Gossip might be clouding me

[Pollypocket89]

My DH was the subject of gossip a little while back at work. Him and a woman there accused of having an affair. It's not true but I don't think he's helping himself by still having a relationship with her bar civility. He's above her and doesn't need to interact with her but he'll still drop her name into conversation etc

To me and the RL friend I've discussed it with, out of respect for me and himself he wouldn't have anything to do with her. He doesn't see the issue but it's making me wo der if he doesn't see it because he doesn't want to

If it was silly office gossip, he wouldn’t feel the need to phone you immediately, IMO. He’d tell it as a funny story when he got home. And he wouldn’t feel the need to be pretend-angry. That smacks of covering his arse. And the other thing is mentionitis, which is what we all do when we fancy someone.

Of course, this is speculation, but I would be suspicious.

My advice is to nip this in the bud. Tell him straight that he needs to think very carefully about what behaviour led to the gossip, that he needs rock-solid professional boundaries with colleagues, particularly young, pretty, female colleagues, and that you have a zero-tolerance position on infidelity.

@BarbedBloom - I doubt that the cupboard was stationary.

OP, if he has no need to associate with her at work, then it would be a good idea for him not to, out of respect to you and your marriage. Obviously he would need to be civil towards her.

What was the origin of the gossip?

We don't know. He said that they get on and people talk. I definitely believe there's no physical affair but surely his reputation matters more than talking to her or whatever. I also believe he doesn't think he's done anything but I do wonder what people have seen to make people talk

Is your husband still obsessively checking this colleague’s daily social media stories where she models her lingerie in near-naked photos? I recall that when you expressed your concern, he dismissed your feelings and refused to stop.

I have been in a situation where a colleague and I, at the same sort of level, and had no need to associate other than we got on, and we started becoming lunch buddies. It must have looked like there was something was going on. I stopped associating with him abruptly, not because I wanted to, he was good company, but he was married with young offspring. It was inappropriate.

I felt bad about just stopping contact - to outsiders it probably looked like we'd 'split up', but hey it wasn't right.

If you can, try to see how they interact. Maybe you could attend a social event or something,or drop in at the office.

I appreciate the thought but I won't be doing anything weird like going to his work, that's not me

Not sure OP.
In the situation where there is nothing going on and some stupid rumour had spread - I’d not feel like I need to defend myself, so I won’t change my behaviour.
I’d tell the other person and we’d laugh about it.

He definitely didn't laugh, he was quite upset and he said so was she

MsDogLady, as far as I'm aware he still follows her

OP - if he changes his behaviour and stop socialising with the woman - it will look like he is guilty.
And people might think that now he is better at hiding.
Staying the course is the best thing he can do to signal that he is innocent and has nothing to hide.

IF it's just gossip and it was me, I wouldn't avoid the other person, because then the gossipers have 'won'. I would continue being friends with them. I would hope that my husband would trust me enough not to listen to idle gossip. So OP, in answer to your question, I don't think he should avoid her, if he's as innocent as you believe him to be, then he's doing nothing wrong at all. On a professional level or a personal level, as long as the friendship doesn't cross any professional boundaries it wouldn't change my answer. Only you know what your gut feeling REALLY is in this case, and I hope you're right.

I didn't necessarily say I think it's innocent. I absolutely believe it's not physical. I don't think he acknowledges to himself potentially that he might care more than he would admit to either of us

I remember that thread.
It doesn't look good OP.

Whatever's going off he's enjoying the attention/ ego boost - and DOESN'T want ti give it up.

People who say their DH doesn’t have time for an affair due to being at home and work are sometimes kidding themselves.

I’ve heard of people shagging on their lunch break, working through lunch breaks to have a free Friday afternoon, having a free Friday afternoon (management), inventing work trips away, having a quickie and saying traffic is busy/transport is delayed, taking days off without their partners knowledge, going in work early, inventing weekend activities etc.

