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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband grieving for OW

999 replies

Filly2011 · 14/02/2020 21:25

Anyone had experience of this?
Husband had 14 month affair with woman at work. Told me about it when she finally dumped him in favour of her husband. DH says he wants to keep marriage and willing to work at it. After months of counselling he now admits he is very upset as still loves her and knows he’s lost her. I feel very cut up by this. Can’t stop thinking about it.

OP posts:

UYScuti · 14/02/2020 22:35

if I get upset at the therapy he comes over all nice and sympathetic but if I’m strong and measured about it all (which I rarely am) he gets really stroppy
It's in his interests for you to be weak and subordinate so he rewards you when you display behavior which serves his interests.
When you are assertive and stand up for yourself he attacks you because that doesnt serve him at all.
He's manipulative
Keep being strong and measured, you dont back down, you double down

fairislecable · 14/02/2020 22:35

Take control and open the book of “ What if I Choose for Myself?”

Visit a solicitor, get financial advice on pensions, have the house valued.

Then decide if you want to remain as the remnants of a past life or choose something completely different.

Don’t support him, support yourself - you deserve it - he doesn’t .

letsdolunch321 · 14/02/2020 22:35

He deserves a boot up his arse followed by all his belonging out the front door and get keys off him so he can't sneak back in the fool.

He is blaming you working years ago on his unhappiness instead of admitting he fucked up thought the grass was greener, had an affair & now he is like a little child not being chosen. What a weak, spineless cretin he is.

Leave him to his pathetic little life, move on to a better chapter. Yes, it will be hard but you damn well deserve a life that you can do as you please rather than being bought down by that idiot who is not worthy of a good woman like yourself OP.

DustyD2 · 14/02/2020 22:36

You'll be happier without him, you just need to leave him to realise that. He will only make you miserable.

Good luck

Lifeisabeach09 · 14/02/2020 22:36

Dump the fucker!
There is no going back from this.
We age, we get sicker. Do you really want to end up as his carer later on in life? The resentment will fester.
You, definitely, can't count on him to look after you. The dick is way too self-obsessed.
Being single is freedom. Change is hard--don't be afraid of it.

Passmethefrazzles · 14/02/2020 22:37

Darling you are already on your own. I’m about your age and while I’m not in your situation, (married 40 years), I have no doubt that you are lonelier with an uncaring and unfaithful husband than you would be living by yourself. Who’s to say the other woman won’t have a change of heart and off he’ll trot to be with her.

You are most definitely young enough not just to start again, but to regain some self respect and make plans for a life without this selfish bastard constantly dragging you down.

Good luck, be strong x

UYScuti · 14/02/2020 22:37

You have to tell your children, OP. If you don’t, he will, but he’ll do it in such a way that lays some of the blame on you
this^ get your version of events (the true one) out first, he's trying to control the narrative so he can tell a version of events which put him in a good light.
He is your adversary, get ahead of him or he will do you down

Interestedwoman · 14/02/2020 22:38

Saying he only really thinks about her when I get upset and berate him about the affair. I keep bringing her up when he’s doing his best to forget her (despite the love etc).

This is really manipulative of him, an attempt to make you feel you can't talk about how you're feeling about his unfaithfulness.

No, you're right, he's not nice. And 60s isn't old these days- you could do your own thing without him moping around, or making you feel wrong for having emotions about what he did. xxxxx

GabsAlot · 14/02/2020 22:38

even the ow has dumped him cxoza hes so great

poor man just cant catch a break can he

Original poster

Filly2011 · 14/02/2020 22:39

Yes he is totally unsympathetic if I am ill. I had a serious illness last year and he said I wasn’t being stoical enough. He got less caring during his affair though. OW apparently told him there wasn’t much wrong with me.

OP posts:

DarklyDreamingDexter · 14/02/2020 22:40

OP, find your anger and dump this pathetic idiot, snivelling over his shit life and lost love. You may be in your 60s but if you cut this dead weight loose you can build a whole new life. What’s the alternative? Staying married to this cheat for the rest of your life, while he wistfully hankers after another woman?

kcw1986 · 14/02/2020 22:42

OP that’s a thought what if OW does change her mind looks like he’d finish things with you without a second thought.

Lifeisabeach09 · 14/02/2020 22:42

Don't waste the next 20-30 years on him, OP.
He is uncaring, disloyal and unfaithful.
Reclaim your life. LTB.

MsPepperPotts · 14/02/2020 22:42

If I were you and having been through similar I would book myself extended holiday to either family overseas or somewhere like the Canaries from now until Spring and leave the miserable man to his own devices.
Don't even tell him you're going. You don't need to do anything else other than put yourself first and have a good time without him dragging you down.

Happygirl79 · 14/02/2020 22:43

You deserve better
Get out of this marriage as he is not in love with you
If she decided she wants him back he would leave you
You know this
Reclaim your self respect

ploughingthrough · 14/02/2020 22:44

Walk away op. You don't need this hurtful shit. His shit life??! Tell him to go and get a better one alone.
My mum is 67, my parents divorced about 15 years ago and she has lovely life. She has grandkids who she enjoys, a mortgage free home, reasonable health and friends she's made since the divorce who she meets often and does nice things with.

Honeyroar · 14/02/2020 22:44

Come on girl! Dust off your pride and get rid of this piss useless millstone round your neck. You’ll
Feel better much quicker without him than you will with him.

My friend’s husband left this year. She was 57 and terrified of being on her own. While she’s obviously had ups and downs she’s doing well and, five months on, she’s starting dating and has men falling over her. Her grown up kids have been incredibly supportive and on her side.

Wallywobbles · 14/02/2020 22:44

My step mum for a new long term partner in her 70's.

Original poster

Filly2011 · 14/02/2020 22:45

I’ve asked him what he would do if OW changed her mind and he said he would PROBABLY ask her to leave him alone. When I objected to the use of the word probably he said I was being ridiculous.

OP posts:

SchadenfreudePersonified · 14/02/2020 22:45

No-one serves to be second best.

You don't deserve to be second best.

He wants to "try again" because it saves him admitting what a twat he is to your children, and he still retains the comforts of your marriage - I imagine you are cooking for him, doing his laundry etc.

He wants to have his cake and eat it o and if this woman, or even another, gives him the nod he will drop you in a heartbeat and run off again without even looking back.

Don't be a doormat. get your ducks in a nice neat row and then chuck him out.

kcw1986 · 14/02/2020 22:46

I call bullshit OP your husband is a lying sack of shit

UYScuti · 14/02/2020 22:46

he said I wasn’t being stoical enough
I'd be serving all them phrases up to him on a regular basis, nice and cold
there's only one backbone in your household OP and it sure as hell doesnt belong to him, he's like ivy clinging to an oak tree

Original poster

Filly2011 · 14/02/2020 22:47

Thank you all for being so kind. I don’t feel quite so hopeless now.

OP posts:

Roozy123 · 14/02/2020 22:47

It's better to be alone than feel like this.

You have one life and this is how you're choosing to live it???

UYScuti · 14/02/2020 22:47

he said he would PROBABLY ask her to leave him alone
how did you not punch him in the throat???

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