How soon/long after starting dating someone would you expect to feel important to them?

[CherryRedDocs]

As the title says.

This is someone I met in real life. I don't date generally and he says that he doesn't either.

We see each other most weekends and once mid week most weeks for some sort of context.

Have you spoken to him @CherryRedDocs?

But there is a difference between a relationship that is open ended and one where one person already knows it will definitely end at some point.

Having been in the latter, I agree.

SoTiredTonight

I did. Sort of. Well I tried.

I asked him how he was feeling about 'us' and where he saw it going.

He said he enjoys spending time with me and enjoys my company. (He's never in a particular hurry to get rid of me or to get away from me. I spent from Friday night until this morning with him.)

He said he's still happy to see where it goes and doesn't have an 'end date' in sight.

He told me I smelt nice (perfume) and that I looked nice when we went out on Friday night. We stayed up until the early hours on Saturday morning just chatting about all sorts. We get on well and laugh a lot. It felt a lot better than it has done previously - perhaps because i was fretting less about it and felt more relaxed - but still not quite 'right'. Or 'enough' maybe.

I still think an emotional connection is lacking - he just gives nothing away. It was all very matter of fact and felt a bit perfunctory, if I'm honest. There didn't seem to be any emotion involved. When he hugged me goodbye this morning, even that felt lacking in emotion. He responded to me well enough but didn't give any more than that.

Guess I just don't feel like he's 'falling in love' with me. I feels more like I imagine a very long, well established relationship to feel.

And I want to be able to fall in love and have someone fall in love with me.

We went to the theatre on friday night. He held my hand pretty much the whole way through but there were no squeezes or 'thumb strokes' - do you know what I mean? Nothing that was anymore than interlocking fingers.

I do it to him but he rarely reciprocates.

But I obviously can't say "I don't feel like you're falling in love with me" because, after only 3.5 months, would he be anyway?

Guess there's just a lack of 'warmth'

I've just had a 'hello' message from a mutual friend asking how the theatre was and there was more warmth in that message than I feel from him. But i have seen that he's a bit like that generally with people. The only person I've seen more warmth with is the mutual friend I let the other day but she's known him for close to 3 decades.

He treats me impeccably - very considerate; mindful of my comfort; he looks after well.when I'm with him. I'm looking to buy something that he also has an interest/knowledge in and he is sending me related info when we're not together. So he does think about me when I'm not around.

Actually, that's just reminded me of something. He went out with a friend midweek to a show and something reminded him of me. He was telling me about it and started to say "when they said X, I thought of you" but he stopped himself and conveyed the same info but without the 'thought of you' bit. Along the lines of "... and I thought of... well I thought it was something you'd probably understand".

He speaks very well of people generally and hasn't criticised any exes. He has lost contact with a friend who it sounds like treated him quite poorly he won't even speak badly of him and offers mitigation and just expresses disappointment in how it turned out and a regret that there was maybe something he could have done and didn't.

So i don't think he'd set out to hurt me or treat me badly. I think it's just how he is.

I do understand what you are going through and I had this with an ex partner before. I kept going for 18 months because there seemed no real solid reason to stop. But I always felt like this and that he was not falling in love with me. But then I realised I wasn’t falling in love with him either and when we ended I was a bit angry with him but nothing traumatic affected me. I did miss him but it just naturally ended and I was ok
I can’t say I regret staying with him because we may have fallen in love, we just didn’t

I don’t know what to tell you to do. You can either just enjoy what you do have a live in this moment or you can stop seeing him and make yourself free again to try to find the love you think you want

You ask if after 3.5 months would he be falling in love with you? Perhaps not, but he should be showing you more than perfunctory displays of affection. Does he stop when walking along to kiss you? Does he send random “just saying hi” texts?

This is what, in my opinion, shows a new dating partner that you are important to them. Of course, everyone is different. But you are 3 months in, spend a fair amount of time together.

Has he been badly hurt in previous relationship? Maybe he is protecting himself?

find the love you think you want

That's the crux of it really.

I've had that before and those relationships have always ended badly after only a few months because it superficially looked like what I want at this stage - great emotional connection; openness; closeness but it's never turned out to he real.

