Surreal dinner with exH and OW

[Legallybleachblonde]

I don't even know if this is the right place to post but I've just had a really surreal evening and I don't know how to feel about it. My exH (we split three years ago) is now living with the OW he left me for. I suppose I shouldn't really refer to her as that now as it's been quite some time. I was devastated when we split (so were my family) and it's taken quite a while to recover but we get on okay now, mainly for the sake of our DS5. I went to his house tonight to collect my DS but they were only just sitting down to dinner (ExH, the OW/gf, my DS and her DD). He welcomed me in and offered me dinner as there was plenty and I politely declined but in I went and sat down (feeling a bit awkward) at the dinner table. OW offered me a cup of tea so I said okay, thank you. So there we were, all sat round the table chatting away like nothing bad had ever happened. It just felt so weird and it's hard to explain but I felt like I was betraying myself, if that makes sense? ExH was pretty ruthless when we split and didn't treat me that well - he's selfish and has zero empathy. We had to sell our family home as I couldn't afford to take it on and my DS and I ended up in a flat. ExH moved in with OW almost immediately into her 4 bed house and since then his career has rocketed and he's quite well off. I have a lovely flat and work life balance but money is tight and at 49, I'm having to claim tax credits for the first time in my life. Part of me tonight wanted to grab my son and just run for it but I just sat there as if nothing had happened. Can't really explain it. I still have some feelings for him because even though he is not a nice man I adored him when we were married and he's my little boy's Dad. It just all felt like a weird dream tonight and that I was watching myself. But it wasn't a dream; it was real. Do you think I should be bearing a grudge still or do you think it's commendable that I have kept my dignity? Everything I do is for my little boy - if he's happy so am I. How do others in my situation get on with the OW?

He could have a sensitivity chip missing and feel that because his life is sorted and the dust has settled -you should be fine too.

How do you feel about letting him know that what happened made you uncomfortable, that his shitty treatment of you has not been forgotten and that when you collect your child he should be ready on time in future?

Do you think I should be bearing a grudge still or do you think it's commendable that I have kept my dignity? Everything I do is for my little boy - if he's happy so am I

There you go. As it should be, your DS is your focus. Your ex left you no choice, really, but to "behave" in front of him. No wonder you felt weird.

Concentrate on being the rock-solid centre to your DS's emotional well-being. Everything else is irrelevant. You are allowed to feel whatever you like about your ex - just don't show it! If you need to minimise contact (for you and him), do that. But otherwise sail serenely and calmly by, watching the odd behaviour if need be.

you sound great.

I wouldn't say anything myself. Gives him too much power. But I would text before pick ups so you can time your arrival without having to hang around. It is very possible that it was engineered. Cos they feel enough time had passed and, hey, let's all live and let live and be mates. You can assert those boundaries in a more aloof way by avoiding those situations. And try and look bored by their company if you can...

Well done on handling such an awkward situation with tremendous dignity! He sprung it on you and for the sake of your child you went along with it but you don't have to do it again - always text him first to check DS is ready, and if you arrive on time and he's not ready, then ex is definitely playing games so excuse yourself to make a call and wait in your car, phone in hand / ear buds in.

You sound like a lovely, well-balanced person who clearly wants the best for her son. Well done — next time there’s a risk you’ll end up in this type of situation, you can try being firm with “Sorry, very kind of you but really have to get going” and leave with the dignity and grace you clearly have.

My heart ached reading ur post OP. You are incredible. I really hope you find the one and your financial position drastically improves. You sound like an incredible mum. Xx

He sounds like he needs an audience. Bit of a pantomime telling you how well he is doing at work when he is living in a big house and you are in a flat 🤔

They put you on the spot and made you feel uncomfortable safe in the expectation that you would do the polite thing, defer to them and not complain or make an issue of it😡

I'd have been cheering inwardly knowing I didn't have yo live with the knobend any more.

You did the right thing. I imagine his motives were purely selfish as in look at me what a nice guy I am! Also to keep OW on her toes. After all, she knows he's a cheat.

Thank you for all your replies and lovely comments. The ex has taken on a rather supersilious air of late. He's forgotten where he came from, has alienated his parents and is intent on 'bettering' himself. He even speaks differently! I could write several posts on his behaviour. He revells in playing lord of the manor and has always been a manipulative type, wheedling his way into women's affections. Of course I didnt see all this until I was well out of it. Part of the problem is that ever since he told me he was leaving me, we have never been on our own together so I've never had that opportunity to vent (at him) and tell him what I really feel. He told me he was leaving when DS was playing in the room and every single conversation thereon has been in DS's presence (bar a few heated phone calls where I lost the plot and he just hung up on me). I so want to let go but it's hard when he's so heavily involved in his son's upbringing but that's a good thing right? I just need to make sure he doesnt cross the boundaries into my space. I no longer love or hate him, he's just 'there' and whilst I wish he could have just disappeared three years' ago, that would not have been the best thing for DS.

And as for OW, she's ok I suppose. She was on her own for a while before my ex came along and he used to go to her house and do odd jobs for her (he has a trade) so she probably feels he's her knight in shining armour. I see him very differently. He established his position in her life and it was all set up ready to go to before he left. I still don't think he's a clever man but he has absolutely no qualms about who he hurts in his mission to 'progress'. I think for that alone he is very dangerous.

You've done so well being rid of this awful man and I didn't recommend the Chump Lady book/website earlier but maybe it would be useful to you now to help you process your feelings - he made sure you didn't have a chance to have your say at the time. It also has useful advice about clearing him out of your head. I've found it to be lifeline personally. I have it on audiobook in the car or when I'm walking the dog.

I would not be comfortable with what you describe - he put you in a position where you essentially had to play ball and sit down and be involved in their family dinner. You did not really get a say because courtesy dictates that you be polite in such a situation.

