Gossip might be clouding me

[Pollypocket89]

My DH was the subject of gossip a little while back at work. Him and a woman there accused of having an affair. It's not true but I don't think he's helping himself by still having a relationship with her bar civility. He's above her and doesn't need to interact with her but he'll still drop her name into conversation etc

To me and the RL friend I've discussed it with, out of respect for me and himself he wouldn't have anything to do with her. He doesn't see the issue but it's making me wo der if he doesn't see it because he doesn't want to

To those saying I wouldn't be posting if I wasn't suspicious, that's true. But equally if I was that certain he'd cheated on me, me and DC would be gone.

Which is why you've given yourself permission to not believe it. You are scared to follow through with such a massive step

I remember your previous thread and I barely know where to start.

Your dh is not just idly checking a pal's social media in passing, is he? This 'friend' posts online numerous times daily, and if I remember rightly, she is usually wearing skimpy underwear. And he avidly follows all her posts.

He and this woman have been the subject of office gossip for some considerable time. He has even been accused of having an affair with her.

Why did he tell you any of that?

And now? Now he's been caught spending time alone with her in a room with the light off and the door closed. But it's ok because she was upset and thinking of leaving, and he is the only one she trusts?

That is utter bullshit.

He is revelling in all this, they are hiding in plain sight and you are being taken for a complete fool.

From everything you’ve said I don’t think there’s any reason to believe anything physical has happened. I would say they both very very likely have a mutual attraction and feelings for each other which is known between themselves. Where you go from
here? I don’t know.

I agree that they share attraction and emotional intimacy. He looks to see her nearly naked, they are playful in their own jokey ways, and he is now positioned as the only one she trusts and confides in. That is heady stuff and boundaries have weakened at less. He couldn’t or wouldn’t give you a definitive answer when you asked what he’d do if she expressed feelings.

He says that they were previously accused of an affair because they talk and are comfortable with each other. That doesn’t make sense. There had to have been much more to it.

The new information that they are messaging outside of work is troubling, and if he showed you gaps where he didn’t respond, I would assume that he had deleted his responses before showing you. Due to their connection, it is doubtful that he has been ignoring her.

Their private time in the dark room is still suspect, and I don’t buy his ‘I was thoughtless’ comeback. He is a manager and he knew what he was doing. They wanted to be alone and secluded. Surely he broke protocol. If another employee wanted to discuss a work matter, would he have taken them to the private darkened room?

You say you don’t want to control his behavior, but you certainly have the right to assert your self-respect and expectations when he crosses your boundaries.

You shouldn't HAVE to control his behaviour though so it shouldn't be a thing. He should be doing that himself as an adult. I'm just GUESSING this but.. maybe she doesn't trust anyone in work because she KNOWS what people are saying about her?! 🤷🏻‍♀️

For what it's worth, I think you SHOULD talk to one of your friends, but they'll more than likely tell you things that have been already said in this thread.

You said earlier (not an exact quote) that it's possible that he just doesn't believe what he's doing is inappropriate. Well it IS, you've talked to him, and he still hasn't pulled back....

My last post was to show she is likely gunning for him, and he isn't doing much to put her off.

But I don't thinknyoure listening or what to see what's in front of you.

How is she likely gunning for him?

This thread is most definitely a wind up. The OP is being deliberately obtuse, to get a reaction.

Yes, it's all one big joke. I'm killing myself laughing over here at my life

I'm not being obtuse, I'm asking how she is gunning for him based on what I actually know.

I think with MN people get impatient when posters don't do what they're being told to do by pp but they aren't the ones who has to live with the consequences

I did say this was providing me with a helpful outlet, but if it's annoying people, I'll just leave it here

Thanks to those who were kind

@Pollypocket89 you can't expect folk on here not to get massively frustrated with you. Remember, the people talking to you here are also human beings, just like you.

You seem unable to answer basic questions like, "how do you feel about what he is doing" but instead circling back to the same incredibly irrelevant details, while glossing over the actual relevant things. Even your list of "facts" about "what you know" a few days ago, misses out on huge chunks of relevant information.

You can't blame the actual real human beings, who are invested in your situation, for thinking you are taking the piss.

Your husband has made it crystal clear that he doesn't care how you feel, when it comes to this woman. You seem completely unable to see that and instead are fixated on whether someone sticking their tongue out is flirting or not, etc.

