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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Just for laughs, what's the most ridiculous comment your ex has thrown at you during divorce?

224 replies

Cherrypop99 · 11/02/2020 16:14

Having watched "Marriage Story" last night, I had to chuckle as it seems that during a divorce, two people (who were once in love) seemingly always end up ripping each other to shreds!

I received a foul letter from my ex via my lawyer yesterday with wording that read : "As you are aware your client has a well-documented history of abuse, physical assault and harassment. As a result of her behaviour, your client has been advised by the police to cease all contact with me." No idea where this came from, but I cried with laughter!!

Oh.... the games we all play hey?!!! Anyone else got any funny divorce stories to tell?

Light hearted thread

OP posts:
AlexaAmbidextra · 12/02/2020 10:25

‘I’ll divorce you for adultery. I’ll drag your name through the mud. I’ll ruin you so that no-one will have anything to do with you’. All this while I was on my own and he was shacked up with someone else. 😂

Colbinabbin · 12/02/2020 10:40

'You are boring, our marriage is boring, we don't have enough sex, I'm entitled to my fun'

Thanks XH. I pointed out that he now had all the free time in the world to have his 'fun' with prostitutes, drink incessantly and snort speed.

turnedabout · 12/02/2020 10:47

Thank you @AmelieTaylor

5LeafClover · 12/02/2020 10:48

My newly divorced friend had filled my head with nonsense and this gave me an unfair advantage (?) which I should even up by getting her ex husband's details for him to contact!

SwishSwishSheesh · 12/02/2020 10:58

My STBXH told me he'd only sign the divorce papers if I file for divorce (since he doesn't have any income) on the grounds of my OWN adultery. Because I started seeing someone one year after I left him. He said he wants me to do that so that in the future he can prove to our daughter it was my fault we split up. Nothing to do with the fact that he was (still is) an abusive lazy alcoholic...

debbs77 · 12/02/2020 11:12

This is quite outing but my ex husband reported me to the police for racism. Because he had converted to Islam, and was forcing our young children to too......I wasn't having any of this as our children have been brought up non religious (a joint choice we made when they were born). The police turned up, and gave me the crime reference number to use against him in court.

He also reported me to social services because I had sent my children to school with butter sandwiches. (I'd offered every type of filling possible....they wanted butter....so I gave them butter!)

GeraltOfRivia · 12/02/2020 11:22

My friends ex put on the divorce papers that one reason he wanted out was that she would t sit and watch repeats of The Bill with him.

UseBy2020 · 12/02/2020 11:47

So many common themes!

I had exH wanting me to wait for two years before applying for divorce so we could do it on grounds of separation, rather than his unreasonable behaviour. As with several PPs, his problem was with me talking publicly about his alcoholism, irresponsibility and moodiness without being able to accept that the behaviour itself was the real issue.

AlternativePerspective · 12/02/2020 11:58

Friend’s ex (they were part of a church). “You wait until I tell the elders about you. You’ll be made to stand up in front of the whole congregation and tell everyone what you’ve done.”

sugarbum · 12/02/2020 12:08

My friends ex has stated that she is deliberately attempting to inflict illness on his (new) family. This is by failing to tell him that one of his children has been ill (a cold, tummy bug etc) in the days prior to their visit (a whole 3 hours a fortnight, which my friend has to drive them to an hour away, as he won't collect them) He will not see them if one of them has been in any way ill within 7 days of their visit.

He fails to comprehend that as he will not give her any way to contact him at all, then she cannot inform them that they are, or have been ill. And if she fails to turn up, then she is withholding access.

Nat6999 · 12/02/2020 12:14

I had a sticker in my car window "any woman looking for a husband has obviously never had one" My ex husband brought it up in court that I was being abusive towards him by having the sticker in my car, he wanted the judge to order me to remove it, he got laughed out of court.

Toucan123 · 12/02/2020 12:24

“Are you sure it wasn’t your menopause that made you suddenly decide to bail on us?” (after a couple of years of me trying to make him see that his drinking was destroying our marriage and that he really needed to go to AA or do SOMETHING to try and help him with his problem because I couldn’t deal with his appalling behaviour anymore, e.g. verbal abuse, cock lodging, going awol). When I told him to fuck off he said "Well it's just too much of a coincidence". Angry

gemh1984 · 12/02/2020 12:30

Mine told me I wouldn't be entitled to anything and I didn't have a choice but to sign his settlement agreement. I did but took it to a solicitor and the divorce papers that said we had been separated 2 years. He filed for divorce on the Sunday (online) after the Tuesday I told him I wasn't happy and wanted to leave.

Solicitor couldn't believe it and just over a year, the settlement is going to be in my account in the next 2 months. Yes I was entitled to a lot more than he was offering.

He also stated in the divorce papers, once they got corrected to him divorcing me due to my unreasonable behaviour, which including leaving him and making him feel abandoned. He was a controlling prat who made me feel so worthless but no I've made him feel abandoned. He also stated about having met someone - 4 months after leaving him. Yes I had a couple of dates with someone but this is now in my divorce paperwork.

Will be single for a long time after all this nonsense.

CJ199012 · 12/02/2020 12:30

"You're just glorified admin!" (Organised everything to do with the house, paid bills, organise diaries etc - I'm pretty certain NOTHING would happen unless I did it).

amaryl · 12/02/2020 12:31

My behaviour is so bad (lying, cheating, verbal abuse) because I have ptsd- from when I did that secret mercenary work in the SAS. It’s so secret I can’t tell you anything about it.
He was never in any forces.

