Gossip might be clouding me

[Pollypocket89]

My DH was the subject of gossip a little while back at work. Him and a woman there accused of having an affair. It's not true but I don't think he's helping himself by still having a relationship with her bar civility. He's above her and doesn't need to interact with her but he'll still drop her name into conversation etc

To me and the RL friend I've discussed it with, out of respect for me and himself he wouldn't have anything to do with her. He doesn't see the issue but it's making me wo der if he doesn't see it because he doesn't want to

OP rant away👌🏻. I was wondering how things were going to unfold whilst in lockdown.

What's the box emoji, Ljenn?

Oh sorry like an 'OK' thumbs up 😂😂. Can't describe it to be honest but it was positive 😂😂

Ahh I see... It shows up as a flesh colour box for me, how strange!

I'm just?!?! at him. He said no one could see he replied so it's fine. I said him talking to her when he doesn't need to isn't great

I just saw a text pop up saying 'amazing, love you! Thanks for your help'... He doesn't know I saw but wtf

He’s taking the proverbial.

Is that based on exactly what I've written Agent Johnson as opposed to the conjecture about a physical affair etc?

I wonder how he'd feel if you struck up a nice little friendship with a man?

It is a difficult situation. It’s so painful to even think the worst. What is your gut telling you? Has he given you reason apart from this to question his loyalty to you? Is he this caring and attentive to his male subordinates?

You just don't tell a married man 'love you' even if it's in a breezy way like that, particularly not if there's already been gossip about your relationship. I can't remember on this thread has anyone linked to the 'Dog-whistle Girl' article yet?
And yes if you had a close friendship with an available guy like this, how would your OH feel?

I think you are wearing us all out...

There's none so blind as those who will not see

Mintlegs, my gut is telling me he's an idiot. In all honesty. I really don't think anything physical has gone on but I'm aware it's probably something more than nothing.

I think he really thinks he's not doing anything and is actually in denial himself

And no, he's never given me any reason to doubt him in 7 years which is why I find it so difficult now

Wasnotwasweregood, I've read the dog whistle thing and don't think that sounds like her from what I know. Even the Facebook Post, it was to all her friends open on her page (he showed me) so it's on him replying

Love you??? O.. Kaaay. That's just.. peculiar.

Do you think that's a red flag, even said in a breezy way? I was waiting to see if he replied (he's left his phone here while he's gone for a shower) and his only reply was 'Goodo'

I don't necessarily see THAT as a red flag, but personally.. (and this is just me) I wouldn't send a male work colleague, 'love you' in a message. Even if we were both married, happy and have secure relationships, etc etc..

And I definitely wouldn't do it if there had've been rumours beforehand. It's not sensible.

I would say it's very flirty/full on of her and she's probably into him.

As it's a public question he could've answered it publically.

Maybe he could say 'Please don't say "love you" and stuff as I have a wife.'

But perhaps tell him that you saw that one from her and it's not ok given the context of gossip etc.

He is taking the piss in that he's not being respectful of your feelings.

He shouldn't be talking/msging with her at all.

As someone once said on a previous thread, these type of men are not nearly as helpful when it's old Madge in Accounts or Bert in the warehouse who needs advice........

Maybe he could say 'Please don't say "love you" and stuff as I have a wife.'

Does that not sound really weird in the context about cars? If she'd said I love you then obviously that's very different

Pannacottaformeplease, I had another snoop on her Facebook page as its not completely private and she is really pretty so I'm inclined to agree

As someone once said on a previous thread, these type of men are not nearly as helpful when it's old Madge in Accounts or Bert in the warehouse who needs advice........

This.

There's something really unattractive about men who play white Knight.

They seem to fall into two categories...

1. Simpering and weak - wanting approval and an ego boost by being 'lovely' even if it makes their actual partner upset and insecure.

Common response: don't be meaaaan I was trying to help, I didn't think I was doing anything wrong

1. Knowingly using it as a way to talk to other women with the excuse of being 'too nice for my own good'

Common response: passive aggressive "sorry for actually caring about people and wanting to be helpful, would you rather I didn't give a shit about people" etc

Both types are exhausting, both are unattractive personality wise because the fact is they put their ego stroking and public persona (mr lovely bloke) ahead of their partner.

And as per PP's comment I quoted above, it's funny how these guys never go out of their way to help the awkward guy in the office who is shy.

This is 100% on him. He didn't need to respond. He actively chose to do so directly. He knew it would make you feel anxious. He just didn't care enough not to do it because he'd rather do it (while risking not getting away with it) than not to do it.

Think about what that means. It means he chooses HIS EGO over you. Not even. Her over you. This isn't about her, remember that and don't get tempted to start a narrative where he's an innocent lovely guy and she has preyed on him. She posted to everyone. He chose to respond.

He doesnt sound like someone strong enough to be in a relationship with.

My ex was like this. His long term ex (who of course was "mad" but I now realise wasn't at all - he is the common denominator) knocked on his door in the wee small hours upset about a break up and ended up sleeping in our bed when I was away. I didn't buy into this clearly bullshit story and he did the whole "what was I meant to do, ask a girl crying to sleep on the floor instead of giving her a hug while she fell asleep? So you'd rather I was a wanker who didn't give a shit?!"

No, I'd rather you prioritise our relationship over you getting to be inappropriate under the mask of 'mr lovely'. God it's tiring.

Just leave, for your sake.

A simple "thanks very much, I m really grateful" would have sufficed. Is never respond as she did to a man in a relationship...and I wouldn't to a single man, unless I fancied them.

From what you've said, the attraction is mutual...he can't stop following her on social media and he just happens to be the one person she trusts.

Somehow, I doubt he would have the willpower to push her off, if she made a physical move on him.

You don't seem to realise he can easily delete his responses to her messages...so no response from him doesn't mean a thing.

You seem okay, as long as it's not a physical affair though.

Two times he has been spoken to about it at work, yet he can't pull away from her....he's addicted to it all. He had to be the one person who came to her rescue with the car issue....yeah right.

People have seen things to start talking... I think it's based on something and he's just angry that ppl don't leave them to it.

The sticking out of the tongue shows way too much familiarity between them.

Does he not realise how it looks even if its not true?

It’s quite simple...

He has prioritised contact with this woman over and above you, your feelings and his work.

OP, I think you need to decide if you can accept being with someone you need to continually check up on, or leave him as it’s clear you don’t trust him (but also don’t want to fully admit that and keep on making excuses for him)... It must be exhausting tbh.

He is still prioritizing her.

The private messaging about the car is the same dynamic displayed when they met in the private room with no lights to discuss her issues. Damsel/Rescuer. Emotional Closeness.

Ego Massaging.

Her “Amazing...Love you!” is appallingly inappropriate. Will he again downplay to make you back off? His boundaries are weak and he is determined to put her first, completely disregarding both your distress and office consequences.

He obviously has a soft spot for her, so much so. he's happy for people to continue to gossip about them at work. He'll happily meet with her in empty rooms to spend time talking to her. and doesn't seem bothered that he's fanning the fire. If he didn't feel this way about her, he'd simply stop.

He's starting to look a little like a teenager with a crush, using any excuse to talk to her, 'she has problems', the only person who understands her is him she needs 'mans help' to look for a car, he'll help her.

To me, this is teetering on the edge if an emotional affair.

One question OP, what do you think he'd do if you asked him to cut all contact with her as his relationship with her is making you uncomfortable?