How soon/long after starting dating someone would you expect to feel important to them?

[CherryRedDocs]

As the title says.

This is someone I met in real life. I don't date generally and he says that he doesn't either.

We see each other most weekends and once mid week most weeks for some sort of context.

Its giving a context to me asking him. That's all.

You're lying to him though? That's not the context.

This entire thread is about you desperately wanting him to tell you you're his gf. This long predated people at the party asking about it.

It's got nothing to do with anything except you wanting to know. Pretending it's to do with others is twisting the truth and it is manipulative.

But, I mean, its your text message. I'm just telling you how it seems, I am NT though

rvby

I've clearly rubbed you up the wrong way. I can only be who and what I am. I can't pretend to be NT and I never will be. All I can do is navigate the NT world as best I can.

He already knows something was 'up' with me on Saturday night despite my best efforts and so there's no.point pretending I'm cool and 'confident' because he already knows the truth.

OP you say you want someone honest and direct. And yet you're not prepared to be. I wouldn't end it if you like him just because you won't have an open conversation. That's not very grown up. And you can't have an equal relationship if you are always waiting in a man to lead you. Give him a chance at least to say what he feels.

I'm not rubbed the wrong way - I'm frustrated that you refuse to take charge of your anxieties, and as such, you'll only create more anxieties.

The way you propose communicating with him will increase the chances that you'll get an unclear or dishonest answer. You'll then freak out about that for another month or two. It just seems massively counter productive and yet you insist on doing this to yourself.

When you could just ask, and know, and move on as appropriate with much more security that you have the truth.

But, again, ask however you like, hopefully you get a really clear answer despite couching the question with loads of extraneous things

OP I kind of agree you need to just cut to the chase and forgot the context of the party.

What you want to know is, does he feel the same about this being an exclusive relationship now as that's how you feel. Just ask that.

Cherry - I think that you are trying to hard and over adapting .... you said with your autistic friends you are just blunt with each other and no one takes offence but you struggle with understanding social communication more generally - I think that you are trying too hard to not be blunt but the pendulum has swung to far towards a message that might be too vague and confusing?

Keep it simple and direct - even if it is a little blunt a good kind man will respond appropriately.

Good for you realising you need to end it. Yeh you should both feel a bit important to each other from the start and it should gradually grow.

This thread is exasperating me and not because of your posts @CherryRedDocs! Do people actually read your posts, explaining about being autistic and therefore having difficulties with ‘reading between the lines’ so to speak? Before they give advice that’s probably ok for some NTs but by no means for everyone?
Do not jump into ending it because you don’t ‘see’ or ‘hear’ any clear signals/evidence from him. He might just be awkward himself about expressing his feelings. He certainly sounds as though he cares for you very much. Maybe he is taking things slowly, it’s only been a few months. And to be honest, and looking at it from the opposite angle, if he was lovebombing you at this stage, I’d be more wary. Your best bet, as it does seem to be tormenting you, is to ask him outright. And if F2F is too uncomfortable or awkward for you, then go with one of the last couple of texts you posted here. Like you said, you can only ever be yourself. You sound absolutely amazing, with great self awareness and a natural desire to be a special someone’s first and only choice. I really hope he’ll give you the response you are waiting for and I do wish you real happiness!

I'm getting older and I just want a nice, comfortable, proper relationship. I don't want to be someone's 'good enough for now'.

Most of us who have been a bit older meeting a partner have felt this way. It is completely understandable.

am I your girlfriend or just someone you are happy to have around in the absence of an girlfriend?

This sounds like you undervalue yourself. Please don't say it. If we undervalue ourselves, it leads the way to others undervaluing us too.

Reading what you have written today, I think I would just ask him directly. You can do this without sounding as if you are asking him to commit to you for the next ten or twenty years.

