Surreal dinner with exH and OW

[Legallybleachblonde]

I don't even know if this is the right place to post but I've just had a really surreal evening and I don't know how to feel about it. My exH (we split three years ago) is now living with the OW he left me for. I suppose I shouldn't really refer to her as that now as it's been quite some time. I was devastated when we split (so were my family) and it's taken quite a while to recover but we get on okay now, mainly for the sake of our DS5. I went to his house tonight to collect my DS but they were only just sitting down to dinner (ExH, the OW/gf, my DS and her DD). He welcomed me in and offered me dinner as there was plenty and I politely declined but in I went and sat down (feeling a bit awkward) at the dinner table. OW offered me a cup of tea so I said okay, thank you. So there we were, all sat round the table chatting away like nothing bad had ever happened. It just felt so weird and it's hard to explain but I felt like I was betraying myself, if that makes sense? ExH was pretty ruthless when we split and didn't treat me that well - he's selfish and has zero empathy. We had to sell our family home as I couldn't afford to take it on and my DS and I ended up in a flat. ExH moved in with OW almost immediately into her 4 bed house and since then his career has rocketed and he's quite well off. I have a lovely flat and work life balance but money is tight and at 49, I'm having to claim tax credits for the first time in my life. Part of me tonight wanted to grab my son and just run for it but I just sat there as if nothing had happened. Can't really explain it. I still have some feelings for him because even though he is not a nice man I adored him when we were married and he's my little boy's Dad. It just all felt like a weird dream tonight and that I was watching myself. But it wasn't a dream; it was real. Do you think I should be bearing a grudge still or do you think it's commendable that I have kept my dignity? Everything I do is for my little boy - if he's happy so am I. How do others in my situation get on with the OW?

He tells you that stuff because he’s selfish and self absorbed. Are you dating? You sound lovely. Go out and bag yourself a kind lovely man. You deserve somebody wonderful.

Fair play, you have behaved impeccably you're an amazing mum.

Oh @poopbear I have tried! I had a short relationship after about ten months with a younger man which lasted 7 months and although it didnt work out, I look back on it fondly. I then saw someone last year who had quite serious depression and didn't like my close relationship with DS (I posted about it at the time) and binned him immediately! Now, my parents are both ill (alzheimers and stage 3 cancer) so I've been spending my free time with them. Think I'll be single forever. I dont really trust men much and fiercely protective of DS.

He always tells me how well he's doing at work etc and I think to myself 'why are you even telling me? I dont care!'.

Oh, I would care... Is he still paying you the right amount on CM? It was his tongue that brought my ex down.

I think you are amazing it must have been so hard but it's great for your son. I remember my parents not speaking and never being in the same room and though we had good times the biggest thing I remember is knowing they hate each other and I had to have 2 lives.

You don't need to be friends but the fact you can sit and wait is amazing, my dad used to refuse to come in and sit waiting for us in the car which was so much pressure for 2 little kids to be pulled in half. Well done you.

What an unpleasant and unnecessary comment!

It’s true though.

I think it’s a good thing. I’m not surprised it felt a bit awkward but you and your ex are going to be your sons parents for years and years so you might as well get on. I’ve known divorced couples who seem to get on well with each other. It’s so much better for the kids and it’s probably better for you too.

If you were holding a grudge you wouldn’t have gone in and sat down and been civil. Just sounds like you’re still hurting. Well done for being strong in this situation, I’m not sure I could be.

I'm not sure I would've done that. But, I think, all credit to you for doing so. If it helps, I bet the OW gave him hell once you had left!
I would though have my excuses ready for next time. Either no, I will take DS now and feed him when we get home, or no, I have jobs to do and will be back in 30 mins.
And, given your Ex is doing so well, please make sure that you are getting all the CMS you are entitled to.

It takes a lot of energy to hate and I just got tired of being angry at everything all the time. Equally though, I agree I need not put myself through these situations and having my nose rubbed in it, as a previous poster has said.

@EL0ISE

Thankyou for sticking up for me. I really appreciate it.

I get these comments a lot because guess what? The truth hurts.

If people actually knew what I have seen, witnessed and experienced then some MIGHT show an ounce of empathy.

I largely choose not to share because when you do share on here, some poison little pill will percieve challenge fuel and attack you when you are most vulnerable.

Been around on this board for I guess 12 years? Seen it so many times before.

So let's be clear. When a poster is attacked for their views when they are trying to help another; their narc traits are pretty much putting out the red bunting.

To the poster who said, 'Its true though'. Typical and so boring. Been challenged much, have we? Feeling anxious at something I've just written?

This is the OPs thread. Not mine. Stop deflecting and start helping her.

Sorry OP. Needed to be said.

You are a goddess OP.....I hope I could be fractionally as elegant as you were. You would be even MORE of a goddess if you didn’t give it any further thought...as we can be sure that exH and OW have certainly given it lots of thought. OW will be feeling very strange about it. You are very cool. You did a nice thing letting your little boy finish his supper.

You did amazingly and what a brilliant example to your little boy.
But try not to spend too much time with them or your ex - knowing too much about him or them is not good for your mental health.
But I agree - you did brilliantly on this one occasion! Much better than saying no and creating an awkward situation for your son

@75Renarde no worries at all 😊 definitely food for thought!

@Oly4 I agree with you.

just think the OW now has to listen to the stories of how great he is.

I don't think you were betraying yourself. The opposite. I think you were showing that you have continued to grow and have moved on. You can drink a civil cup of tea and be in the same room. It's not how you would have imagined things at the time of your marriage but you haven't let him destroy you. You seem to be heading for ambivalence. It's a good thing

Good! Well done OP. You were blindsided and you handled yourself impeccably.

The trick is not to get caught again.

The surreal feelings you are having is what I call the 'Empath Howlback'. This is when you are exposed to a situation where you need to keep your cool on the surface but inside you are going, WTAF???

It will pass. Keep posting.

ExH always refers to us as being a blended family - I hate that. It's almost like it's letting him off the hook but, the truth is, my DS was just 2 when he left and doesnt know any different. He calls OW's daughter his sister and her cousins are his cousins. Incredibly hard for me but it's his world as he knows it and I am not going to do anything to upset that.

What an unpleasant and unnecessary comment!

@AnneLovesGilbert isn’t wrong though.

Oh god, I’ve been in these situations where your inbuilt civility kicks in automatically and overrides your desire to tell someone to fuck off. I’ve had it with my ex - in some ways I think it’s good because the more emotional route tells them you’re still hung up on them/the situation whilst the more civil route suggests you’re over it, but from what you’ve said you could do with some polite distance. He doesn’t deserve you easing any guilt he might have.

You behaved so well in difficult circumstances. Be proud of yourself.
I'm really so sorry that things are tough with your parents health. I hope for better times for you in the future, you deserve it.

Total respect to you. I’m not sure I’d fave behaved so well.. kudos

Yup. I hear you on blended family.

I've had this too. Just an excuse to keep me engaged whilst triangulating me against the now new wife.

I have zero axe to grind against her. But she is being manipulated to a stunning degree. Goodness knows how many times in private he has used me against her. Not fair. Not on. Abusive.

He has even manipulated her into cyber stalking me. I've had to say to both their faces, cease and desist.

Blended families CAN work but not when there is a narc involved.

Ahh @MintyMabel

Another one.

Pray tell me, how is attacking me helping the OP?

Seriously?