Surreal dinner with exH and OW

[Legallybleachblonde]

I don't even know if this is the right place to post but I've just had a really surreal evening and I don't know how to feel about it. My exH (we split three years ago) is now living with the OW he left me for. I suppose I shouldn't really refer to her as that now as it's been quite some time. I was devastated when we split (so were my family) and it's taken quite a while to recover but we get on okay now, mainly for the sake of our DS5. I went to his house tonight to collect my DS but they were only just sitting down to dinner (ExH, the OW/gf, my DS and her DD). He welcomed me in and offered me dinner as there was plenty and I politely declined but in I went and sat down (feeling a bit awkward) at the dinner table. OW offered me a cup of tea so I said okay, thank you. So there we were, all sat round the table chatting away like nothing bad had ever happened. It just felt so weird and it's hard to explain but I felt like I was betraying myself, if that makes sense? ExH was pretty ruthless when we split and didn't treat me that well - he's selfish and has zero empathy. We had to sell our family home as I couldn't afford to take it on and my DS and I ended up in a flat. ExH moved in with OW almost immediately into her 4 bed house and since then his career has rocketed and he's quite well off. I have a lovely flat and work life balance but money is tight and at 49, I'm having to claim tax credits for the first time in my life. Part of me tonight wanted to grab my son and just run for it but I just sat there as if nothing had happened. Can't really explain it. I still have some feelings for him because even though he is not a nice man I adored him when we were married and he's my little boy's Dad. It just all felt like a weird dream tonight and that I was watching myself. But it wasn't a dream; it was real. Do you think I should be bearing a grudge still or do you think it's commendable that I have kept my dignity? Everything I do is for my little boy - if he's happy so am I. How do others in my situation get on with the OW?

Couldnt agree more. Give yourself a break. You don't need to do anything you don't feel like doing and it doesn't all have to be on their terms. Which it sounds like it mainly is (apart from You not being the jolly friendly ex). You will be doing good role modelling to your son too. I have never brought into the horseshit idea that your kids will suffer if you're not friends. But 100% cordial etc, as previous poster says. Xx

When i wrote 'couldn't agree more' I was agreeing with snowfalling. She got it spot on, imo xx

Why would you arrange to collect your son when they are sitting down to dinner?

They were running late.

This man is a Predator, he has no scruples,you have identified him as dangerous OP and yet you think it's a good thing that he has heavy involvement in your son's life, why do you think it's a good thing that your son has a Predator in his life, do you think he will be different with your son?

I couldn’t agree more. I used to be similar, so convinced that the best thing I could do was facilitate, encourage and bend over backwards to keep my son and his father as close a relationship as I could.

Why?

The mistaken idea that no matter how abusive or nasty, (and my Ex was and is, always only towards me and not DS), that he needed a really close relationship.

Now I would not have stopped a close relationship. But I was sacrificing a lot to enable it, and that was a mistake. My son is older now and all it has done is shown DS that it’s okay to be nasty to women, okay not to be responsible, and also it shook his trust in me for a good while as Ex was being so nasty and horrible to me, but in a highly manipulative way, so all DS saw was a stressed Mum, and his father started saying that I was wrong, that he shouldn’t listen to me etc...

Be wary OP. Look after yourself and your child as number one. Your Ex will look out for himself and he will be the role model for your child. Set a better example.

@P999 thanks. Unfortunately from bitter experience.

His job gives him room to cheat.
He invited you in because it gave him a thrill to see his wife, and OW in the same room. He could have warned you via text they were running late.
I think he is bored of being faithful to OW.
Very soon he will need a new fix, mistress number 2 , please reveal yourself.

You were incredibly brave OP, I don’t think many people could have done that and I’m sure it made your DS happy.

She’s the one stuck with a cheating bastard, I’m sure he’ll cheat on her one day too.

Snowfalling your post has shaken me a little as the thought of DS becoming that person is frightening, especially as I am the opposite and have been brought up to be kind, truthful, self-aware and considerate of others. This cannot happen and I hear what you say - thank you.

I agree with Mummy2017 this man is getting bored of being faithful he wants a bit of a buzz, he wants to flex his muscles and have women do his bidding, I reckon he really enjoyed that, forcing the two of you to sit there and be polite to each other just for his sake, he feels like a king now🦁👑 and he wants some more of that

Do you think I should be bearing a grudge still or do you think it's commendable that I have kept my dignity?

Definitely the latter OP. Being civil is a great thing to do for your DS. As awful as your ex was to you, he will always be DS's father and DS loves him. Well done OP, it must have been tough