Nowayorhighway · 12/02/2020 12:35

He accused me of being a ‘coke whore so I ended up replying with ‘Diet Coke whore actually’ Grin. I’ve never taken cocaine fwiw and I don’t sell sex either...

Nat6999 · 12/02/2020 12:49

Mine told me I was having a midlife crisis because I traded him in for someone 20 years younger than him, lost loads of weight, started wearing nice clothes & had my hair & nails done. I took great delight in turning up at court in a different outfit every time.

abyssiniam8 · 12/02/2020 13:16

Oh so many...

The corker of all corkers . He denied having an affair. We were married 20 years and the discussion of divorce was taking place and sex became the topic.

He claimed that there was something wrong with me as every other woman can orgasm by means of piv. I asked him how he knew this as fact (as we have been together since school). His reply " I just do, ok". I think when he was shagging every other woman they may have faked it, as he was no great lover.

abyssiniam8 · 12/02/2020 13:23

Another one.

He divorced me, so was the plaintiff in the case. He changed jobs and so was away when the court case was to be heard. I just got a message to be at court house at a certain time for the case. Only when I got there did I find out he had changed himself to defendant and I was the plaintiff. Didnt even tell me. I thought I would make a big deal about it, but at the end of the day when the judge clonked his hammer, I though fuck it, its done now. He mentioned months later that he didnt think I would mind. But I had to stand there unprepared in front of the judge, I felt like I was on a Judge Judy show. You have to give 3 reasons to the judge. As I was not first to go, I just copied what every one else said lol. Every single plaintiff stated breakdown of communication as one of them. I could not say what I really wanted to of course.

Graphista · 12/02/2020 13:49

I’d LOVE to know what the solicitors who have to write the ridiculous letters and perhaps the ones which are extensions of controlling behaviour their clients displayed in the marriage!

@PaterPower my ex tried to maintain that he hadn’t slept with ow despite a baby proving it! He went as far as trying to claim the baby was premature even though a normal weight and mum and baby home day after the birth.

It was around 8 years until he finally admitted it during a drunken call in which he was trying to get back in my pants on the eve of his wedding to ow. He sent texts too which was handy. I could have made his wedding day VERY difficult for both of them. Instead I ignored his pleas to assure him I wouldn’t be saying anything to her or anyone else but I didn’t but I have it on very good authority he basically spent their wedding day dressing me dropping that particular bomb!

Just remembered (there’s SO much to remember!)

This was only a few years ago too (we’ve been split over 15 years) when he left the army (was kicked out, I have my suspicions why but haven’t been able to find out for definite) he was unemployed initially and so yet again not paying cm BUT he found a job quite quickly and didn’t tell me or csa - but plastered it all over sm! So I went back to csa to get the cm reinstated (he’s never been a reliable payer but I kept at it) who in turn contacted them, he still had arrears from previously avoiding paying. When they told him how much he’d have to pay he pitched a fit, swore at the csa person and said he’d quit working and not have to pay anything. Csa person said that was his choice but his army pension was actually enough to cover his payments and as taxable income they could use that instead. He kept working. Didn’t pay every month but I did get some payments out of him before dd aged out of the system. At one point I calculated how much he didn’t pay that he should have and iirc it was over £10,000.

One time I was pleasantly surprised by an impartial persons take on things

After over a year of ex taking the piss, numerous solicitors letters, messing about on contact, taking me to court for the most ridiculous of reasons the judge we got clearly reviewed the case thoroughly and saw right through ex. He agreed to the inclusion in the contact agreement that there was to be no more excuses re contact (said something like he expected ex to be half dead with drs evidence before cancelling again) and no more dragging me back to court to basically just harass me about petty nonsense. This time did make him behave considerably better for the next couple of years. It deteriorated again after that but at that point neither of us were still living under the catchment area of that court.

Pleased though I was at the time - and seeing exes head nearly explode was quite a sight - in hindsight I wish I hadn’t bothered.

With the benefit of hindsight it was clear from the day after we split that ex had little interest in continuing to be in dds life and paid mere lip service to the fact he was her father. I wish now I’d ignored all his goading and provocation and simply let him disappear from our lives inc not paying cm because it would have been far better for dd in the long term.

hellsbellsmelons · 12/02/2020 14:02

Wow - some of these are just fucking mind blowing.
The really awful thing is that a lot of these men actually believe what they are saying and claim.
The WORST bit is, that some them actually get away with it!!!
Well done to each and every one of you for coming out of the other side.

I don't have a story really as mine fucked off to another country and I had to do it all myself!

Whynosnowyet · 12/02/2020 15:02

My exh tried to get full custody of MY dc, apparently he was the better parent. Told anyone who would listen he won and was collecting a new car the next day to come collect MY dc... Wonder how he explained when neither car /dc appeared? Our joint dc went nc with him at 12 +14... He fleeced his own dm so when she died the dc lost out. Over 40 k apparently....

TheFormidableMrsC · 12/02/2020 15:05

Oh and another...shortly after he walked out and moved in with OW, our 2 yo contracted the worse case of chicken pox I've ever seen. I also had gastroenteritis and was very poorly. I told him I needed some help to which he responded that he and OW were going on holiday and I could send pictures of DS to him and he'd support me by looking at them 🙄🙄🙄.

This is truly an excellent reminder of what a cunt that man is and remains to this day 👍

TheFormidableMrsC · 12/02/2020 15:08

My friends ex, despite living with OW for more than a year, said he had never had sex with her and it was impossible because he wore pyjama bottoms in bed. This was to prevent her citing adultery in the divorce and was his "proof" 🙄

AdoraBell · 12/02/2020 15:12

Ex BF “you can’t live without me”

I pointed out that I’d managed it for 16 years before I met him.