How soon/long after starting dating someone would you expect to feel important to them?

[CherryRedDocs]

As the title says.

This is someone I met in real life. I don't date generally and he says that he doesn't either.

We see each other most weekends and once mid week most weeks for some sort of context.

The thing is, this guy doesn't seem to not be making an effort. He's doing all the right things. It's just that he's not been the first one to say where he sees the relationship. The OP wants to know, but doesn't want to ask. She's expecting him to be a mind reader.

Lol. It took me almost a year to admit that the man i was seeing was actually my bf.

You say you want certainty... you know that doesnt exist, right? Like.. there is no such thing. There's literally only "seeing what happens". Slowly, over time, "what happens" tends to be more predictable. But only children think that assurances of anything, especially when you have barely been dating yet, are all talk. To the extent that they are almost insulting, tbh.

Can you not just talk to him about how you feel? Dumping him for the imagined offence of not liking you enough after 3 months is, to be frank, verging on comical. Surely you can see how ridiculous you're being? Normal grown ups just mention their feelings and have discussions... it's not brain surgery??

It took me almost a year to admit that the man i was seeing was actually my bf.

But presumably you both know you liked and were attracted to each other before then? Compliments were accepted and reciprocated?

He doesn't talk about how he feels about anything. I don't have a clue.

I know there's not certainty or guarantees but I don't have a clue.

I assume he quite likes me because he spends a some of his time with me and willingly met some of my friends.

I'm just trying to understand whether it's moving slowly or not at all.

Actually, I think I've realised that the crux of is that I expect him.to reject me so I'm trying to think of a way of telling him how I feel that doesn't leave me too vulnerable when the inevitable rejection occurs.

And, if it's just me worrying over nothing, I don't want to fuck it up by saying the wrong thing.

We've got tickets to something in a couple of weeks and we were talking about a doing something one weekend in March which will require an overnight stay somewhere but i can't shift the feeling that he's lost interest and these are the pieces I'm trying to put together.

Almost straight away! The butterflies when you know you are going to see them, getting excited because they are home from work and will call ... if he's not feeling at all like that now will he ever?

No. I dont think so. But then maybe he does feel like that and i dont know.

Tbh, i couldn't talk on the phone every night - I dont talk on the phone at all if I can help it - and i don't like lengthy message exchanges. I'm not a big texter and neither is he. We both need our own time and space.

But I just don't very often feel like I'm in his thoughts unless we're together.

I'm seeing him at the weekend. I think I'll have to say something then.

I'm just very conscious that most weeks he'll ask me what I'm doing in the week or if I'm busy but it's left to me to suggest things and I don't know if he's just being mindful of the fact I have children and a full on job by leaving it to me to initiate something if i can or if he's just not interested. So this week, I've had a crazy work week and worked at home every night. This is the first week we wont have seen each other mid week and it's because I haven't suggested it - I know that if I had, we would unless he had other plans. So it wouldn't be incorrect assumption in many ways. And I know he's been busier than usual but his evenings are free but there's been no explicit - "i'm too busy to do anything this week" and I dont know of his lack of suggestion is him trying to he respectful of my life commitments or a lack of interest.

I'm the wrong person to comment as I dont like people very often and when I do rarely like someone they are special to me right off the bat.

For men though I don't know.

Some men and women aren’t good at talking about their feelings. He clearly likes you and sees a future (at least in the short term) - meeting friends, booking tickets, talking about nights away....
If you don’t like talking on the phone or texting midweek, and like your own time and space, then this sounds perfect for you and he may well be just respecting your wishes. Supposing he asked to see you midweek because he misses you, would you feel like that was an imposition?

It wouldnt be an imposition, no. I wouldnt always be able to but at least I'd know he wanted to!

I don't think he is good at talking about his feelings. He doesn't talk about how he feels much about anything.

He always seems keen enough to meet up if I suggest it.

So he wants/is happy to see more of you.

Is there much sexual chemistry between you?

I'd give it 'till next Friday. If it's a bit rubbish, there's a conversation to be had.

Give him the opportunity to start initiating meetups. Not just once, not just this wee k. If he's more than just a bit interested, he ' ll make the effort. If he doesn't, well, you'll know where you stand.

bigTillyMint yes but i think that's wanted a bit but largely because I'm finding it difficult to be relaxed and confident enough around him because of such uncertainty.

He seems keen and there are no 'issues'.

I'm seeing him on Saturday. I dont see any point in leaving it any longer than that to have a conversation. I'm not sure what another week would bring beyond me feeling like this for another week and possibly ending it due to just wanting this feeling to stop. Tbh.

