Just for laughs, what's the most ridiculous comment your ex has thrown at you during divorce?

[Cherrypop99]

Having watched "Marriage Story" last night, I had to chuckle as it seems that during a divorce, two people (who were once in love) seemingly always end up ripping each other to shreds!

I received a foul letter from my ex via my lawyer yesterday with wording that read : "As you are aware your client has a well-documented history of abuse, physical assault and harassment. As a result of her behaviour, your client has been advised by the police to cease all contact with me." No idea where this came from, but I cried with laughter!!

Oh.... the games we all play hey?!!! Anyone else got any funny divorce stories to tell?

Light hearted thread

When my nisi was with the court (but obviously not proceeding quickly enough for my ex) and I was getting differing accounts of processing wait times from the court he told me he was going to see a solicitor as I was obviously lying to him as it was taking too long.

I did point out he sat on the form e for at least 3 months after I had completed mine (at the agreed time!)

We didn't divorce because he copped onto himself and stopped being a wanker, but while we were having counselling in order to be able to communicate efficiently enough to get divorced he said "I blame MN. If it wasn't for them you wouldn't even have known you were unhappy."

Similar to pps I also had “you won’t cope without me” at the point where I had started becoming suspicious of an affair I was doing almost all childcare, housework, family admin and working full time.

He also threatened to get me “certified crazy” and use that to take Dd off me. As I do have mh issues this did worry me at the time, solicitor assured me he was full of shit! And pointed out this was the same guy that in the whole of the preceding 6 months hadn’t once turned up on time and sober to collect dd for contact.

The one that made both myself and solicitor laugh out loud (and I’m still amazed he had the affront to have put in an official letter) was his response to one of my reasons for unreasonable behaviour ie that he didn’t show affection unless there was an ulterior motive. I think he didn’t know what “ulterior motive”
Meant and his solicitor was unable to educate him. His response was “I’m constantly trying to have sex with her” verbatim! In an official letter! We responded basically saying yes that was my bloody point! You were ONLY affectionate when you wanted sex! That’s not reasonable!

Frankly he was only even nice to me let alone affectionate when he wanted sex!

Upon telling me ow was pregnant (through tears) that she was only meant to be a fling, a bit on the side and she wasn’t supposed to get pregnant and knew that. Asked if he’d been using condoms “that’s her job” - booked myself in for Sti screening and was very nervous about results.

Several times letters from his solicitor regarding I was being unreasonable in not allowing him to take dd for contact - this was times when he was SO late she was in bed asleep when he finally bothered to show up!!

You really couldn’t make up what these fucking idiots come out with.

Oh yes - on his paying cm “but I won’t be able to afford a new car or a long holiday if i pay cm” meanwhile I’m going without food, clothes and heating to ensure dd fed!

@BlackAmericanoNoSugar wins thread

"I can't believe you won't hear my opinions anymore" totally straight faced.

I never wanted to go on all those luxury holidays you paid for

You asssulted me - I threw a wet tea towel at him

I know people 🤣

At the financial settlement, which was agreed at 20k...
him- you're so cheap, I would have went to 30.
Me- you're so dumb, I would have settled at 10.

@cindertoffees you absolutely owned him.....brilliant 😂

Text to my new partner from ex husband "She's a bitch but a great f@@k!"

Mine also put down as 'unreasonable behaviour' that I'd been on Tinder AFTER we separated.

OMG ! These are hilarious ! Thank you all for such a good laugh.

Mine gave the kids the sob story that he couldn't come over to the UK for Xmas day as the flights were too expensive ("and I have to pay soon much to your mum now") from where he now lives. Bang on Christmas lunch time, the OW smothers the internet with photos of them at a 5 star hotel in Fiji !!

Such tossers ! LOL!!

That I obviously didn't want DD and sole custody should be granted to him because I 'prioritised a childfree lifestyle over the physical and emotional needs of a baby', whereas he was 'both mother and father to her' because I had tried firstly to enlist on a degree course to get some qualifications and then a job to pay for a flat and food, rather than opt to stay on benefits as he did for the next fifteen years.

