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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Gossip might be clouding me

303 replies

Pollypocket89 · 12/02/2020 19:12

My DH was the subject of gossip a little while back at work. Him and a woman there accused of having an affair. It's not true but I don't think he's helping himself by still having a relationship with her bar civility. He's above her and doesn't need to interact with her but he'll still drop her name into conversation etc

To me and the RL friend I've discussed it with, out of respect for me and himself he wouldn't have anything to do with her. He doesn't see the issue but it's making me wo der if he doesn't see it because he doesn't want to

OP posts:
Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 16/05/2020 08:53

It's not a reference as such, it's for a course

OP posts:
Ughmaybenot · 16/05/2020 10:16

He’s mugging you off, and you’re letting him.
I’ve just read through this whole thread, and I remember your previous thread, and come to the conclusion that you’re being wilfully ignorant here. I understand that to a degree because he’s trashing everything you’ve built together by carrying on this affair (and it is an affair, at the very least an emotional affair and imo likely a physical affair) and to add insult to injury, he’s doing it right under your nose and not caring on jot that you’re upset by it. He’s making an absolute mockery of you and he doesn’t even care about you enough to hide it. I feel sad for you, on many levels, but not least because you are willing to look the other way while he does this, just to ‘keep’ him. But think of it this way, is it really ‘keeping’ him if he’s got her on his mind all the time, if he’s always looking at photos and videos of her, if he’s always messaging her? It’s a bit of a half life for you, you get whatever scraps he chooses to throw your way.
I’m sorry OP.

TARSCOUT · 16/05/2020 10:44

I have read most of this thread but not your other one. I have no opinion on what he is or isn't up to, however if my DP was accused of having an affair he would have absolutely zero contact with the OW either by his own accord or by me asking him not to. I hope it would be his decision. Yes you shouldn't tell people what to think but if its hurting you you bloody well can. You need to have some respect for yourself and get this nipped in the bud. What would you do if the situation was reversed?.Go with that thought.
.

TARSCOUT · 16/05/2020 10:46

Reading back that sounded harsher than it was.meant to. You are in a horrible place but look after you!Flowers

MizMoonshine · 16/05/2020 11:59

I know you've said you don't want to give him an ultimatum but honestly I think you need to.

There's no reason for him to be in contact with this woman, you've told him you're uncomfortable and yet here he is just doing as he pleases and hurting you in the process.

Asking him to change something for the benefit of your relationship is better than the alternative of you changing (checking his phone etc) to the detriment of it.

He's being an absolute cunt to you. He's being lovely to her, but a cunt to you. His wife.

Tell him it's you or her. And mean it. This is no way to live, OP.

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 16/05/2020 14:46

I think I feel so torn because if they do just get on then all he's done is give her some advise about cars and agree to write a recommendation for a course... Both of which I'd do for a friend

OP posts:
Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 16/05/2020 14:47

@TARSCOUT - however if my DP was accused of having an affair he would have absolutely zero contact with the OW either by his own accord

That's what I want...

OP posts:
Neepers · 16/05/2020 15:50

You have wanted this for at least 5 months. Are you not near the end of your own tether by now?

TARSCOUT · 16/05/2020 16:02

@pollypocket89 have you told him you need him to stop all contact? No softly softly approach, let him make the decision to do it, bluntly just told him how much it's hurting you?

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 16/05/2020 17:25

I've said what you said sort of, that if I was accused of having an affair with someone I'd just stay away from them. He's indignant that they just get on and why should he be anything other than how he'd treat his other friends

OP posts:
crochetandshit · 16/05/2020 17:39

He's indignant that they just get on and why should he be anything other than how he'd treat his other friends

Because he's in danger of losing his job, and his wife?
Well not his wife obviously, because honestly op, I don't think you'd say anything if you saw them kissing right in front of you.

This must be awful for you, and I'm sorry, but he is walking all over you and has been for months on end. He doesn't care that his behaviour upsets you, he doesn't care that his workmates are gossiping, he doesn't care that he has been officially reprimanded at work and it doesn't seem that you care too much either.

SandyY2K · 16/05/2020 17:52

I'd be very tempted to find a male colleague I got on with so well just to show him what it's like.

TARSCOUT · 16/05/2020 19:13

I'm sorry I simply would tell him to choose. I get you want your marriage to work but until you decide what you are or aren't putting up with then it will continue in this vein. Time for an ultimatum I would say. You still have a slim chance of getting your life back on track with him if that's what you want. The only thing is you need to follow through. Her or you. As soon as you keep bowing to what he wants you lose. I'm sorry OP this is just so sad but do you want to do this for another 2/5/20 years. If you do that's absolutely fine so long as it's what you want.