Sweetheart all the signs were there in the last thread and its escalated now to the point where whatever you didnt like about the social media lusting has been noticed By objective third parties and disliked at work too. Thats way more dangerous because presumably noone at work Could be tomantically paranoid about him and they can’t see him watching her insta. So something has become uncomfortable or sensationalist enough in real life for people to talk with credibility and disgust (“gossip”) at work.
For what its worth, lots of men go mildly gaga near pretty women at work - bit doeeyed etc- and people notice- without rumour of an affair. Crushy stuff is seen for what it is- a (sometimes creepy) soft spot for prettiness and a man making a bit of a tit of himself.
“Affair” gossip is way way worse. It means whatever he does Around her, no other man does- and she is seen to enjoy it/there are secretive or unexplained things that an affair would make sense of.
He may be a bit crushy on her and oblivious to what it will do to the respect of his coworkers: risks of a sexual harrassment claim- or he may be reciprocated- you can only get inklings of his feelings, not hers- but he needs to give his head a Massive wobble in the former and you yours in the latter.
If this was my husband I’d ask him if she was the hill he wanted to die on at work and at home.
Rumours are often wrong but there’s normally something there- inappropriate behaviour or (rarely) a spiteful colleague who has it in for your husband. Either way, ignoring them and hoping it will go away because it is hurtful or inconvenient to change, is very naive.

A senior manager in my workplace was sacked for having an affair with a junior colleague. He was not her direct boss, but our contracts state we must inform HR about any romantic relationship so they can ensure no advantage re positions, workload etc.
Obviously he didn't inform HR as he was married with small kids. When they found out they sacked him.
Not her as she is not in a position to give anyone an advantage and apart from reputational damage it hasn't affected her.

I'm sorry OP but I think @ladamanera makes some really good points in the post above. Good luck to you.

@Ihaveamind that’s horrible hope his wife threw him out on his ear what a scumbag.

OP I think you need to be very watchful

If he doesn’t need to interact with her as part of his job, what was picked up to make them the focus of office gossip? Obviously he is interacting with her (when he doesn’t need to) at work to a level that suspicions have been raised by other people. Add to that his interest in her SM postings from your other thread which he wasn’t bothered about his own wife being upset about, then I’m afraid on the off chance nothing has happened yet, he probably wants it to.

Plenty of opportunity to conduct an affair in office hours as PP have said. I’d be starting to gather evidence in the form of a car tracking device and a voice recorder. Even laying in wait outside the office at lunchtimes but that’s me. I’d want to dispel the rumours for my own peace of mind.

At the very least he’s not considering your feelings about his relationship with this woman which is very worrying and reflects that he is putting his need to ‘interact’ with this woman above you.

There's no smoke without fire as the saying goes, and this is a bit of an escalation on checking her bikini shot social media (which is gross and disrespectful to you).
Regardless of whether they've had an EA or a PA yet, he should be staying away out of respect for you, not just to protect his reputation. If it bothers you (and it should), why won't he do this? I'd be asking that straight out. And if his answer is 'There's no need to' he's lying. Because it's not on to perve on your work colleaģie then spend so much time with them that ppl talk. And you know this.

I stand by my previous opinion on your other thread. Your H is prioritizing this woman over your feelings and boundaries.

She posts up to 10 stories a day, showing her life and her body in revealing underwear. Your H actively clicks on every story/photo/video. She knows that he watches. He dismisses your discomfort with this.

Although their flirtations and closeness have been extreme enough to suggest an affair to coworkers, he has refused to distance himself from her. He dismisses your discomfort with this.

His blatant disrespect has apparently been going on for quite a while. How much longer are you going to tolerate it?

To answer your op.
Yes in respect you and himself he would have nothing to do with her - including , and especially her social media.

Weather this is physical or not he's married and has crossed respectful boundaries - that's not very nice.

He's not being very nice.

I was undecided to post or not but then something happened today that I thought was odd

We were in the car and in traffic and we saw the woman coming the opposite way past us. We'll, he saw her. I only know as I saw him turn and stick his tongue out at someone and asked what he was doing

He told me it was her and he always does it if he sees her and it was no big deal... Would you think it was?

Nope, poking a tongue out is just messing around. He told you it was her, I don't see a problem