Surreal dinner with exH and OW

[Legallybleachblonde]

I don't even know if this is the right place to post but I've just had a really surreal evening and I don't know how to feel about it. My exH (we split three years ago) is now living with the OW he left me for. I suppose I shouldn't really refer to her as that now as it's been quite some time. I was devastated when we split (so were my family) and it's taken quite a while to recover but we get on okay now, mainly for the sake of our DS5. I went to his house tonight to collect my DS but they were only just sitting down to dinner (ExH, the OW/gf, my DS and her DD). He welcomed me in and offered me dinner as there was plenty and I politely declined but in I went and sat down (feeling a bit awkward) at the dinner table. OW offered me a cup of tea so I said okay, thank you. So there we were, all sat round the table chatting away like nothing bad had ever happened. It just felt so weird and it's hard to explain but I felt like I was betraying myself, if that makes sense? ExH was pretty ruthless when we split and didn't treat me that well - he's selfish and has zero empathy. We had to sell our family home as I couldn't afford to take it on and my DS and I ended up in a flat. ExH moved in with OW almost immediately into her 4 bed house and since then his career has rocketed and he's quite well off. I have a lovely flat and work life balance but money is tight and at 49, I'm having to claim tax credits for the first time in my life. Part of me tonight wanted to grab my son and just run for it but I just sat there as if nothing had happened. Can't really explain it. I still have some feelings for him because even though he is not a nice man I adored him when we were married and he's my little boy's Dad. It just all felt like a weird dream tonight and that I was watching myself. But it wasn't a dream; it was real. Do you think I should be bearing a grudge still or do you think it's commendable that I have kept my dignity? Everything I do is for my little boy - if he's happy so am I. How do others in my situation get on with the OW?

That sounds really hard but it sounds like you did great for your son by being civil. It shows great inner stregnth on your part. Hope you some great things happen to you this year, you sound like lovely, thoughtful person

Think of it this way, what good would it do you to hold a grudge? They won't care so it's only yourself you will be hurting/damaging. I'd say move on and carry on being gracious.

As weird as you felt, I also think you did the right thing tonight by acting normal. It will have made your DS happy, whether he shows it overtly or not.

I bet it was really hard, but you sound like an amazing mum.

As hard as that was it's such a positive thing for your son to see so well done to you.

You did the right thing caught on the hop. If it happens again I suggest you just take DS and say you'll give him his dinner.

I think that by not running- which is all I would have wanted to do too- you behaved with the upmost dignity and in the best interests of your little boy, something that it doesn’t sound like your ex husband ever did.

I know it’s a cliche, but money isn’t everything. They have to live with what they did.

You should be proud of yourself, not feel that you have in anyway betrayed yourself.

Remember too: he hasn't cheated on her. Yet.

Marry the mistress, create vacancy.

She has your heartache ahead of her. Yours is in your past.

You are bloody amazing OP. The way you handled yourself is inspiring.

I think you’re amazing and that your little boy will be so proud of you. You are the better person.

Having been through a separation myself, I can imagine your mixed feelings about this. Good for you for managing to get through it and show a good example to the kids – but under these circumstances you should not have to put yourself through it.
I might have just said - I will come back in 20 mins, please make sure the kids are ready then. This is civil too.
Sounds like you have been through enough without having to sit through this, and sometimes you just have to put yourself first and do what’s best for you to protect yourself. It’s okay to the day-to day-chit-chat when you are ready, not when others are.

Well done to you op, your ds wil be far better off for your maturity and calm in this situation.

And well done for not stabbing your ex in the eye with a fork!

