Gossip might be clouding me

[Pollypocket89]

My DH was the subject of gossip a little while back at work. Him and a woman there accused of having an affair. It's not true but I don't think he's helping himself by still having a relationship with her bar civility. He's above her and doesn't need to interact with her but he'll still drop her name into conversation etc

To me and the RL friend I've discussed it with, out of respect for me and himself he wouldn't have anything to do with her. He doesn't see the issue but it's making me wo der if he doesn't see it because he doesn't want to

Can I ask how old your husband is? It’s madness to me that he’s her manager and not only has another manager come to him to let him know people have been talking but he’s still putting himself in a situation like that 4 months later! The moment his manager first mentioned it you would expect he would also be embarrassed that people were thinking and discussing it. Even if totally innocent, you’d think be a bit more mindful/careful with interactions from a professional sense. It’s also pretty unprofessional of him to be following her on Instagram if she regularly posts half naked images. Who would want a colleague/supervisor seeing that?!

He's mid/late 30s and not her manager but a manager in the same place

Haven't had time to read all replies yet but I will as soon as I get a minute

She is playing him like a fiddle, I have instigated EA with married men before in my younger days, when I was unhappy and looking for some attention.

Men are so easy to play, you fluff their ego, you tell them they are amazing listening to you "go on". They are a great listener, only they seem to understand. You flirt and flutter your eyelashes and they open up to you about little things at home.

Before you know it your "helping" each other out with home life issues, you become their focus, they are oblivious to those around them noticing the two of you, because they believe they are being discreet. They aren't!!!

It impacts at home, because the focus is on you and not their wife/partner. They message you, check out your social media, take annual leave to meet up or have "meetings away" as cover.

It becomes a full blown affair before you know it.

He likes her a lot all the signs are there, they are having an EA, and would move on to a full blown affair given half a chance.

Work has noticed, he is minimising and using damage control.

He doesn't need to follow her on SM or contact her outside work. Tell him no and mean it

I asked him about messaging and he said sometimes she tags him in stuff or she texts and he doesnt reply

or she texts and he doesnt reply

Bullshit 🤔

He did show me and she's sent more that he hasn't replied to. But I guess even if that's true then that begs the question of the tongue thing and still talking on person

They chat together at work, she likes him so likes to message him at home too....Just so she's still in his mind

You don't seem very bothered about any of this. Would you turn a blind eye and let him have this woman as a bit on the side? If not I can't understand why you are minimising this so much.

This is the most painful thread I've ever read on here.

she tags him in stuff or she texts and he doesnt reply

How do you know he doesn't reply AFTER the fact. Why is she texting PERIOD? Why does she need to contact him so much outside of work? When she KNOWS he's married & has other things to be focussing on other than work. The fact he hesitated when the subject of love came up is all you need to know OP.

Either, she DOES have a thing for him, he already KNOWS about it & still isn't putting distance between them, both leading her on and upsetting you which makes him a complete asshole. OR they ARE having an affair or very close to it.

You know all this yourself, otherwise you wouldn't be here asking advice. You're definitely minimising this, otherwise we're looking at another thread in a couple of months titled.. "blindsided by husbands affair"

Yeah cause he can't delete his reply from his phone can he OP . Why exactly are you posting if you believe him.

To those saying I need counselling or have no self esteem, I do. I'm posting here as an outlet as once you bring up this kind of thing in real life, it clouds friend's views forever even if he's not done anything

I'm very grateful to those who reply to me as it helps me process stuff on here. It's how I'm wired.

To those saying that I believe him etc, what I've posted here is a snippet of our lives. In 7 years he's never given me reason to doubt him. I have spoken to him about how I feel but maybe I haven't been clear enough

I don't ever want to try and control anybodies behaviour, that's just not me

To those saying I wouldn't be posting if I wasn't suspicious, that's true. But equally if I was that certain he'd cheated on me, me and DC would be gone.

