Surreal dinner with exH and OW

[Legallybleachblonde]

I don't even know if this is the right place to post but I've just had a really surreal evening and I don't know how to feel about it. My exH (we split three years ago) is now living with the OW he left me for. I suppose I shouldn't really refer to her as that now as it's been quite some time. I was devastated when we split (so were my family) and it's taken quite a while to recover but we get on okay now, mainly for the sake of our DS5. I went to his house tonight to collect my DS but they were only just sitting down to dinner (ExH, the OW/gf, my DS and her DD). He welcomed me in and offered me dinner as there was plenty and I politely declined but in I went and sat down (feeling a bit awkward) at the dinner table. OW offered me a cup of tea so I said okay, thank you. So there we were, all sat round the table chatting away like nothing bad had ever happened. It just felt so weird and it's hard to explain but I felt like I was betraying myself, if that makes sense? ExH was pretty ruthless when we split and didn't treat me that well - he's selfish and has zero empathy. We had to sell our family home as I couldn't afford to take it on and my DS and I ended up in a flat. ExH moved in with OW almost immediately into her 4 bed house and since then his career has rocketed and he's quite well off. I have a lovely flat and work life balance but money is tight and at 49, I'm having to claim tax credits for the first time in my life. Part of me tonight wanted to grab my son and just run for it but I just sat there as if nothing had happened. Can't really explain it. I still have some feelings for him because even though he is not a nice man I adored him when we were married and he's my little boy's Dad. It just all felt like a weird dream tonight and that I was watching myself. But it wasn't a dream; it was real. Do you think I should be bearing a grudge still or do you think it's commendable that I have kept my dignity? Everything I do is for my little boy - if he's happy so am I. How do others in my situation get on with the OW?

You're instincts are correct OP and are serving you well. Listen to them.

No, hes not that clever but he is cunning.

Switch this around. Put yourself in her position. How would you then feel? Discombobulated, anxious, perhaps even frightened?

The new partner is now very firmly in devaluation. The obvious triangulation now suggests this.

This will be impacting the children.

Its Court now, I think.

You CANNOT Coparent with a Narc..

OP I very rarely post but just have to this time! Massive respect to you, what a great mum you are. Hope you rewarded yourself with a v large glass of something lovely once you were home.
Well done.

Hats off to you OP.

I’d be careful to avoid the charade in future though. Just because you can do it doesn’t mean you have to.

Irm, 'cause me @URScuti!

Foxes are very clever! And cunning too.

75Ren I’m really sorry you’ve been through that

Yes it’s always the weakest way in through the kids.

Mambo being civil is always the best way to go but this situation crossed the line. The OP didn’t want to go in, a normal exchange (considering the history) would have been ‘ok he’ll be two mins, or shall I wrap it up for him’ - not insisting she comes in and pretend to play happy families. This guy fucked her over - With this woman who is serving her fucking tea! It’s not about being bitter it about not being a mug.

I would never ever display me - throwing myself under the bus especially to my kids because I would never want them to feel they should do the same one day.

I agree with LouReidDododo. I don’t think OP should feel responsible to play happy families if she was treated like crap .

I think, if it removes/reduces any kind of toxicity for both the kids involved, then it's a winner. Sounds like all the adults (you including) are trying in their own way to create a positive atmosphere for the kids too.
Any chance you can move on OP and maybe love yourself again so you can look towards settling down with a new man?

Well done. But I think, in future, I'd be tempted to text him before pick up to confirm your DS will be ready to leave when you arrive. You are not their friend. You don't need to be. And (in your shoes) I couldn't ever be. By the sounds of it, you feel that way too. But massive congratulations to you.

I am very sorry for speaking ill of foxes 😳🦊

if he's financially quite well off, then his salary has obviously increased.

Are you getting maintenance via CMS? Time for a re-evaluation perhaps?

Thank you @LouReidDododo means a lot.

To PP who says find a man. Absolutly fucking not! You are nowhere near over your ex. You run a very high risk of picking up another narc.

