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Original poster

Just for laughs, what's the most ridiculous comment your ex has thrown at you during divorce?

224 replies

Cherrypop99 · 11/02/2020 16:14

Having watched "Marriage Story" last night, I had to chuckle as it seems that during a divorce, two people (who were once in love) seemingly always end up ripping each other to shreds!

I received a foul letter from my ex via my lawyer yesterday with wording that read : "As you are aware your client has a well-documented history of abuse, physical assault and harassment. As a result of her behaviour, your client has been advised by the police to cease all contact with me." No idea where this came from, but I cried with laughter!!

Oh.... the games we all play hey?!!! Anyone else got any funny divorce stories to tell?

Light hearted thread

OP posts:
Thinkingaboutsummer2020 · 13/02/2020 06:45

@sashh what did he think adultery means? 😂

sashh · 13/02/2020 06:53

@Thinking*

Oh he knew what it meant, he just didn't want the OW's name used.

Her also tried to get me to pay maintenance for the said child. He earned much more than me, and the child, obviously, wasn't anything to do with me.

Dhalandchips · 13/02/2020 07:18

@Khione my ex too blamed cosmo for pointing out that domestic violence is a bad thing!

needadvicethankyouplease · 13/02/2020 07:23

This is my second divorce and both times it's not my fault!

frazzledasarock · 13/02/2020 07:29

Omg @sashh how on earth did he try to get you to pay maintenance for his child?

Can’t imagine CMS having any truck with it! 🤣

Ex denied everything as well, he insisted in court he wasn’t violent, the police were biased against him that’s why he’d been put on bail, the school was biased against him that’s why the head and SENCO had written letters stating my dc’s anxiety displayed at school, and he most certainly did not have non mol against him, the one on file in the court bundle was... well he had no reply to what it was and his barrister was extremely embarrassed as for some reason she’d just parroted what he said instead of going thro the bundle herself.

I was also apparently going to be out on the streets with dc in tow presumably he was going to make sure of it.

I hope he burns in hell.

Calyx72 · 13/02/2020 07:34

Alcoholic, weed smoking, drug taking ex. I had given the don't come in pissed ultimatum. "It wasn't drink it was speed and E"

Also "I wasted the best years of my life on you", "you never took me abroad" (I never had a passport and he had been everywhere before we met),

The one that keeps making me laugh "have fun eating microwave meals every day" he was a chef. Since he left I really enjoy cooking Grin

Bathsheba1878 · 13/02/2020 09:12

I made mine leave when I discovered his affair. He went immediately to live 40 miles away with the OW and her 8 year old daughter (whom as far as I know he'd never met before) but didn't want me to know this as he was still vigorously denying that there was an OW. So instead he pretended to be living 'nearby' but refused to disclose an address on the pretext that I might visit him and cause trouble. He was a professional man of nearly 50 with a highly responsible job - it was such a shockingly pathetic lie it actually made it easier to get over the heartbreak.
Later on, after I pointed out that I knew exactly where he was living (and with whom), he suggested that he (and presumably OW) should live in our former family home for half of each week as it would make access to our son easier. Not sure where I was meant to go during that time - possibly he envisaged the 3 of us sharing a bed.

After I politely declined that suggestion he set to work to make out I was an unfit mother. One morning when I was driving our 7 year old son to the childminder I accidentally dialled ex's number without realising. Ex could hear radio music in the background and me chatting to son. He e-mailed me later in the day to say that I must have taken our son to all nighter in a club as that was what he could hear in the phone call. I was in my late forties, and probably hadn't been to a nightclub for about 15 years. Not sure how many clubs welcome 7 year olds either.

JosephineDeBeauharnais · 13/02/2020 09:18

These stories are hilarious and terrifying in equal measure

motheringmayham · 13/02/2020 09:18

My ex left me and made in redundant in our business while I was pregnant. (He gave my job to OW in our jointly owned business) He then took 15 weeks holidays last year.

I just recently had the opportunity to have my first holiday. And now he's looking for child maintenance from me as he had to mind them "full time" and "the judge didn't take into consideration your holidays when setting maintenance "😂 😂 😂

He's marrying OW this year and I'm glad it's not me

MurrayTheMonk · 13/02/2020 10:06

' I dont think you will ever be happy (without me'
Weirdly I seem to be doing ok...

On me questioning him on his behaviour after it emerged he had been having an affair with my best friend for the past 18 months and they had both been gaslighting me and everyone around us for the whole time in various horrible ways: ' admittedly I haven't always behaved well...'
Understatement of the year...Grin

Ladyratterley · 13/02/2020 10:47

We weren't married but I had a messy break up when I was 30. He denied he was shagging someone else and gaslighted me so badly that I ended up suffering from General Anxiety Disorder.
When I finally found out the truth (by checking his phone) and we split up he told me I should count myself lucky as I'd "dodged a bullet". It was probably the only truthful thing he'd ever said to me!

Thedeadwood · 13/02/2020 11:06

@SeaEagleFeather yes, we did get the police involved. Strangely enough, it's not a good idea to start threatening to kill solicitors ;)

One of the other moments of delusion was he seemed obsessed with the fact that I had only been married to him to "get his money" and deliberately divorced him when I did to get as much as I could.