Every time my ex played nice it was to soften me up for news that would probably upset me (i.e. baby on board, that type of thing- though there never was a baby on board). Are they married? Maybe there's a little 'news delivery' coming and he wants to keep you sweet so you don't feel upset by baby news or a wedding.
It is really, really, really hard to be all smiles and light when it all still hurts- not the missing him part (I'm sure that's long gone) but to be shafted by your ex. It never really goes away. That shit stains. It just does. You're left picking up lots of pieces while he's just walked into his insta-home. So lame. My heart was racing on your behalf. You're a better woman than me, OP. Although I never had that experience, I was invited in for lunch when my ex's GF wasn't home. It was weird, smelling her perfume in the bathroom, seeing her creams and her things. Seeing the bedroom and the bedding that was once ours on a bed where we'd loved. I didn't want him. But oh, the hurt. That really hurt. It was hard being reminded that I wasn't enough for him. That being a family wasn't enough for him. That having a family with someone else was 'the enough' that he was seeking and that I could never be. I had to learn to stop beating myself up and lowering myself to the level he'd reduced me to. These people, they are too arrogant to care about the hurt they deliver. It is all about them.
We tried to do the whole 'peace' thing and it worked on a superficial level. But he left the UK years ago and that was a great thing. I felt I could breathe. I secretly hated all the going back and forth and the shuffling of our little boy. I found it so destabilising. When I remarried, he was a nightmare!
Personally, I think your ex saw her 4 bedroom house and that was enough of a pull. He sounds like a social climber your ex. I know that you know you're well shot of him. But I know how it feels when you're sitting in your flat, working every hour God sends and being full-time mum, and this guy seems to have more freedom, more space to find opportunities to grow. But trust me, they have their own fish to fry and shit that flies. I would disengage. Next time, don't go in. You can still be kind and civil and warm, but just say, "I'd love to but no thanks. If you could get DS and his things, that'd be grand." Say everything with a smile. It works a treat. I got sucked into the whole 'let's be good mates' thing and it was just not right. When I made it just about pick ups and drop-offs, no cups of tea at mine or his, keeping it nice and friendly but distant, it worked better for me and my DS was great with that. He hated when we tried to do the whole 'getting personal and friendly again' thing. Your DS won't like you all being mates. It's too messy and weird for him. What you felt at that table your DS felt too! Believe me! Keep it simple. You're the better person here.

Do you normally pick your son up at a set time op? If you do then why isn't son ready and waiting at that time when they know you will be coming to collect him? My friend's ex used to do this. On her night it was always agreed that she would collect her dc at 6pm. She always turns up at 6pm and her dc are never ready because exh/ow are showing dc something or just finishing their snack or doing a craft or whatever. The dc's bags are not packed so that has to be done and then all the drawn out 'goodbyes', etc. The dc aren't actually ready to leave until nearly 8pm. I think it's a power thing because my friend either has to go into the house to help get the dc ready to go and meanwhile have a conversation she doesn't want with exh/ow or she says 'I'll be back in 20 mins' and ends up awkwardly waiting in her car until the dc come out. She's come to dread picking them up. When exh/ow collect the children from her house she has the dc ready to go by the agreed time 6pm and everyone is out the door no later than 6:10 because that is the agreed time, she doesnt' want exh/ow in her house and she doesn't want the conversations.
I think you did the right thing in the circumstances OP but be careful this doesn't become a regular issue (each time you arrive to collect ds is just sitting down to dinner or whatever).

I think you did brilliantly OP ... you acted with dignity ... however you do not need to make a habit of this if you really don’t want to .. next time you could check your sons ready or have somewhere you need to pop whilst they finish eating ... few bits from the corner shop etc etc

I dont normally pick him up, no. Yesterday was a one-off and not part of our usual 'rota' as I wanted to pick my Dad up from his first radiotherapy appt. So ex picked up DS from school and fed him to allow me to see to Dad.

I admire you and think you are commendable keeping it together for your little boy.

I am fascinated by the narc/triangulation thing. When we were all round the table, we were discussing music (in the context of what the kids liked). OW said that ex told her daughter there used to be a group called Right Said Fred who sang 'I'm too sexy' and she added "of course he said the song was about him hee hee" and I looked at him and he had a stupid grin on his face. Oh my god that was weird too!!

Why would he be saying that to his partner’s DD? How old is she?

Her DD is 10.

"of course he said the song was about him hee hee" and I looked at him and he had a stupid grin on his face

That was your 'grab coat and go' moment right there.
They sound like a pair of tools, OP! I'm chuckling here. Does your ex live in a house called Belle End, by any chance? (Sorry. That's from another thread! )

He loved it didn't he, two women and a 10-year-old girl all sat around a table acknowledging his sexy-ness
(😣😖)

The OM had no idea, her best friend was passing on her moans to me.
I was livid for about 6 months after I chucked him out, would only sit in the car and watch my children go see them.
But once I stopped caring, it seemed his enthusiasm for their relationships disappeared as well.
I was giving him a lift to an event, and he finally asked why I was not upset anymore, so I told him we had 15 years of memory's, he was not the man I had loved, and what she had was a very bad copy of his younger self.
He liked the excitement of the chase and hiding the OW.
And yes he tried to cheat on her, but no one would have him, so he was trapped.

He tried to cheat on her but no one would have him
That is so funny, he thought they'd be queuing up for a piece of his hot body but actually none of them would touch him with a 10-foot pole 🤣😂

@Snowfalling20

Agreed with everything you say apart from guilt. He cannot feel that.

@Theroigne

Very well stated. And yes, you probably do gave a narc friend or two. Most of us will. Especially bosses where lack of affective empathy means they trample over others and rise to the top.

OP, yeah...inappropriate behaviour coupled with not understand boundaries re I'm too sexy. Narc.

Triangulation is a powerful manipulation. Do you know, you can even be triangulated with situations AND inanimate objects?