I would urge you to take the lead and tell him how you feel, that you'd like to take the relationship to the next level and call him your boyfriend. Say it jokingly if you like or tell him its your autism - say it in whatever way you feel is best - but ask him if he feels the same way? If he doesn't, then he is not the one for you. If he does feel the same way, it is fair that you treat him as an equal and expose your own feelings before asking him to expose his.

Remember this could be the beginning of a long relationship with this man. It has to be worth a shot.

Have a glass of wine first :) I genuinely hope this works out well for you.

I think I have my answer.

He said that 'boyfriend' was better than other things he could be called. But when I tried to clarify what that meant and whether that's how he saw us, he didn't reply.

Thanks for all your help.

Can you say exactly what you said and what he said, op? We might spot something you can't

And he may still reply?

I sent "Hi. I hope that you don’t mind me asking this by text. I felt a little awkward on Saturday night because people kept asking if it is going well with us and referred to you as my boyfriend. I was very aware that it's not something we've discussed, although it was very nice to hear! I just wondered what your thoughts are on it?"

His reply was, "My thoughts on the term 'boyfriend'? Better that than '----' 🤣" (label could be outing).

I replied and said that was definitely true but he knew what I meant and is that how he saw it.

He didn't reply.

And he may still reply?

It's possible he might phone or I might have to bring it up if I see him again but I doubt he'll reply by message.

Well done for sending the text. Hopefully he'll reply and you will have clarity. Reading your posts I wondered if he too might be autistic and struggling to articulate or even recognise how he feels.

I think with relationships you do often "know" deep down whether something is working or not. It sounds like there is something missing from your relationship that will continue to frustrate you. It doesn't seem that he wants to open up emotionally for whatever reason. It could be that he always struggles with this, or it could be that he's not feeling very deeply about this relationship.

It sounds like the lack of emotional connection isn't something you're comfortable with. But see what his response is. Hopefully he'll call you and be able to talk it through.

I think with relationships you do often "know" deep down whether something is working or not.

Yes I think I agree with that. And for me at least, not being in a relationship is better than being in one, furiously waiting and hoping the other person will feel the same way in time.

Don’t send any more messages OP. The ball is in his court.

It doesn't seem that he wants to open up emotionally for whatever reason. It could be that he always struggles with this, or it could be that he's not feeling very deeply about this relationship.

Tbh, that's a conversation I've considered having with him a few times and one i think is probably more important really.

After last night's exchange, I'm not feeling any more certain but I am feeling more confident about discussing things with him. Largely because I think I've reached 'crisis point' with it.

I'm seeing him at the weekend. I'll try to discuss it then and suspect I'll make a decision even if he's not prepared to.

I just don't understand why he is going along with it if he isn't interested.

Don’t send any more messages OP. The ball is in his court.

No, I'm not going to.

Just not sure what to do about this: we have tickets to go somewhere at the end of the week and have already made plans for meeting for dinner etc beforehand etc so there are no plans to confirm as such.

What I do if I just dont hear from him at all?

When would you usually have confirmed weekend times?

Around Wednesday or Thursday if the plans were roughly made but just needed finalising, but we talked about it on Sunday and agreed then so there is no need.

His reply was, "My thoughts on the term 'boyfriend'? Better that than '----' 🤣" (label could be outing).

That’s the point at which you reply in a similarly lighthearted tone, saying something like “haha ok that’s great to hear! Looking forward to next weekend. Have a great week x”.

He’s saying that he likes the sound of being called your boyfriend but he’s doing it in a flippant manner, presumably because having a serious conversation over text message makes him feel a little uncomfortable.

Are you sleeping with each other? If so surely this is the kind of conversation that’s better had face to face - once you’ve reached that level of intimacy.

I don’t know why I’m bothering to post given that you ignored so much good advice earlier in the thread, mind you.

Blimey OP, he's a slippery so and so. He knows exactly what you're asking, and he's determined to clarify nothing.

I really feel for you, it's upsetting.

THIS - Blimey OP, he's a slippery so and so. He knows exactly what you're asking, and he's determined to clarify nothing.