I can't work out if this is maybe a 'slow burner'and whether I should be just taking it for what it is and take the pressure off myself and him.

And then I think "but..."

Does he stop when walking along to kiss you? Does he send random “just saying hi” texts?

Not really. He has sent a few messages over this past week (after I messaged him with the boyfriend comment) that had no purpose other than just making contact because I was in his thoughts.

I do the stopping and kissing thing and he seems to like it. He smiles and reciprocates but he doesn't really initiate spontaneous kissing.

From our mutual friend, I learnt that he had his heart broken very badly about 20 years ago and that his subsequent long term relationship was one that he just sort of fell into and stayed in because it felt like the right thing to do at the time. By all accounts, they weren't hugely compatible but he treated her well.

He's had a couple of short things since but nothing serious. Apparently his friends have been trying to introduce him to single friends for years but it didn't work out - hence he's been completely single for a few years and only brief things before that.

I think his emotional closed off ness was a factor.

"If you are happy then I can’t see a big rush to agree to be boyfriend / girlfriend"

I wonder if this is a generational thing. They've been together for 3 months, sounds like they're sleeping together but he's not her boyfriend? Why would you carry on with someone who doesn't want to be your boyfriend?

When we've been out with mutual friends, he is quite affectionate then - has his arm round me, checks I'm ok, hold my hand and i have since been told that some of them were surprised to see this because they've not really seen him do that before.

But then I feel like I'm clutching at straws saying that.

Given his history, maybe he just doesn’t know how to be in a relationship. It does sound as though he struggles with being emotionally intimate, so keeps himself distant.

I guess it’s a question of, given what his friends have said, do you stay and see if things improve if the relationship is generally good. Or, if you feel in your heart that he is not fulfilling you is it time to end things?

Maybe over time he will trust you, see that you aren’t going to hurt him. That can take a long time.

Yes, maybe Coffeshopgirl

I have been assuming in all of this that he just wasnt interested enough in me but maybe it does reveal more about him.

I like him. I wouldn't hurt him. At least, not intentionally and not through selfish or thoughtless actions.

I don't know, I've liked him from afar for a couple of years. I couldn't believe my luck when he asked me out and it just kind of felt like things should have fallen into place a lot more easily than this.

I was quite surprised early on when he seemed to be trying to 'impress' me - I think, in the past, he's maybe felt the need to do that to mitigate what he perceives as his shortcomings. I don't need to be impressed. I need to be with someone who is authentic and real. Who will allow themselves to be vulnerable. I'm not shallow.

Perhaps I need to try and initiate more emotional conversations. We talk for hours about films, politics, society etc just not about ourselves. I'm quite open about myself and have shared some stuff with him. He has share somethings with me that were quite emotional but, on reflection, they weren't about his feelings as such.

I don't know. If it's a 'me' issue (ie he's just not that into me), then I'd rather walk away. If it's a 'him' issue then I'll stick around for a while longer and see how things pan out. I like him.

This poor guy. He does everything right, doesnt actively slobber on you, and yet here he is being judged and called names for it...

3.5 months is nothing. Many many people dont get attached that quickly. My dp is avoidant and it has taken him YEARS to get really attached.

If you dont like the way this guy is, for the love of God just let him go. Someone will love him as he is, that person is not you and that's ok. You are trying to shoehorn yourself into this relationship and it's completely unnecessary and counter productive.

He's told you he likes spending time with you and is super nice to you. If that isnt enough for you then move on.

Perhaps OP if you keep the thought in mine

If it's a 'him' issue then I'll stick around for a while longer and see how things pan out. I like him.

You will feel more in control of your destiny and less vulnerable?

I completely understand where you are coming from. I can’t advise you as I don’t know him but from what you have written he sounds interested and kind.

Have you asked him where he sees himself in ten years time? If he ever sees himself moving abroad, wanted to be a father when he was younger, likes house sharing or living by himself. Please do not ask him all these directly or in the same conversation but you can see where I am going hopefully? And having some idea of these things brings you a greater understanding whether this is somebody you want to be with too. It isn’t just him ‘choosing’ you. It is about you choosing him too.