His mother's one was that I had let him look after her for an hour whilst I had a coil fitted so there weren't any more babies, so I clearly didn't want her. Oh, and that an EBF baby needed to be with her because I didn't have a fridge (he took it, along with my bed, the sofa and the fucking carpet) and there would be 'no milk' for the baby if she stayed with me. Even if I were stupid and gave a lactose intolerant baby bottles of semi skimmed, I could have bought a pint from the shop literally 100 yards from my flat every day.

This has got to be a classics nominee, surely?!

What a lot of utterly amazingly colossal bloody egocentric wankers there are out there!

Pre-divorce "I never wanted to get married. I only went through with the wedding cos you made me"" (Utter BS as it was me who was reluctant).

Post divorce "Our wedding was the best day of my life. I've got such great memories of it". Then got cross because I didn't share his great memories.

"I hope we can still be friends"

Errr no, not after the way you went on to treat me after our amicable split.
My revenge is being so much happier now I've kicked him to the curb.

"You manipulated me into falling in love with you by giving me vodka."

She also repeated this to the social worker who laughed out loud and asked her if she also drunk vodka now we were separated.

I can't wait for decree absolute.

To our DS " I know it upsets you when your mom and I argue it's not my fault she is jealous" a, we arnt arguing b,WTF do I have to be jealous of? You live in a caravan?

To me, I know my fiance had her children removed from her for severe neglect but she is lovely and wont hurt anyone your just being mean agreeing with children's services that they shouldn't be around her that's just your jealousy..

Ooh our divorce papers were classic he actually bragged about being forced to pay £7 a week from his universal credit and that's why he shouldn't have to pay towards the divorce he also said I was throwing his arrest in his face constantly and him being engaged to another woman wasnt the point the judge ordered him to contribute 😂😂

When I got together with my now DP, ExH sent me an email stating that he was worried my new partner would "parade around the house naked" in front of DD. Quite what he thought I'd be doing during this imagined inappropriate exhibitionism I really don't know...

Ex said to the mediator that I could use the money he was prepared to give me (tiny bit of the total sum) to rent a flat for me and kids and then in 6 months' time I could meet someone new!! I actually could not believe my ears and had to ask him to repeat what he had said. And he actually repeated it!

Far too many to mention and fortunately make me smile now.Typical of ExH foot stamping two year old behaviour

A few corkers..

Screaming at me when I mentioned having tea with a male friend
"But you're my WIFE, my F@@kinf wife"...when we had been separated 2 years and he had been sleeping with someone else for 3!

" Family life is just not for me" - 8 years of marriage and 3 DC's in

" Oh you always bring that up, you always go back to that" - when he asked me to explain why I wouldn't let him move back in and my reason was.... 'but you are sleeping with someone else"

"I'm taking OW out this weekend, I want you to babysit ( his weekend for care) and if you don't I will leave the DC's with the most unsuitable person possible and if anything happens to them it will be all your fault"

When I told the OW husband that I wouldn't fight the OW for my ExH - his response was " Unbelievable, Geoffrey Archers wife stood by him"

Priceless

cherrypop you reminded me...
A conversation with the CSA where I was informed that my ExH had spoken to them and "couldn't possibly afford £2.20 per week to begin to pay off his maintenance arrears". The CSA worker said - "I've tried to ring him to discuss it further...but I just can't get hold of him".

I took great delight in informing her that she wouldn't be able to get in touch with him as he was skiing for 3 weeks in Switzerland!

I had a very amicable divorce with my ex husband and even he still comes out with some crackers.

At the time, he once said that he was going to contact social services because my friend stayed over after a night out and she was a lesbian. 🤣
A few weeks ago I dared to speak up as he was taking the piss never having the kids a full weekend, so my 'punishment' was an hour long tirade of abuse about how 'I have to take responsibility for breaking up the family' (he left me)... TWELVE YEARS Ago. Get over it dude!!

My exh filed for divorce on the grounds that I didn't like wearing my wedding ring every day.
Funnily enough it failed and he was told that expecting me to do exactly what he wanted me to do was unreasonable and grounds for a divorce from my side

One ex said: it's not fair that I don't get to see your family anymore, they don't even like you. I should get to keep your family.
Latest ex, after I discovered his affair: nothing's changed between us. We're still not having sex. You're only upset because you've found out about her.