Is it ok for a lover to ask repeatedly for sex acts he knows you don't want?

(336 Posts)
Interestedwoman Mon 20-Jan-20 00:38:01

I'm not going into grizzly details in this original post as I'm on Relationships rather than Sex board, but will give more detail in the thread if people request it.

My lover/FWB says there's nothing wrong with him asking for what he wants, even though I've told him I'm not into X, Y and Z.

I did do these things early on (a lot of people are wilder at the start of something I think) but gradually decided they weren't for me- or there are some things I've never liked, which I've made clear from the start.

I have bipolar and was in a ridiculously horny phase when we started seeing each other. I also have more insecurities about my body at the moment as I put on a bit of weight.

Another thing he's said is that most women enjoy X, (which he loves and I don't really like) and says maybe I should have therapy so I can enjoy it, as I could be missing out.

Interested in your opinions smile

OP’s posts: |
MsPavlichenko Mon 20-Jan-20 00:43:16

No. It is abusive.

TheHagOnTheHill Mon 20-Jan-20 00:44:00

It doesn't matter what other women like you don't.Youve tried it and don't want to do it again.
There's nothing wrong with you saying No,but him keeping on asking in the hope that he'll wear you down is not on.

AnneLovesGilbert Mon 20-Jan-20 00:44:33

Who gives a toss what these mythical other women like?

He’s trying to bully you into doing things he knows you don’t enjoy and have already said no to.

He’s bad news, probably for both your mental and physical health.

PiafPilaf Mon 20-Jan-20 00:45:15

No. Get rid.

Nifflernancy Mon 20-Jan-20 00:46:22

NO. you only do what you’re comfortable and happy with and nothing else. He’s a horrible and manipulative person.

SpinDoctor Mon 20-Jan-20 00:46:43

In my case, there is a specific sex act I won't do because of being the victim of a sex crime. I am upfront about this, because I still have PTSD from it.

If a man kept insisting, I would see it as an abuse and as an attempt to make me unwell. As you have bipolar, your mental health must come first.

Nomorewine77 Mon 20-Jan-20 00:47:50

No absolutely not, if you aren't comfortable with something then No you don't do it.
Sounds a bit to coercive to me, know your own boundaries and stick to them. Any decent, good man regardless of relationship status will know this, please don't feel pressured into doing something you aren't happy with.

Honeyroar Mon 20-Jan-20 00:48:47

To say he’s meant to be your friend as well as a lover he certainly doesn’t sound like it. You sound like a sex toy to him. Time to stop, I say..

Bluerussian Mon 20-Jan-20 00:49:10

He is an abuser and a prat! There are plenty of things people don't like doing and nobody should be ashamed of not doing them. He is trying to shame you - just don't put up with it.

Out there is a really nice chap with whom you will be compatible.

NumbersStation Mon 20-Jan-20 00:49:24


You’ve said you don’t want to do x, y or z.

That should be the end of it.

I had one like that. It just put me off everything - not just what I didn’t want to do. But put me right off Him in particular.

BumbleBeee69 Mon 20-Jan-20 00:49:30

NO... regardless of the reason.. No means fucking NO...

SetTheScene Mon 20-Jan-20 00:49:41

Is it ok for a lover to ask repeatedly for sex acts he knows you don't want?

No, no its not.

I met someone who tried the "well, my ex used to do it!" "Well I met a girl before you had she loved it!"

Go back to them then. Fuck off!

Interestedwoman Mon 20-Jan-20 00:52:35

@Nomorewine77 he hasn't really succeeded in getting me to revisit/do the things. He just often asks.

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SetTheScene Mon 20-Jan-20 00:56:37

says maybe I should have therapy so I can enjoy it, as I could be missing out

Also, just to point out. This is mental abuse. He's trying to coerce you into something you don't want to do by trying to get you to believe you are mentally unstable and require therapy. This is gas lighting. And coersing someone into sex is essentially rape. You don't want it, have voiced verbally to him you don't want it, yet he is using manipulative techniques to get you to do it anyway by making you think you aren't right in the head unless you do, do it.

He is a POS cretin and does not deserve any more of your time, and most importantly- your body!

BumbleBeee69 Mon 20-Jan-20 01:01:33

Stay strong OP.. defend your right to say No and walk away flowers

YourWinter Mon 20-Jan-20 01:03:57

No means no. You don't want to, he needs to stop saying you should. This ends relationships.

Apileofballyhoo Mon 20-Jan-20 01:08:13

Dump him.

AutumnRose1 Mon 20-Jan-20 01:09:19

no. And suggesting therapy is batshit.

you're entitled to like and dislike as you choose.

he sounds dangerous. Get rid.

Interestedwoman Mon 20-Jan-20 01:13:51

@SetTheScene I am a little bit mentally unstable lol, and am always in therapy as I love it. smile But other things are higher up my list of self-development goals than trying to like a sex act I don't like. smile

To be fair I do have a bit of an irrational fear of act X, for no reason at all. But it's not something I feel the need to change as I've gone 43 years without particularly liking it, and have got my rocks off quite happily in that time by means I enjoy and can relax doing.. smile

He is a therapist (not mine!) so if he says 'maybe you should have therapy to try and like X' it perhaps doesn't have quite the same connotations as if the average bloke says it? What do you think?

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Interestedwoman Mon 20-Jan-20 01:14:46

He isn't offering to therapize me about it himself btw lol

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alexdgr8 Mon 20-Jan-20 01:15:42

I think you are selling yourself short to be involved in this kind of scenario.
human sexual relationships are not like finding a tennis partner.
they are designed to help bond human relationships, family ties and responsibilities.
they should be founded on mutual respect, affection, patience, compassion and regard. you are engaging in de-humanising behaviour to engage in sexual congress just as a mechanistic activity.
please step away from the situation, and be open to learning to love and be loved by someone who can appreciate you and help enhance your life, and you his/hers. all the best.

OvenGlovesWillTearUsApart Mon 20-Jan-20 01:16:10

Ugh, he’s really nasty. Please dump him.

You deserve someone who will treat you with respect.

AutumnRose1 Mon 20-Jan-20 01:18:58

he could go to therapy himself to unlike the things you don't like.

but that would be is asking you to go to therapy.

Do you know a song called "Motion Sickness" by Phoebe Bridges?

might be worth looking up the lyrics, it came to mind immediately reading your post. Please get out flowers

Interestedwoman Mon 20-Jan-20 01:20:19

@alexdgr8 'Your post sounds quite moralistic to me.

'be open to learning to love and be loved by someone who can appreciate you and help enhance your life, and you his/hers.'

He is a good friend who I like to think appreciates me, and largely enhances my life.

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