I was in a relationship like this and can completely see what you mean. He does the ‘right’ things but something just is t right.

My hunch was right, he wasn’t that in to me.

When I went on to meet my now husband, it was COMPLETELY different and it highlighted all the stuff that was missing from the previous guy. I was completely sure of this ones feelings as he made sure that I felt how much he liked me. He made sure there was no doubt.

My dp is avoidant and it has taken him YEARS to get really attached.

How did you know that sticking around was the right thing to do?

I didnt
I just liked spending time with him. So I spent time with him.

Do you understand that there is no way to be certain? Like... literally... you keep obsessing over how you can be certain but there is NO way.

It's not an investment opportunity, you can't assess it in advance and then be able to predict how things will progress... it's a relationship... it's not predictable, its something that is fun until it isn't, and then when it isn't, you end it.

He could love you 1000% and then one day get a head injury and forget who you are and end up shagging men and telling you he hates you. There is literally no way of knowing. You're just meant to let it happen and stop doing it when you dont want to continue.

Yeah, I do get that. Obviously. But I didn't want to become emotionally attached to him if he already knew it was never going to be that for him.

Did you never wonder if you were wasting your time or worry about getting hurt?

I know I can't safeguard against getting hurt in any real capacity but I can avoid falling for someone who already knows they are never going to feel that way about me.

It's not that I want to be certain of everything I just don't want to waste my time and get hurt if I can help it. And I don't know how to contextualize my feelings without a context. Maybe that is also an 'autistic' thing but I can't always interpret my feelings. Sometimes I just feel and that's always painful because emotions don't 'feel' nice until they have a clearer context.

That's all really.

I guess I'll just get back to letting it happen...

3.5 months is a really short time for someone with his r-ship history AND this type of personality (practica/ helpful rather that expressive or artistic)!

He's been hurt so needs a lot of time to trust and let his emotions show. He's obviously just not great at being expressive or initiating affection, for some pepole it takes a while to come out of their protective shell, he's just simply not confident.

Yes I get it that he might know that it's not going to long term, but going by his actions and how he does show care when you are out with his friens, and chat for hours - he definitely does think it's possible. He may wat to believe that but prefers to be careful and take time , not just for him but for you to be sure.

I think he'd tell you straight after your questions, if he knew he doesn't see it as seroius, he's got integrity by the sounds of it so wouldnt deliberately mislead yo uwhen you shown concern. It's just very early days.

p.s. I get it that you'd prefer a more passionate approach, but IME and from your experience too, these passionate guys cool down equally quickly!

CatAndHisKit

Thank you. That makes a lot of sense.

I didn't want to become emotionally attached to him if he already knew it was never going to be that for him.

ok, but he doesn't know? He is no more able to tell the future than you are. He cannot know. He can imagine he knows; he can pretend he knows; but he doesnt know. Neither do you. By your own admission, you dont know how YOU feel. What makes you think he knows how he feels? Even in the present moment, let along predicting the future?

At 3.5 months in, I can almost guarantee you that my own dp would have said "yeah we have fun together and shes a cracking shag but who knows really". And he will have meant it.

Did you never wonder if you were wasting your time or worry about getting hurt?

What does "wasting my time" mean? It's not time wasted if it was time enjoyed. Do you like to be around him? Do you enjoy him? If so, there is no time wasted even if it ends tomorrow!

Did I worry about getting hurt? I mean... occassionally I'd think, gosh it would be sad if this ended. But I knew I'd survive it, and it was worth risking pain in exchange for the pleasure of being around him.

Can you say the same?

I can avoid falling for someone who already knows they are never going to feel that way about me. No you absolutely cannot. Because no one knows whether they will love someone. He doesnt know. He barely knows you. You barely know him. How could either of you know??

You are literally trying to figure out how you can force an ordinary mortal man to tell the future. So that you can be less anxious. Think about that expectation for a minute...

Your actual problem is you can't manage anxiety in general. You need to develop coping skills and stop imagining impossible things, like future predictions, exist and will comfort you. Can you address this in therapy?