Basically dinner should have been served and finished before you arrived or there should have been a text to you explaining they were running late.

Whatever is going on in his head, you do not want to get sucked into. Can you do hand overs in a neutral place so you do not have to go into his house? Or at least ask him to text if they are running late so you can plan your time accordingly? I would just try to close down whatever weird nonsense is going on. Cosy blended families is fine if both parents want it, but you have described the dynamic as weird, you were bounced into the situation, and your ex was (is) in control, it was not a free choice on your part.

Ahh thank you - I shall give that a Google a bit later 😊

I think you did a great job :) my ExH and I are not on those terms but definitely being more amicable as time goes on.

My parents though actually now get on better than I remember doing when they were together. They split when I was 10. Dad found a new GF (now wife) pretty quickly (don't know if there was overlap 😳) but all three get on well. All three went to my sister's parents' evenings 20 odd years ago and even now (25 years on) my mother went up to their house 400 miles away for Christmas this year (first time she wasn't working it in all that time) to stay with them for a week with my two sisters.

Perfect example of things working out for the best!

agree with everyone about how brilliantly you handled this ! as others have said I would not do it again though - you have no reason to put yourself through it. Unlike them, you have put your DS first -and I don't think he needs to see you all drinking tea together to feel secure!, but at the same time you can be civil and polite, which you are. The suggestion that you should 'move on' by finding a new bloke is bollocks. You have moved on! Massively. . You don't sound at all bitter. It's a similar time frame for me, same scenario only they now have a baby. Luckily I don't have to see them as they don't live locally - and I really don't want to... I meet exh because of dc, perfectly civil. politely excuse myself if there's ever a chance I might bump into the new family - I don't want to put myself through that. I don't love him or even like him anymore after everything that happened. some friends of mine though (who've never been through anything like this) think I haven't 'moved on' and holding on to some kind of rancour as I'm still on my own (my choice), haven't forgiven him, don't wish him well and go out of my way not meet the ow. I realise now it's perfectly fine for all these feelings to exist together. I have no bitterness and pretty positive I'm happier than him now.. doesn't mean I have to 'forgive him' and act like it's all water under the bridge. We haven't had the family event scenario yet but maybe in a few years I'll be ok with it. Anyway - I get where you're coming from and totally understand the surreal feelings you had. Good on you for doing it!

You are braver and more dignified than I would have been able to be. Well done, but don’t let your ex put you in uncomfortable situations, it’s ok to set your boundaries as to what’s acceptable and comfortable for you and stick to them.

Wow op, what a strange set up to find yourself in and well done for handling yourself so well. You were brilliant

I am lucky in that I have never (knowingly) been in an intimate relationship with a narc, but I have met a few during my life in the form of friends or acquaintances. One thing I have observed about every one of them: I have had situations where I have felt strangely discombobulated or unnerved in their presence, and my only way of getting through it has been by ‘selling’ my soul by acting in a way that feels fake and untrue to myself. The triangulation is an interesting one and I have noticed certain friends doing this; it’s all about being the one in control and makes the other two parties feel very bewildered.

I’m not sure if I’m making much sense but he does seem very narc and it’s not at all about ‘being kind’ and all magnanimous towards his women. It’s all about control and reassuring himself that he’s ‘nice’ because a ‘nasty’ person wouldn’t invite his ex in for a cosy supper with his gf!

I remember my dad and his new wife being invited for Christmas dinner by my mum. I was only 11 or so but even now (I’m 56) I remember the strained atmosphere and I couldn’t understand why she had done it. Still don’t but sticks in my memory.

I think it’s great you did that for your son. I am a child of a bitter divorce (father cheated) and the horrible behaviour from both parents just caused problems for all us kids. If you can be the bigger person for your son that’s an amazing thing and good for you.

Exactly that, I was faking it. Playing a part. I felt a bit dizzy like I wasn't really there. Hard to explain

You've painted quite a vivid picture of him in a few short sentences. He sounds shallow and image obsessed. It's very possible to co-parent well with minimal contact. And for tour kuds to thrive. I do it. And it's better for them as he's not in my head. He was a cunt. I'd have more respect for someone who admitted they were a selfish cunt and didn't care. That's not what he's doing. He wants to be thought of as nice. Brush his brutalbehaviour under the carpet. Am guessing he never apologised or acknowledged what he did to you? If that's the case, it's 100% fine to have a distant co parenting relationship. You are not trying to divide your sons loyalties. Fuck them. They sound smug and a bit deluded. And I include OW in that too. Ugh.

I think it does matter how we carry ourselves with our exes. However I don’t think it is helpful to say that being friendly is good for the kids... personally I don’t think it is. Low conflict yes. Good boundaries yes. Dignified yes. Being pals when the undercurrents are totally the opposite is not what we should teach our children.

As your senses rightly picked up OP. Manipulation is the enemy of moving on after divorce, and in a sense you were being manipulated.

Listen to your instincts. Going in and sitting at their table only served your ex in a number of ways:

• that he could show OW what a great guy he is, he could say look, I even am so nice to Ex wife even though she was awful.
• he can make OW a bit insecure by saying that he can invite you into his home whenever he likes. It’s not very respectful of the OW.
• he can pretend he wasn’t such a bad guy after all. To his son and to everyone.
• he can feel less guilty.

It’s all for him.

This man is a Predator, he has no scruples,you have identified him as dangerous OP and yet you think it's a good thing that he has heavy involvement in your son's life, why do you think it's a good thing that your son has a Predator in his life, do you think he will be different with your son?
My guess is that he sees this child as a handy lever that he can use in order to get what he wants children are very easy to manipulate and a great way to get at you, after all he used to the pickup time as an opportunity to make you feel uncomfortable.
Beware