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Original poster

Surreal dinner with exH and OW

234 replies

Legallybleachblonde · 06/02/2020 21:19

I don't even know if this is the right place to post but I've just had a really surreal evening and I don't know how to feel about it. My exH (we split three years ago) is now living with the OW he left me for. I suppose I shouldn't really refer to her as that now as it's been quite some time. I was devastated when we split (so were my family) and it's taken quite a while to recover but we get on okay now, mainly for the sake of our DS5. I went to his house tonight to collect my DS but they were only just sitting down to dinner (ExH, the OW/gf, my DS and her DD). He welcomed me in and offered me dinner as there was plenty and I politely declined but in I went and sat down (feeling a bit awkward) at the dinner table. OW offered me a cup of tea so I said okay, thank you. So there we were, all sat round the table chatting away like nothing bad had ever happened. It just felt so weird and it's hard to explain but I felt like I was betraying myself, if that makes sense? ExH was pretty ruthless when we split and didn't treat me that well - he's selfish and has zero empathy. We had to sell our family home as I couldn't afford to take it on and my DS and I ended up in a flat. ExH moved in with OW almost immediately into her 4 bed house and since then his career has rocketed and he's quite well off. I have a lovely flat and work life balance but money is tight and at 49, I'm having to claim tax credits for the first time in my life. Part of me tonight wanted to grab my son and just run for it but I just sat there as if nothing had happened. Can't really explain it. I still have some feelings for him because even though he is not a nice man I adored him when we were married and he's my little boy's Dad. It just all felt like a weird dream tonight and that I was watching myself. But it wasn't a dream; it was real. Do you think I should be bearing a grudge still or do you think it's commendable that I have kept my dignity? Everything I do is for my little boy - if he's happy so am I. How do others in my situation get on with the OW?

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 06/02/2020 22:42

Ime you'll never regret keeping your dignity.
Kids aren't daft, your son can see with his own eyes the difference in the standard of living his parents have. As he gets older he'll see how hard you work every day to keep things together for him.

SmallChickBilly · 06/02/2020 22:44

Three things stand out for me:

  1. It's hugely impressive that you managed to sit there and be 'normal' despite the weirdness of the situation. It must have taken the wind out of their sails a bit to see you nonchalantly sipping a cup of tea and ignoring how bizarre it all was.
  1. How lovely for your son to know that you can put aside the shitty way he treated you to make things normal for him. As his life plays out, it will be so good for him to know that you are able to be in a room together without there being drama around it.
  1. If you can do this now, it's only going to get easier as time passes. So, in the future, when you need to do things together for your son's benefit, you have already weathered the hardest thing, so you can relax and not worry about whether you'll be able to keep it together.
Lucifer666 · 06/02/2020 22:46

Op you behaved in a very dignified manner I would have declined and left so well done you Smile. As for your ex and other woman leave them to it and remain civil she's deluded if she thinks he won't do the same to her it wouldn't surprise if he does in the near future like the saying goes how you get them is how you lose them she's probably insecure he'll cheat on her since she knows he did it to you. As for telling you about how well he's doing sounds to me like he's rubbing it in your face and you didn't rise to it continue to do so he's not worth rising to. Karma will pay him back because when your DS is old enough he will start asking questions and that will be down to your ex to look his son in the face and tell him he couldn't keep his dick in his pants that's if he has the guts to tell him the truth. So sorry about your parent's that's rough and I've had a grandparent go through dementia I really sympathise its awful to sit back and watch. Hopefully they can fight through the cancer and recover. I wish you all the best for your future hopefully you'll get some breaks soon Flowers x

NotALurker2 · 06/02/2020 22:46

What you went through with him sounds emotionally brutal. People only behave that way when they have zero connection to the other people their behavior affects -- which would explain why it would make seem sensible to him that you to sit there at the dinner table like that. How bizarre.

I get that you felt that you betrayed yourself. Very insightful. I'm sorry for what he put you through. I don't know why that kind of behavior is considered normal in society. It shouldn't be. Good luck with your DS.

Mrsmadevans · 06/02/2020 22:48

You are brilliant OP he is such a damn fool . Flowers

FrangipaniBlue · 06/02/2020 22:50

OP you are an absolute star Star and what an amazing role model for your son Smile

LouReidDododo · 06/02/2020 22:50

Well he’s still fucking with your head isn’t he.

And 75Renarde has a good point. I wonder what thrill he got out of having you both there?

Next time don’t go in. Even if you look like the weird ex just sit in your car.

Housiemousie · 06/02/2020 22:52

Well done to all of you, but especially you for doing that.

My DH has a (30yo) DD and even though they spilt after only 2 years together when she was 6 months they never managed to have a civil conversation. I have been with him since DSD was 2 and she (and their father/daughter relationship) has been so badly affected by her parents lack of a relationship.

There may be old bitter feelings between them now (they obvs have no communication any more) but nothing compares to the fact that their grown up daughter has absorbed all their anger and wont have anything to do with her dad now. As a bystander for most of that I feel it was avoidable and is tragic that their daughter pays the price of their mistake. Afaik she is actively angry at her father but in the voice of her mother.

Your son will be the better for your magnanimous behaviour because that's his only dad and you're obvs his very important mum but if you can (at least fake) act cool and accepting behaviour for his sake then you are a hero.

Thinkingabout1t · 06/02/2020 22:53

You were heroic and very dignified, and protected your DS. I suspect your XH was using you as a warning to OW - “Look, my XW still admires me”. He’s still the same shit he was. I hope you don’t put yourself through this again, OP.

suggestionsplease1 · 06/02/2020 22:53

I think you're allowed to hold conflicting feelings and you can make peace with that. You are who you need to be at different times, and especially for your son.

