Surreal dinner with exH and OW

[Legallybleachblonde]

I don't even know if this is the right place to post but I've just had a really surreal evening and I don't know how to feel about it. My exH (we split three years ago) is now living with the OW he left me for. I suppose I shouldn't really refer to her as that now as it's been quite some time. I was devastated when we split (so were my family) and it's taken quite a while to recover but we get on okay now, mainly for the sake of our DS5. I went to his house tonight to collect my DS but they were only just sitting down to dinner (ExH, the OW/gf, my DS and her DD). He welcomed me in and offered me dinner as there was plenty and I politely declined but in I went and sat down (feeling a bit awkward) at the dinner table. OW offered me a cup of tea so I said okay, thank you. So there we were, all sat round the table chatting away like nothing bad had ever happened. It just felt so weird and it's hard to explain but I felt like I was betraying myself, if that makes sense? ExH was pretty ruthless when we split and didn't treat me that well - he's selfish and has zero empathy. We had to sell our family home as I couldn't afford to take it on and my DS and I ended up in a flat. ExH moved in with OW almost immediately into her 4 bed house and since then his career has rocketed and he's quite well off. I have a lovely flat and work life balance but money is tight and at 49, I'm having to claim tax credits for the first time in my life. Part of me tonight wanted to grab my son and just run for it but I just sat there as if nothing had happened. Can't really explain it. I still have some feelings for him because even though he is not a nice man I adored him when we were married and he's my little boy's Dad. It just all felt like a weird dream tonight and that I was watching myself. But it wasn't a dream; it was real. Do you think I should be bearing a grudge still or do you think it's commendable that I have kept my dignity? Everything I do is for my little boy - if he's happy so am I. How do others in my situation get on with the OW?

Well done you OP. The bitch in me would see this as payback time and Id be telling ex that you enjoyed being in the blended family so much that you would really like to set a good example to ds and would it be ok if you ate together every Sunday? Unfortunately as you live in a small flat you cannot have them over, it'll have to be in their house.

He'd have no compunction in swiping op away with zero respect as this suggestion, housing. Its not his idea!

Anyway, you don't want that again

Please do be careful about falling down rabbit holes re “narcissism”. It’s the trendy word to use now for people who can just be a bit of a dick. And it really can create drama and high emotion where just saying “he acted like a bit of a dick” doesn’t.
Ultimately everyone has narcissistic traits to a degree. But it’s unbelievable how many people use it now as the default way to describe anyone who’s not behaved too well, or they’ve clashed with.
If I had a pound for everyone who diagnosed people as narcissists, I’d never have to work again. It also has the side effect of sometimes making the finger-pointer look a bit unhinged themselves.
You know what your ex is like. He’s an ex. It’s great for your child, however, if you can be civil regardless of this, and rise above it.

I'd try not to know or get involved in anything to do with their lives, OP. Like asking about the gf' s bereavement and how she is. My advice would be to completely (or as far as humanly possible) remove yourself from anything in their lives, unless it directly affects your son. You don't sound indifferent to him yet. Which is where you want to be. And that means zero investment in their lives. I would also avoid analysing him. It will get you nowhere and will only mean you cling on. And remain invested. The place you want to be is not to give a shit. He isnt your problem anymore. Unless it directly impacts on your son. So please step away. Then and only then you will be free. Which is where you must aim to get to and is what you deserve in spades.

Hmm I'm not sure I entirely agree with you, P999. Ime of someone not unlike op's ex it was important for me to make some sense of the horror I had experienced at the hands of a disordered personality. There is trauma associated with being on the end of someone like this and you can't just turn away. You have to make some sense of it, or the trauma gobbles you up.

When I found info about NPD it was a great solace to me, that someone had documented the kind of things I had experienced, that it was recognised (no-one understood at all at the time - this was way back in the day). Knowledge is power and all that.

I don't know if my ex was or wasn't a narcissist but the info certainly helped my recovery. I had to objectify, dehumanise, him in a way in order to break the ties (and personalities like this don't seem human, so it's not hard to make them 2D bcs they actually present in a 2D way).

Though as a few of us said upthread, it's best not to get too enmeshed in thinking about how they operate (because it can send you a bit mad!). But a little knowledge goes a long way.

Other than that I agree completely not to get involved in the domestic details op. Don't let him get you cozy.

I genuinely asked out of shock- it was a really close relative who was killed and because DH had to do some domestic things with her, it changed our arrangements with DS. I think because he is still (indirectly) involved in my life, it's been so much harder to get free of him. Please dont misunderstand me; I don't hanker after him or lay in bed each night thinking of him. It's more a constant feeling of anxiety about what he's going to come out with next. If it wasnt for DS, he would've been out of my life three years' ago and it would be a very different story today. Thank you all for your continued comments on this thread - all welcome X

I'm glad to hear that OP. And where you want to be (not saying overnight!) is 100% free. My ex can be a twat at times with the kids. And do stupid things. I.e. they found out he had gf cos he was loudly talking about it to a friend when they were all in the car. But I shrug it off. Kids are resilient. And I go out of my way to not put myself in situations where I hear any of his ridiculous goings on. The less I know, the less anxious/ pissed off/ full of rage I feel! And in the last couple of months, it dawned on me that after almost 2 years of constant obsessing (that was me, not saying it is you!) I woke up and just felt meh. I can't tell you what a Great, liberating feeling it is. The thought of dinner with him doesn't fill me with anxiety. But I wouldn't do it cos think I would feel uncomfortable and I know he'd say or do something to piss me off. I really hope you eventually feel more shoulder shruggy about him. One day. You are brilliant. But i wonder if maybe a tad too nice for your own good??? X

Wrong blasted thread!