You are still on FOG. Until that clears you are firmly in the danger zone. Your Emptional Thinking is still way too high.

I mean this kindly.

I think it’s a fathers job to make sure he doesn’t treats his child’s mum like crap...

It’s not the mums fault if the relationship between the DS as Ex isn’t great because she is pretending she was never hurt!

Oh Christ I think it’s kicking out time at the pub!

He told me about his promotion. He used these words 'I've secured a senior position'. He likes to big himself up to me which is odd as it's like he's feeling threatened so needs to prove his capabilities. It really is odd. Yes, he's getting a pay rise and has said he will pay more. He said 'I will be completely transparent'. Mr Dishonest who was seeing someone behind my back is now being 'transparent'. Why is he puffing his chest out and acting all self-important? I still think he's a lying shit!

I have a friend who was in a similar situation. She became quite friendly with the OW. Her relationship with the OW became even stronger when the husband had another affair. I don't know all the details but thought it might be of interest to you to know strange stuff can happen. I never fully understood it but thought it was because she still loved him and wanted to be close to him.

I'm nearly 10 years down the line from you. in the last few years I've begun to go to social events (family) that exH and his now DW go to. Much to our surprise, at the first event we went to, she and I found we actually liked each other, and now we usually end up chatting.

We will never be BFs - politically at opposite ends of the spectrum - but I know that we will be able to navigate weddings, birthdays, funerals, christenings etc with absolutely no problems and my DC will never be put in a position where they have to make choices about having to invite either mum or stepmum to anything. It's taken a while, but I'm glad I bit my tongue in the early days.

I think it's important to have boundaries and then to police those boundaries. You got through a horrible situation that you should never have been put in. But now you feel bad and that's understandable. So now decide where your boundary is wrt this type of thing and prevent or avoid this in future.

I think you’ve done amazingly well and it shows just how much of a good mum you are. You where treated in a awful way but holding a grudge only damages you not them. You’ve done the right thing, you sound like a lovely person OP it takes a lot not to let anger and hurt override your life.

He might want you to not think he's scum. Because he knows he is. But wants you to reflect something different back. But hey. Not your problem. Be cool. Thank him politely. Take the extra cash. But dont be gtateful for it. Or make him think you now think hes a nice person. That extra cash is your due. I think cool, polite and distant but civil is the way to go. He wants you to like him again. Don't.

Yes he'll still be a lying shit but you can see him for what he is now.

Def get the maintenance looked at in light of his promotion.

Think I would have said 'how long are you going to be?' and then left to 'make a call'. Possible get out in future?

No way would I have been able to sit there personally.

On the plus side your flat is free of this toxic shit of a man....

You handled the situation impeccably OP! I agree that it would have reduced the stress on your DS at a difficult juncture.
We can’t know what’s going on in your exH’s head, but I would fathom after the way be treated you in the past, that it would not necessarily be benign. Unless he lacks complete insight into how his behaviour impacted on you.
I also think you’ve done really well - like others have suggested- to acknowledge that the whole situation made you feel very uncomfortable and that you don’t want to repeat situation.
Hopefully he won’t put you in that position again. If he does, perhaps think of ways you might want to deal with it- including confronting him. Let him know quite calmly that please can he have your son ready on time, as it impinges on your time and plans.
Agree checking you have the right amount of child maintenance. Gloaty bastard!
You may have been experiencing dissociative symptoms- the lack of control may have brought back your feelings from time of separation. Best way to manage is to be prepared so you don’t feel out of control if it happens again?

Because you’re giving him an audience. End that. Communication through text or email, only about child contact. Anything else is utterly irrelevant and just giving him attention for literally no reason.

Sorry, that sounded a bit strident. But he's got it all now. Almost. The missing piece of the jigsaw is a friendly ex and cosy blended family. If that's not what you want or feel comfortable with you don't owe it to them. You owe them nothing. It's just about your son. Nothing more or less. Unless you choose otherwise.