Wow that must have been very hard like you stumbled into someone elses normal life but you handled it amazingly 💐
To then go home and acknowledge your feelings even more so! I think I would have probably gone and bought a bottle of wine!
Its difficult considering 'how well he has done' if there any karma in the world things would have been different for him but he still came out with very little disruption!
I get that feeling though. I ended up in a flat after my divorce rented at that and in my late 40's starting again felt pretty hard I just felt a bit bitter at times, like it was all for nothing.
Maybe you can make some small changes? You sound like an amazing mum but what about you?
Are you ready to date or have fun?
Just remember too she got the man who was unfaithful. As cozy as their life seems now its not exactly a prize is it? But you are feeling totally normal, and in future if it feels weird try to make other arrangements regarding drop off etc. As much as you are the better person here you dont deserve to have it rubbed in your face even if that is not their intention x

Yep you did good. But dont let it keep happening as that wouldn't be good for you.
Set a time and say you cant afford to wait so if they havent got tea done in future can they let you know so you prepare sl.ethj g at home. If it happens again.... for this one let it go and maintain your dignity but d km t put yourself through it again if you dont need to snd dont like it. Its your time and not exactly a thing that seems pleasurable!

[Sigh]

This was a triangulation. And a VERY big one too. This means his new partner is now in devaluation.

Two things from your post. First you say 'zero lack of empathy' the second is that he moved into her big home very quickly.

That points strongly to a few conclusions.

She was already on the scene as YOU were being devalued, which then led to the split.

Bringing you back was a threat to her. Ex when children are involved always are. They are a POTENT spice if narc supply just because if the fuel involved.

Your comment that, it didn't feel real, are posdible aspects if dissociation.

Did he abuse you, OP?

Gosh no, no abuse! But was clearly leading a double life
He told me the day after boxing day he didnt love me anymore and that he was leaving. It was a massive shock. If anything, he had become more attentive in the run up to his leaving - guilt I expect.

A lot of wiseness there from @75Renarde. I thought that the psychology of inviting you in was interesting if he’s got narc qualities.

You sound very dignified OP. I agree I wouldn’t do it again, he should have DS ready for pick up and not waste your time.

75Renarde, you’re well known for your obsession with everyone being a narcissist. No need for your projections on here. Sigh indeed.

I hope she cheats on him and dumps his sorry arse.

I'm not as nice as you OP.

You're a GREAT mum! You've done so well by your son. I know it was hard for you but that one dinner will make things so much better for him.

It’s a bit trite but it is genuinely true that the opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference.
By drinking a cup of tea, as though you were feeling entirely neutral about it, you have diluted some of the power that the situation (and they) had over you. It was the right thing for your ds but may well have been the right thing for you too. You have to co-parent but these people are not entitled to hold a significant space in your feelings. They don’t deserve your headspace.

That’s a difficult one, I have ended up in good terms with my exes, so it is not unusual for me to share a table with new wives/partners, I even used to go to the cinema with exH’s girlfriend on the days he had DS, but blooming hell, I would feel exactly as you did if I had to share a table with an OW.

Please don’t let this uncomfortable situation open up the scar and bring all those bad feelings back. It was unfortunate, you have rebuilt your life and are happy with it, believe me when a man is a selfish self absorbed man just focused in his own interests/benefit, it will make his wife unhappy with an OW or none.

Good riddance, chin up and focus on the positives as much as you can while this bad experience feeling goes away.

I think she adores him as much as I did! It's interesting about him inviting me in as he always does it with such enthusiasm and then I think back to how vile he was when we were trying to sort out the finances. I saw a side to him I never knew existed. He literally dropped me like I was nothing. Yet now, he's being all nice. He always tells me how well he's doing at work etc and I think to myself 'why are you even telling me? I dont care!'. I dont understand him at all.

Don’t let them keep dragging you in. Be mindful this might set a pattern. It eases their guilt.

@AnneLovesGilbert

, you’re well known for your obsession with everyone being a narcissist. No need for your projections on here. Sigh indeed

What an unpleasant and unnecessary comment! If you disagree with that poster then say why. No need for personal attacks, they are the last resort of those without a defensible argument.

It’s really lovely for your son to see his Mum and Dad in the same room without any other agenda. You’ve done it for your son, all for him forgive yourself.