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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband grieving for OW

999 replies

Filly2011 · 14/02/2020 21:25

Anyone had experience of this?
Husband had 14 month affair with woman at work. Told me about it when she finally dumped him in favour of her husband. DH says he wants to keep marriage and willing to work at it. After months of counselling he now admits he is very upset as still loves her and knows he’s lost her. I feel very cut up by this. Can’t stop thinking about it.

OP posts:
pallisers · 14/02/2020 21:58

Oh OP tell him to fuck off and not bother coming. Tell him you are too bored by his whinging.

I think you need to see someone - counsellor or therapist to deal with this - as in figure out how to build your self-esteem again so you can just dump him out of your mind. I bet he was a shit to you for years.

And tell people in real life if you haven't already. Tell your children. Tell your friends - no matter where they live.

Cheeryandmerry · 14/02/2020 21:58

I’ve known people divorce in their 80s. Chin up OP. You’re better than this x

Original poster
Filly2011 · 14/02/2020 21:59

Apparently I have made him unhappy for 15 years. Working late, socialising at work, not being affectionate, not listening to him.

OP posts:
puds11 · 14/02/2020 21:59

He’s a waste of space.

MurrayTheMonk · 14/02/2020 21:59

Not coming tomorrow because he's too upset???
Nah. He's not coming tomorrow because you are done waiting for him to stop being a selfish bastard and you have realised your self worth. I hope so anyway.

puds11 · 14/02/2020 21:59

I see none of this is his fault at all.

kcw1986 · 14/02/2020 22:00

OP with every update surely you see what an absolute dickhead he is, why are you still with him.

Your not happy and he’s not what’s the point.

I repeat GET RID.

LonginesPrime · 14/02/2020 22:00

Apparently I have made him unhappy for 15 years. Working late, socialising at work, not being affectionate, not listening to him

Aw. poor baby.

Original poster
Filly2011 · 14/02/2020 22:01

Yes she is very kind and sympathetic. She made him feel great he says. Had so much time for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Filly2011 · 14/02/2020 22:02

Yes you are all right. He’s not nice.

OP posts:
spacepoppers · 14/02/2020 22:03

OP this is so sad to read. You are 60, not 90. Don't spend the rest of your years listening to him bleat on about how shit his life is, while completely disregarding yours. We have one life, go and live it to the fullest, without this pathetic man child holding you back preferably.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 14/02/2020 22:03

OP, he’s only keeping you around until he gets another offer. You might as well dump this waste of space and start a new life for yourself, before he dumps you, when you’ve wasted even more years on him. You have no ties, so you can do what you want to do. Move closer to your friends of family. Take up salsa dancing. Become a nude model for art classes. Fuck it, OP, you’re at the age where you can behave disgracefully and get away with it.

champagneandfromage50 · 14/02/2020 22:04

I am not sure what your waiting for? He cheated for 14 mths and is acting like a puppy licking his wounds as his OW dumped him. Whether your 30 or 60 you deserve better

midwestspring · 14/02/2020 22:04

Staying in this marriage would be terrible for your self esteem OP.
Your husband has had a long affair and instead of trying to repair things with you expects you to feel sorry for him because he was dumped?
I can't see how life by yourself could be worse.

zasknbg · 14/02/2020 22:04

What a piece of shit. Devastates you with his actions and then blames you! He only told you because he wanted you to look after him like his mummy ie for totally selfish reasons. He sounds so self absorbed that he deosn't give a shit about the impact on you, he just wants you to make things better for him.

And I see he's too upset to come to see you. What a prick. Considers only his own feelings.

I think you should walk away. He's a piece of shit. I can see that you feel that you have nowhere to go but actually, you are free to relocate and to redirect your life.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 14/02/2020 22:05

BTW, as soon as he knows he’s lost you and you want a new life, he’ll do his bloody hardest to stay, for ‘you’re sake’ of course. He’s a prick.

Cheeryandmerry · 14/02/2020 22:06

OW sounds perfect for him! What a shame she dumped him Hmm.