SeriouslyRetro · 16/05/2020 19:30

I’ve often found certain men will Fall over themselves to be helpful and pleasant for a woman they want to sleep with.

All you care about is that you don’t factually know his penis has been in her vagina.

Not that he’s clearly desiring her.
The trouble is he’s so proud of himself for resisting that he’s really heading towards the infatuation phase.

How does it feel knowing that if you walked out and left him, he’d be at her door all over her?

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 16/05/2020 19:48

I think I struggle with that not aligning with what I experience with him at home with him and dc. If it IS that they do get on, and it's just what I've seen, I don't want to throw my family away

OP posts:
Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 16/05/2020 19:49

They've also known each other a couple of years so I don't know why infatuation would only happen now if that's the case

(meant to be one post, pressed too soon)

OP posts:
TARSCOUT · 16/05/2020 19:53

The thing is that it is affecting your home life. No one but you can decide if you are able to continue in this way or not. We aren't living this situation. You just need to decide and live with your decisions.

willsa · 16/05/2020 20:07

Jeez, let him shag then!!
.. As long as he's nice at home. You sound just the type to accept that deal.

Bluntness100 · 16/05/2020 20:13

I don’t know about this.

If I was good friends with someone who I worked with, which I am, and I work in a male dominated company and I was accused of having an affair, I’d tell the other person, we’d likely laugh about it but be annoyed and I’d be angry or disgusted with the small minded person who made the accusation.

I’d not drop my friend though, to me that would be an immediate sign of guilt.

So if you trust he’s not shagging her, then I can’t see why he has to end a work friendship because some twat made an accusation. I certainly wouldn’t do so. As your husband says, why the hell should I?

If you were accused of having an affair with someone at work you were friends with op, or a parent at school or whatever, would you end the friendship immediately if you were accused? And if you would, why would you?

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 16/05/2020 20:20

That's why I'm so stuck, Bluntness. That's exactly how I feel... But part of me also hates it

OP posts:
Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 16/05/2020 20:24

It was multiple people too apparently making that accusation

OP posts:
wasnotwasweregood · 16/05/2020 20:40

To be honest if I were that friendly with a bloke from work that people had questioned if we were together I imagine my other half would be fine about it because I would've introduced him to my husband and welcomed him into our life as a friend to our family as a whole.

LJenn · 16/05/2020 21:00

Yes, although there IS something to be said for a "who gives a shit what they think" attitude...

BUT.. does he not have the BASIC, cop on to at least... NOT meet up in a dark room to talk alone, EVEN AFTER they were cautioned by colleagues!?? This is what I don't get. I do apologise for what I'm about to say OP.. he's a complete idiot. Just careless, selfish behaviour.
I don't mean that to sound harsh to you❤️.

Whether it's a friendship, affair, physical, emotional etc it DOESN'T matter. You've expressed your discomfort and he still isn't taking heed. If I were friends with a male colleague for years, and his wife/partner was uncomfortable or we had been CAUTIONED at work.. we .. as ADULTS would have the sense to create some distance. It's not that hard.

Beefcurtains79 · 17/05/2020 11:11

Are you a bit scared of him? I only ask as you point blank refuse to confront him over this.
Since you don’t want to confront him (for whatever reason) Could you possibly make him confront you? I’m not one for sulking usually but could you go quiet and distant on him? He will have to eventually ask you what’s wrong and you could truthfully say that this friendship is upsetting you deeply, - and it’s started to taint your thoughts and feelings about your marriage and you are feeling really sad and upset about it all.

Any decent partner will be horrified they had made their spouse feel this way, and would of course offer to cease/totally cool off the friendship immediately.
If he doesn’t do this, and tries to again convince you that there’s no problem even though he knows it’s affecting your mental health and the marriage......well, I think you have your answer. 😔

LJenn · 17/05/2020 11:54

If I'm not mistaken, OP has already chatted to her husband about how uncomfortable it makes her and he brushed it off. Seems like he's prioritising his friendship with this woman & saving face in front of colleagues rather than his wife's feelings. Which is shit, not just on a commitment level but if you truly loved someone, wouldn't their feelings be the most important thing. As apposed to proving a point that there's "nothing going on".

He needs to make it crystal clear to his friend that he's happily married and perhaps they need to take a few steps back. She can get a recommendation for her actual manager.. unless there's a reason they won't give her one🧐🧐.

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