him. It won't happen.

Occasionally I feel like contacting him - usually in anger, but I never do and I am so glad I didn't after I have calmed down.

Day at a time. It WILL be ok. X

P.S - I've also had 2 relationships in that 2.5 years. Both lovely - not keepers, but lovely. Besides - I no longer believe in forever. I think the illusion of 'forever' causes a lot of pain and disappointment.

Blimey of all the things you expected this weekend I bet a genital probe wasn't one of them!

But Filly, you know the builder !!! remember ? the one you one to the the cinema with !

Yes Filly get the builder round!

Rosabug, go you ☺️👍
the power of stone cold silence🗿

@Bringringbring, thanks for your comment on my post. I wasn’t recommending one ground of divorce over another. Once ‘no fault’ divorce is introduced these grounds will be irrelevant. I was making clear the currently available grounds. If someone/a couple wants/want an immediate divorce (without waiting for at least 2 years), the only ground, if there is no adultery or if adultery is denied, is unreasonable behaviour. My experience is that adultery is frequently denied and, for obvious reasons, is difficult to prove without an admission. Unreasonable behaviour is then the only option. But as I say I’m not recommending one option over another.

Filly, sorry to hear about the leak and the damp. There is a silver lining about this though - you will go and find a builder, have it checked and have it repaired - and it will have been easy. it will be proof for yourself that you really don't need your H for anything. small steps into freedom.

And please get a SHL to get finances / pensions sorted, how can you move on otherwise.

Glad you're seeing a financial advisor, hopefully that'll help set your mind at ease a bit more

OP do something nice today.... just for you... something you really would enjoy 🌺

@SuperbMonkey
The point I was making was that if the OP’s ex instigates divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour - the onus is then on him to demonstrate why. When OP receives the doc it can make for painful (and funny!) reading. In her interest just to shrug, whatever, and accept.
Whereas if OP instigates and selects unreasonable behaviour, the onus is on her to demonstrate. And if the ex is a difficult bugger, he will contest. Meaning more expense and stress.
All being well though - the no fault bill will pass imminently

@BumbleBeee69 thank you! I have driven over to my home town with my friend - on a motorway, A roads, country roads.
A few mistakes but we’re still alive!

He can hardly deny adultery

Well done on the driving op! The best thing to improve driving is more miles under your belt.

He can hardly deny adultery

And adultery is pretty unreasonable . . .

It’s so horrible. I am so upset that he actually doesn’t care what’s going on with me. I could be dead but he doesn’t care.

You are trying to feel worthwhile, but because you are still connected to him you are viewing your vauel through his shitty lens. How can you feel good when a part of how you see yourself is actually as hecsees you.

The sooner you are no contact and done and divorced the sooner you will get a better sense of self back.