75Renarde · 06/02/2020 22:55

@LouReidDododo

Thank you.

He is getting barc supply, energy, fuel.

He will have seen how the OP was containing herself and it gave him power.

And I agree. You dont interact. Stay in the car. Remove yourself from Sphere 1. Face to face interaction.

LouReidDododo · 06/02/2020 22:58

I don’t get this dignified manner and always having to keep your mouth shut and play happy families.

I’ll never teach my dd to be subservient. It’s ok for kids to see you upset and to say no - especially when you have been treated fucking awful like this man has done to the OP and then invites her in for fucking ‘tea’..

Op if you were my friend I’d be telling you ti put it down to experience - he caught you off guard but don’t allow yourself to drawn into his little games again.

LifeImplosionImminent · 06/02/2020 23:01

OP I think I get how you felt. Your life has been turned upside down by the man you thought you would be with forever. He's got this great life, huge house and you're in a flat. Now he's asking you to come eat with him and his new gf. It's hardly fair. But for your son's sake you absolutely did the right thing. Don't feel like you have to assuage his guilt by being nice when he's not around though!....

TheBeastInMsRooneysRoom · 06/02/2020 23:02

You did well to exercise self-control. But it's not good for you to pretend that you're fine with everything, and you don't have to convince yourself that everything is fine. You are allowed to avoid that situation in the future. Just because you came into the house this time does not obligate you to do so next time. You're allowed to say "No thank you" and wait in the car. That feeling of betraying yourself is heartbreaking and you do not have to play along. As long as it doesn't impact your son, do what is right for you, too.

75Renarde · 06/02/2020 23:03

@LouReidDododo

Bingo. Caught off guard.

Ex used to do this one all the time. I had a complete breakdown because of precisely this behaviour.

Far far worse than his threat to rape me to teach me a lesson. Or the actual rape and sexual assaults themselves.

It's always to do with the children. Always.

It strikes at the very heart of the concept of 'Mother'

Housiemousie · 06/02/2020 23:03

But its not her sons argument Loureid, its her argument with him. Could it not be the case that all this is for their son to feel that his current version of a family is ok. She doesn't have to love or even like the ex or the OW but at least her son knows he can talk about his dad, his step sister and step mum and so he doesn't have to inherit his mothers unhappiness at the situation.

CustomerCervixDepartment · 06/02/2020 23:09

Being caught off guard once is fine, but don’t bother pandering to the trash again. The man would have been loving having two women in the house ‘competing’ for him, in his mind, and the mistress would have been on a power trip too. Sitting in the mistresses property is not a kind thing to do ‘for the kids’, remove yourself from the pathetic power plays and egotism, next time the adulterers offer you to go into the mistresses property just laugh and say ‘nah.’
You don’t need to have any contact with the man other than information to share about his kid. No need for any contact with his current lover.

ASmallMovie · 06/02/2020 23:12

You sound a lovely woman and a fabulous mum.

Mamboitaliano · 06/02/2020 23:12

OP, what your ex's motivations were are irrelevant. How he felt is irrelevant. How his now partner felt is irrelevant. That's not the focus here. Your one and only focus was (and should be) on your child and what was best for them. You did the right thing. I wish my parents could have been civil and dignified. Flouncing off to sit in your car is the kind of shit that makes children feel bad. They eat the rest of their meal knowing mummy is sitting in the car. That mummy and daddy can't even be in the same room. But no - you came in and were civil and dignified and frankly awesome. That's how. not. to. fuck. a. kid. up. So many posters could learn from you.

Mamboitaliano · 06/02/2020 23:13

Or should that be how. to. not. fuck. a. kid. up? I got distracted with my full stops. I was just so keen to emphasise how rare it seems to be for split parents to think of the kids first, and their own messy shite second.

75Renarde · 06/02/2020 23:15

@Mamboitaliano

Dead wrong. The ex could be just a tosser. But if hes a narc then that utterly changes the game.

Keep on posting OP. You're on the right track because you are beginning to question.

UYScuti · 06/02/2020 23:19

I agree with 75renard, I think the whole thing was staged by your ex, he sounds to be someone with sociopathic/narcissistic traits, well done for keeping your cool and keeping your dignity but I think you were deliberately put in that situation to make everyone feel uncomfortable and see how everyone would react
I would avoid engaging with them in the future so as not to get dragged in
You feeling all weird and peculiar.... that was your inner self sounding a warning alarm

Notcontent · 06/02/2020 23:21

Oh OP, I completely understand how you feel. I think you behaved in a really dignified way, and you should feel proud of yourself.

That’s the horrible thing about relationship breakdown when you have a child with someone - you can’t just erase that person from your life. My exH left me for the OW quite a few years ago but I still can’t feel neutral about it all. It’s a similar dynamic - he has a huge house, etc - and sometimes it feels quite surreal that I have these seemingly normal conversations with him when he caused me so much pain

Original poster
Legallybleachblonde · 06/02/2020 23:22

I just dont believe he's that clever. But then again, I don't know him at all. He looks the same but that's it. His whole behaviour has been weird since he left. My sister calls him the conman

OP posts:
UYScuti · 06/02/2020 23:25

You don't believe he's that clever? I don't think you'll get to see the real him, you get to see whatever Facade it suits him to project, if he is stupid then hes stupid like a fox
This man knows very well that you still have feelings for him and he likes that because it gives him a sense of power he also really enjoyed rubbing your nose in the fact that he's doing well now