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Original poster

Gossip might be clouding me

303 replies

Pollypocket89 · 12/02/2020 19:12

My DH was the subject of gossip a little while back at work. Him and a woman there accused of having an affair. It's not true but I don't think he's helping himself by still having a relationship with her bar civility. He's above her and doesn't need to interact with her but he'll still drop her name into conversation etc

To me and the RL friend I've discussed it with, out of respect for me and himself he wouldn't have anything to do with her. He doesn't see the issue but it's making me wo der if he doesn't see it because he doesn't want to

OP posts:
Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 21/04/2020 12:09

BackseatCookers, don't worry. I know this is on him as like we both said, he didn't have to reply.

I asked him about it this morning and he wasn't defensive. I said who says love you especially in the context and he told me that was ridiculous, she'd meant it in a phew thanks way not that she actually loves him

OP posts:
LJenn · 21/04/2020 12:46

You're dead right OP for asking .. and just to counter what he said...

She could've just said thanks you're a star.... but whatever 🤷🏻‍♀️.

BackseatCookers · 21/04/2020 12:50

I asked him about it this morning and he wasn't defensive. I said who says love you especially in the context and he told me that was ridiculous, she'd meant it in a phew thanks way not that she actually loves him

I think it's quite likely she did just mean that.

But that doesn't have any bearing on the fact he chose to proactively contact her when he didn't need to, knowing that if you found out it would make you feel upset.

That's where I mean any discussions with him about her response are red herrings. He's done something he knew would upset you.

And on top of that he hasn't just admitted yes I knew it would upset you but I wanted to do it and thought you wouldn't find out.

Because that makes him sound like a dick. Which is what he's being.

LJenn · 21/04/2020 12:50

I'd understand totally where he's coming from.. under normal circumstances he'd be thinking "why are you making this a bigger deal than it has to be?"
HOWEVER...
All the while all this other stuff has gone on and he's brushing it under the mat like it's nothing and as if you're not uncomfortable with it. You're his WIFE., your feelings should be more important.

incognitomum · 21/04/2020 13:34

OP you must be exhausted.

Are you doing much to relax/distract you? You could end up poorly with the stress.

I'm not going to comment on your h as he's not worth it.

Lefkosia · 21/04/2020 15:25

Does it really matter that much if they've been physical or not? Clearly there is something between them and he won't cut her off even though you are uncomfortable with his behaviour.

Do you feel as though he is being respectful of you?

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 21/04/2020 16:10

But that doesn't have any bearing on the fact he chose to proactively contact her when he didn't need to, knowing that if you found out it would make you feel upset.
_

He said that he did it in private so that no one would see their conversation so only him and her would know and she's not going to tell anyone so it doesn't matter regarding gossip. It's an area he's really interested in and that's why he replied he said. He didn't have to though... :( especially now after a month not seeing her

OP posts:
copycopypaste · 21/04/2020 16:19

What would he do if you asked him to cut all contact as it made you feel uncomfortable?

BackseatCookers · 21/04/2020 16:23

He said that he did it in private so that no one would see their conversation so only him and her would know and she's not going to tell anyone so it doesn't matter regarding gossip.

And doesn't matter regarding you feeling shit?

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 21/04/2020 16:48

I wouldn't ever tell him to cut contact with anyone as that's not my choice to make. I've told him I don't feel comfortable with him talking to her when he doesn't need to and he said he just said 'goodo' back and it's not like he's saying anything wrong

OP posts:
BackseatCookers · 21/04/2020 19:15

I wouldn't ever tell him to cut contact with anyone as that's not my choice to make. I've told him I don't feel comfortable with him talking to her when he doesn't need to and he said he just said 'goodo' back and it's not like he's saying anything wrong

So you've told him what makes you uncomfortable and unhappy.

But he would rather do that thing than you (his partner) be comfortable and happy?

That's his prerogative. And yours.

But are you willing to live the rest of your life with someone who would rather do something that makes you unhappy, than not do something that makes you happy?

They aren't mates. You aren't being unreasonable. They've made this an issue. To the extend his workplace is taking about it (cringe).

But it's not enough for him to choose you. I agree you should never have to give someone an ultimatum because it means they aren't doing the thing that brings you peace and happiness without having their arm twisted.

Which is why if I'm ever again with someone who continues to do something despite knowing it makes me feel shit and them look pathetic I will leave rather than giving an ultimatum.

He's chosen already.

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 21/04/2020 20:20

But it's not enough for him to choose you. I agree you should never have to give someone an ultimatum because it means they aren't doing the thing that brings you peace and happiness without having their arm twisted.