OP you KNOW that if she clicks her fingers he’ll come running. Show him you respect yourself. Seriously, he objected to you working and socialising?!

DecemberSnow · 14/02/2020 22:06

His a horrible man.

Please leave now.

You CAN make ur life better.

You deserve so much more

Snugglepumpkin · 14/02/2020 22:08

He wants someone to do the shopping, cook the meals, do the laundry, hoover the house & buy him a Christmas present etc... while he retains control of the remote control & sits there being incredibly disrespectful to you for the rest of your life because you are NEVER going to forget he's only with you because someone else didn't want him enough.

The woman he chose decided to kick him to the curb so you'll do as you're his only option if he doesn't want to have to start ironing his own shirts or lose having someone to listen to him bitch about his hard life.
If your kids don't already know, he also doesn't want the agro of them possibly not thinking he is the worlds greatest martyr to 'make do' with second best which he is making it obvious he thinks you are.

You deserve SO MUCH BETTER.

You can move nearer your friends, visit your family & leave him to grieve another woman.
You could have 40 more years of this self pitying so & so otherwise.
Is that what you want?
Is that better than being alone & not being hurt everyday looking at that man whine about his lost love?

Or will you wait until he finds someone else to cheat with, because it will happen.
He has already proved that you are not worth being faithful to as far as he is concerned.

Greenandpleasanter · 14/02/2020 22:08

Wow he's really a victim isn't he? Everything in his life has been shit, everyone has let him down, blah, blah, blah.

What's the betting you've always bolstered him up all these years OP?

What about your anger? How dare he betray you and then blame you for not being able to get over it.

You still have a lot of a life to live. He's just a millstone round your neck. Imagine how it would be if he was elderly and infirm, would you want to look after him while he carried on moaning about how you and everyone else have wrecked his like? You deserve better and being alone has got to better than that.

Fredastaireatemyjamsandwich · 14/02/2020 22:09

Divorce him. Go and see a solicitor to check out your options re claiming what you’re entitled to . Including a proportion of his pension. He’s done it once, he’ll do it again.
You are worth more than the way he has treated you. Much more.

blue25 · 14/02/2020 22:09

No, he’s gone. You’re worth more than this and you have to find your self respect.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 14/02/2020 22:09

Saying he only really thinks about her when I get upset and berate him about the affair

Translation: If you don't shut up about this, he'll consider himself free to do it again and blame you for "nagging" him

Your situation is uncannily similar to my own, even down to the age, his self pity/lack of remorse and the worry about being alone; the difference is that with mine it was prostitutes - more than 30 years worth of them, who were apparently "an addiction"

You could try counselling, though I'm not sure I'd recommend it with him being so far from accepting any responsibility. However you could certainly get some for yourself, and that really could be a good idea to help you reach a decision

Original poster
Filly2011 · 14/02/2020 22:10

He says he didn’t believe I was working. He didn’t trust me! But that’s crazy - that job was 12 years ago and he’s never mentioned being unhappy about it until now or not trusting me.
He says OW and he confided in each other about their unhappy marriages. I had no idea I was in one. She told him he needed someone to stick up for him (like her presumably)

OP posts:
DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 14/02/2020 22:13

Can I have a fabulous life at 60? On my own? Kids all gone. Family all in another country. Closest friends 100 miles away.

Yes, you can. You really can. Once you have sorted out the practical details (house, furniture, pensions etc) through your lawyers, you can then choose where to go. Would you like to move nearer to your friends? Or even move to where your family are? Not having a young family depending on your for care means that you have more choices. There are very few time sin the average life when you can reset the clock and re-design your life as you want it, and this is one of them.

Think of all the things you would have liked to do, but never did because you had to think about him or your children. Do you still want to do any of them? Do you have something you have always wanted to learn, or a hobby you have never been able to pursue? Would you like to change jobs? You can be fabulous and live a fabulous life, it's there just waiting for you to claim it.

I know that right now you would rather have him, and for him to have kept his cock under control, but you have fought to save your marriage. You just can't fight the fact that he feels he is settling, and may leave one day anyway.

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