Apart from the fact that he wasn't particularly rich at any point, by the time I divorced him, he'd been out of work for 2 years due to his alcoholism and I had been single handedly paying every single bill and keeping us afloat (having always paid way more than my share for the decade leading up to that point). To add further insult to injury, during the divorce it then also turned out he'd stolen my savings and taken out further debt in my name. So the ranting about only being with him for his money was pretty bizarre.

SeaEagleFeather · 13/02/2020 13:21

oh wow. My ex is a well of self-delusion but that's incredible

YgritteSnow · 13/02/2020 16:13

My ex cheated with anyone who would have him. He was an aggressive and financially and verbally abusive alcoholic. I would return from a weekend at my parents to find our stripped of valuables so he could pawn them and buy alcohol. I had a full breakdown in the end which it took nearly a year to recover from. I finally found the courage to leave him after he attacked me in front of my children, one of him tried to pull him off me - my child was 5.

"You've destroyed a family Ygritte, I was getting ready to change but you just couldn't be bothered to put the effort in and wait a bit longer"

To my ds:-

"Don't worry I am not going anywhere. Your Mum is man mad and will move anyone who will have her in and he will kick the shit out of you and she will let him because she has to have a man".

I've now been single for 11 years. My children have never met a man I have been romantically involved with. He on the other hand has had multiple girlfriends.

He has blackened my character to all mutual family and friends, told them I threw him out because I was having an affair and most of them believed him and hate me now. I don't care. No price was too high to get rid of him.

Bubblemonkey · 13/02/2020 17:37

The cheek on some of the pricks Shock

user1479305498 · 13/02/2020 19:49

Blimey, some real charmers on here— it’s a shame there’s not a ‘tripadvisor’ kind of site for partners, so you know all this weird shit well in advance

Graphista · 13/02/2020 21:44

@user1479305498 my ex's ow was a mutual friend, she'd been told all his faults but either didn't believe me or thought she could cure him. They're now married with 5 dc...

...he's just as lazy, entitled and useless as he was when I had him!

Karma..:gotta love it!

Excitedaboutanamechange · 13/02/2020 21:57

Not what an ex boyfriend said but did....
He apparently had split up some time before with his long term ex girlfriend and there were still some of her things lying about his flat - toiletries etc (nothing major). So I break up with him after a few months if dating and a few days later I come home to a bin bag of stuff on my doorstep...its full of the long term ex's toiletries and things and nothing of mine! (Didnt live with him and never left anything apart from a toothbrush).

He lived about an hour and a half drive away so he drove all the way to drop it off and then messaged to ask me if I had seen it and tried to pass it off that he was in the area for work!

A few years later I got a random message saying he was in the area for work and had stopped by and had seen me outside my house.....whilst I was in my new house in a totally different area! Red flags all over that

Ibizafun · 13/02/2020 22:34

He told me he was suing for custody.. he hardly knew them let alone wanted anything to do with them!

mybrilliantmind · 13/02/2020 22:47

Husband #1 'I know you'd have me back' Erm...nope!
Husband #2 'You stopped putting kisses on your texts' FFS

caringcarer · 14/02/2020 00:31

My ex had affair and I threw him out. We had over the years gained a lot of joint friends. My ex screamed at me "you have stolen all of my friends away from me', I replied no sweety, you are too dumb to realise even your best friend is disgusted with you. My ex got mad when friends stopped inviting him but still invited me. Years later I retain many friends I only met through ex whereas he has lost contact with them.

caringcarer · 14/02/2020 01:01

Just remembered.my ex took me off AA recovery but did not tell me. I found out when I broke down. I had paid for AA with my card as he was broke at the time. When I rang him to find out what he was playing at he said I will come and collect D's 8 but I am not helping you. Then he got angry with me because he came to collect D's and after he got there dd refused to go in car and leave me. He screamed at me you broke down on purpose to turn ds against him. Speechless at that one. I actually laughed.

caringcarer · 14/02/2020 01:24

My ex offered me 80 20 split in his favour when I suggested 50 50 after he had affair. My solicitor laughed at him. In the end I got 60 per cent of house and 50 percent of business. He told judge I did not deserve any of business as I only did a few easy jobs and really he did all the work. The judge asked him what I did for business. He said I did ordering stock, pricing up jobs and quotes for customers, making up wages for 2 staff with nic and tax, VAT and accounts for self assessment. He actually said to judge you know the easy stuff. The judge raised an eyebrow and asked what he did. He said with very straight face, all of the work. Judge awarded me half and told him in light of his response she had considered awarding me more but as I had asked for half that is what I would get. I told him he would have to do paperwork himself after divorce. His reply you can't quit because judge gave you half of my business so you have got to keep doing it, anyway I can't do that stuff. I ended up getting 60 percent of his pension too.

ZestyMaximus · 14/02/2020 09:16

Abusive ex told that no one as good looking as him would ever want a relationship with me. I pointed out that I'd already had a relationship with a mutual friend, who was undeniably better looking. The memory of the silence that followed still makes me smile.

ZestyMaximus · 14/02/2020 09:17

*told me