_
That. I don't ever want to do that. I want him to realise what he's doing

_

I don't want to monitor him forever, no but I have looked at his phone. The conversation went back and forth with him telling her not to go where she was going to take the car and he'll have a look online for her and she didn't reply. He replied later that night saying he'd found a part that would sort it and she replied with the grateful love you thanks for your help and he replied saying goodo. On the surface it doesnt sound incriminating like that

OP posts:
Pannacottaformeplease · 21/04/2020 20:55

She could have easily expressed her thanks by saying "you're the best" or "you legend" or whatever. " Love you" is a bit much in my opinion. Also my guess is that she posted the cry for help re her car knowing that that was his area of interest and that he'd fall over himself to try to help her. Sounds like she's a real attention seeker especially with her putting pictures of herself online in her underwear etc.

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 21/04/2020 21:03

Its not my business whether she is or isn't as she's entitled to do whatever. To be fair to her, the lingerie pictures are promoting her business /products to get sales not to seek attention. However, she could post naked pictures for all I care, its on whoever looks

OP posts:
BunnytheHoneyBee · 21/04/2020 21:32

OP the car part thing alone isn’t that incriminating, I agree.

I would, however, question why he’s the one whose there for her in everything. Emotional support at work is weird. Helping her with her car out of work is too. Isn’t there a time else

But what you posted before (I’m reading this thread for the first time today):

  • They don’t work in the same team so don’t have reason to talk at work
  • He looks at pictures of her in her underwear
  • The are close enough that they text one another out of work, he’s the person she goes at work when she needs to talk and that he sticks his tongue out when he sees her (and otherwise isn’t playful)
  • everyone else thinks they’re having and affair
  • AND THEY WERE SPOKEN TO ABOUT BEING IN A DARK ROOM TOGETHER AT WORK

No one does that OP! Maybe they weren’t having sex but I bet they kissed.

If he isn’t having an affair with her then they’re going to. They clearly like one another a lot.

Soconfusedandlost · 21/04/2020 21:34

In defence of the "love you" comment, I say that to my closest male friends. I also say it to my female friends. And my dog. And my newsagent. For some, it's a phrase that rolls out too easily and it jars others. However I would feel comfortable defending it to others if questioned and would not be indulging in the other behaviours that are raising flags with people on here. It's the combination of language and actions that are the issue, not just the one phrase

Lefkosia · 21/04/2020 21:55

What do you actually want people to say OP?

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 15/05/2020 18:03

Argh I just need to rant. I know it's not sustainable but I've been looking at his phone when he's not around to see if they're messaging after what pp said about deleting

There's been nothing so I was relaxing until this morning when a text appeared from her asking him to write something up for a course she wants to go on and needs someone to vouch for her. He replied within seconds of course. He's not even her manager fgs

OP posts:
JonbonMoany · 15/05/2020 20:18

It's funny what a man will do for a woman he is sexually attracted too. Their horneyness makes them stupid. He is disrespecting you big time imo, you have to watch your husband converse with someone he obviously wants to pork for months.

Original poster
Pollypocket89 · 15/05/2020 21:04

It's even kind of asking him to lie sort of as he isn't her manager, so it seems like a weird ask

OP posts:
Pessismistic · 15/05/2020 21:23

Sorry OP he sounds like he has feelings for her whether he acts on them or not he is going out of his way for her keeping happy she might be using him knowing he's attracted to her hes ignoring how you feel ignoring rumours I know you don't think he is cheating but I know many married men & woman both cheating in work time sneaking off for meetings, lunch time etc. Never say never I hope he's not but you might want to be more vigilant and watch him everyone can delete messages get a 2nd phone to keep you in the dark.

OnceUponAMidnightBeery · 15/05/2020 23:24

OP, are you actually happy if he has feelings for her but doesn’t physically act on them?

Because even that, the best case in this scenario, would have me questioning my relationship. Add to that the disregard for your feelings when he knows it bothers you.

In my case, we split up over it. I felt second best and humiliated that he didn’t care how obvious it was that he had feelings for her. That was enough for me. Hope you find strength.

famousforwrongreason · 16/05/2020 02:32

Sticking his tongue out and 'always does it if he sees her' is so gross.
So creepy, so immature, so... Yuck.
Just really pathetic.

Beefcurtains79 · 16/05/2020 08:12

Won’t he get into trouble if HR find out he’s giving her a reference when it’s not his place? He’s already been warned a few times.

rowrowrowyaboat · 16/05/2020 08:45

No idea why anyone would want to live this kind of life with a man with zero respect. Id leave, regardless of affair or not, this is so depressing to read, never mind live. OP, please find some self worth and see that you deserve better than this Thanks