It's hard not to see it as a piss take.
I hope you get the professional help that you need to resolve this situation.

Hi all, don't give up on the OP. It takes a while to get your head around new ways of thinking when you're in the midst of a significant relationship.

Posters were thinking I wasn't listening in the thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3800172-Is-it-ok-for-a-lover-to-ask-repeatedly-for-sex-acts-he-knows-you-dont-want but it just takes a while to feel able to fully integrate and act on the information/insight people are giving you. It was a whole 9 days between starting the thread and blocking him on all fronts, which really isn't much in the great scheme of things. And that 'relationship' was only 18 months, whereas the OP's has been a lot longer.

Also, everyone has a different personality/way of expressing themselves. It oesn't mean they're not seeing things as important. x

Oh this is so sad. I'm afraid you're only delaying the inevitable. Do yourself a favour and get your ducks in a row now for when it gets worse.

Or save yourself the hassle and kick him out now. It's your choice.

Sadly, you can't make someone stop mistreating you or disrespecting you because he's already shown you he doesn't care about your feelings.

Judge people by what they do, not what they say.

Look at the end of the day, the decision is yours to make. YOU know him & how he behaves, we don't🤷🏻‍♀️. We're only going on what we're reading. And from what we're reading, he's blatantly disrespectful and there's OBVIOUSLY something shady going on. Whether this turned/turns physical or not, it just doesn't matter. Your feelings should be a priority to him and they're not.

Everyone is here to back you up and to give you advice. We're on YOUR side but people (not me necessarily) .. are getting pissed off because they feel you're being far too blasé about this.

LISTEN to your gut OP. If you're truly happy that's all that matters👌🏻.

People are trying to wind you up, making it sound as bad as possible, they are wannabe solicitors twisting the facts as much as they can for their cause.

You mention a room without the lights turned on and it gets changed to “dark, secluded” !!!

Polly, if the thread has helped you process your thoughts and feelings, you should stick with it. We all want the best for you.

If she does leave he might want to get the number of her recruitment advisor as I imagine he’ll be getting the sack pretty soon.

I was coming back to say thank you as yes, it was helping me but then I read the last post. Its posts like that that's why I won't say anymore as they serve no purpose other than to be mean

Polly, I hope you will stay with the thread and focus on the comments that help you gain clarity.

I wasn’t trying to be mean, I was simply being realistic as senior management have spoken to him about this twice now. However instead of taking this warning on-board and acknowledging how inappropriate and unprofessional he looks he is instead outraged, and apparently has absolutely no intention at all of moderating his behaviour with this woman.
If you want to start getting angry with someone (and I think that you should) may I suggest you start with your husband? You know, the person who doesn’t care that he is completely humiliating you and putting his livelihood and your family income at risk.

@PP12345 You mention a room without the lights turned on and it gets changed to “dark, secluded” !!!

Why not turn a light on?

Because it’s bright enough without wasting electricity?

Well OP how have things been with DH since?

OP, if you are still reading, you could see how your DH interacts with this woman if he is separated from her due to working from home or isolation, see if they cope without seeing eachother for 2 weeks or if they increase contact.

I may regret this and no one needs to reply if they don't want to, I just need somewhere to rant!

I was happy enough as we've spent lockdown together all fine, and no he's not been disappearing off anywhere etc

I'll admit I have glanced at his phone... There has been one message from her and one reply back from him till yesterday (that I only saw first thing this morning). I asked him directly about it. She's put a Facebook status up asking for advice about cars/issues as she knows nothing and he replied messaging her advise and offered to have a look for her online. I asked why he would do that considering everything and he said he was just being nice [rage]

I have to say that you are clearly in denial. There is something definitely up between them but you are making every attempt at trying to justify it.
Ask yourself why would this rumour have started in the first place. People would have noticed their gestures and being in the same workplace they would have let their guard down more than they realised for it to be brought up. Just like he did when he stuck out his tongue.
What professional colleague does that? No , they have their special lingo which developed over time. To hell with you sitting right next to him.

As for chatting in a dark room?? Why would you even put yourself in that position After you were warned at work? That ranting call was damage control, not actually a rant.

An innocent person would not touch this situation with a barge pole. He would have made every effort to ensure that he set the record straight about this woman. But he is doing the exact opposite and making you a huge fool alongside.

If your friend came to you and said any of this what would you honestly tell her.