Obviously some trying to help me are projecting a lot onto my situation, like the woman instigating an affair, fluttering her eyes and creating drama... Like I said on my last thread, I have no issue with her. She could be in love with him and its still up to him what to do about that

Facts that I know :
They get on
He follows her on social media
Some people at work gossiped about them having an affair
She texts him sometimes

I asked him what they talk about and he said she's thinking of leaving but he's the only one who knows

Facts that I know :
They get on
He follows her on social media
Some people at work gossiped about them having an affair
She texts him sometimes

You know he's been talked to by management about his relationship with her. That is bad. Is the whole world wrong apart from him? Is everyone trying to set him up?

"He follows her on social media"? You make it sound like she's posting pictures of kittens.

If you don't respect yourself I don't suppose you will call him out for not respecting you either.

Can I just say... you said you've been with him 7 years and you said "once you bring up this kind of thing in real life, it clouds friend's views forever even if he's not done anything"

So basically you don't feel comfortable after 7 years having an adult conversation with him, where you just say something like "this makes me feel uncomfortable, and I'm hurt or feel annoyed about the amount of time you spend with her and watching her social media. Could we discuss this and find a solution"

For me one of the things that makes a relationship great, is communication. Being able to talk things through honestly and openly. If you can't do that, then that right there is an issue in your relationship.

What did he have to say about being 'caught talking in the dark' once he got home? Or did you bring it up with him?

He said that the light was off but obviously it was day time so they could see and she was talking about leaving. I said isn't there anyone else she could be talking to and he said there he's the only one she trusts (them talking and being comfortable with each other is the reason gossip started he said at the time)

@lifegoes no I said I'm posting here as opposed to saying anything to friends in real life tarnishes someone nothing to do with me talking to him

I think he thinks he isn't doing any thing wrong as pp said he's not doing anything physical

So what DO your friends make of this whole scenario? They know him personally after all.

... I just said I'm posting here instead of telling anyone in real life :)

The one I mentioned here before I've only told about the social media part, nothing else

So then talk to him @Pollypocket89 ??

my friends would only be annoyed with me if they believed what he was doing is wrong and I couldn't see it. Which one of your friends has already told you.

Just as a semi aside, do you think that's weird, being on social media multiple times a day or evening?

I have been in this situation. My husband denied it and was quite defiant as was she. The gossip was quite awful.... I am pretty sure she is not aware of half of the rumours about her . I guess that says alot about her behaviour. Many said it was her not him that they felt uncomfortable with.

Sadly I saw her/their behaviour firsthand and found her to cross personal boundaries, very flirty . In fact even with women she kind of gets in your face. A little fake and clearly thinks rather alot of herself.... similar posts of how great she is. This did not help said situation. Sorry I am all for confidence but we do not have to promote ourselves like an advert.
Added in she quite often ignored me .... yet gushed over him. He must have made her feel comfortable to act this way and allow it in the first place.

We have had a very rocky road ever since he had texted her on social media once and on mobile once that I know.

I am still no closer to the truth but I find op
very calm and seemingly not to have your own view on this where as I am BATSHIT crazy !!!! I would say our circumstancea are on a par but you are asking others ??? My view is the ow is disrespectful and likes her ego being stroked. I probably can say the same for him . I find your reactions to be less emotional charged ?

My husbands defiance to continue some comtact ,has really caused a massive issue and I have no conclusion but I am unsure if we will make it to the otherside.

I am now seeking help via a counsellor and sadly the situation went on for so long it completly messed with my head. On one hand the defiance suggests honesty but on another level it is arrogant and self induldgent. I go around and around. I think the bottom line is I will never find the truth but if we are to repair he must remove her ...... we will see what happens but I am also very much ready to remove myself.

I am worth a million of a women who has no boundaries .... the view of others is she is sad and a slapper ..... he is disrespectful..... I am sad to not see the alarming truth .... now I must end the cycle.

Ps wishing you luck

Thank you and I'm sorry you're in a horrible situation, I hope the therapy helps you

I think maybe my posts come across calm because I'm trying to be rational. His reactions aren't out of the ordinary, he's not hiding his phone or anything and he'll tell me normally about the situation to the extent he thinks it is one

Like I said, I don't know this woman so don't want to project anything onto her. For all I know she does just like him and get on or, she's in love with him. Neither option really matters to me as she didn't marry me a year ago