It seems the norm these days to ask your “friend” if they will be your girlfriend or boyfriend (in my DCs peer groups) - no idea how old you are but would this be a “thing” for you?

DelphiniumBlue

He has done. And definitely at weekends. I suppose it's the mid week stuff really that seems to be down to me.

bigTillyMint

No, I'm far too old for game playing and wasting my time on someone whose not that into me, which is why this has become such an issue I suppose.

I dont know if I'm supposed to just realise I'm his girlfriend. Or not.

You're gonna end up single through your own behaviour...

When you force the conversation it's either going to confirm for you he isn't that in to you, or you'll limp on for a while longer until you'll find something else to obsess over and eventually get the result you expect.

Just chill out!

When you ‘had you chat’ about 6 weeks in, he was lovely, kind & affectionate and worried you were going to end it.

I know that was 6 weeks ago (I have cheese older than that, but I know in dating terms that’s practically a life time ago!) so I don’t think there’s any reason why he won’t be the same now. Who knows if he feels the same as then or if he would like more or less niw, but essentially I think he’ll be open to talking about how you both feel if you bring it up.

What you have isn’t making you happy, so you need to talk to him, he’s possibly actually taken something you’ve said further than you’ve intended ( taking it slow, not taking too much time away from your kids, being too busy for a full on relationship/ whatever)

You don’t like text exchanges to chat, you don’t like talking in the phone, you have kids, you’re busy...he’s probably
Pushed for ways to let you know he’s thinking about you tbh.

You’re also a bit insecure.

You’re worried about it ending if he doesn’t want more and realises you do, but woukd that really be SO bad? Yes it would be sad, but if you’re not on the same page then it’s not really any Liss because it’ll never be right:enough for you

You don’t have to give him an ultimatum just talk to him.

I know you ‘don’t know what to say’ Maybe start by saying you missed seeing him this week & take it from there.

I do think you might be holding him at arms length but are them complaining he’s not coming any closer. Don’t let your insecurity spoil this 🌷

I think you should just step back for a bit to see if he steps up.
Personally I would rather be with someone whose actions speak louder.
If he not said you are exclusive you are free to date other people?
Not to use this as a tactic to make him 'jealous' please dont do that! But genuinely see who else is out there?
If he really feels he could miss out on an exclusive relationship with you he will either step up or it will fizzle out anyway?
Step back now you dont have to give big dramatic ultimatums? Just get on with your own stuff but see what else is out there. Which I guess you would do if you finish this more formally?
I had a short relationship after my divorce with a guy who wanted to 'see where it goes' and I felt very conflicted and a bit used. But looking back I was driving the relationship and he was happy to go with flow.
I backed off but he didnt pursue me it just fizzled to nothing. But I was hurt when 8 weeks later he met someone and declared to the world she was his GF and they were in a relationship. So I guess I just didnt inspire that in him or he wasnt sure.
I then met my now DH and he really locked it down. I said lets go slow but he said he didnt want to risk losing me. He had been single for some time but said it felt right.
Dont give him too much headspace but widen your search time will tell if he steps up.

OP, you are self-sabotaging and you will end up throwing away something potentially good, for no reason.

Just talk to him. Ask him how he feels about you. Suggest you call each other GF/BF/P or whatever. Men tend sometimes to be "seeing where it goes" indefinitely, which is a covert commitment avoidance. BUT, everything he is doing (though not saying) says he is in a relationship with you and happily so. You may have to drag out the "feelings" discussion from him, but you need clarity. Don't preempt by ending it before you've given him a chance.

He seems to be doing everything right except saying " I want to be your bf"?

It's only 3 months fgs . Isn't it roughly about 6 months before people seem to know/say etc ? With these ridiculous 3 month rules you are expecting too much !

When I met my DP, it was only ever going to be casual due to the fact he lived 4000 miles away, was only in my area for a month or so and was then going home. This suited me just fine.

We met, spent a week or so dating (we both had plenty of spare time so went for walks/coffee and had one evening night in...) and then he was going away on a pre-booked trip alone for two weeks. I did not expect him to think about me or contact me but he sent me photos every day of the places he'd been and asked what I was up to. Then we met up again when he came back.

We weren't in a relationship nor were going to be but I felt like I mattered to him - and he did end up moving back here so I was on to something! My point is I never had to second-guess. I knew he liked me and cared about me even when I wasn't trying to make a long-term thing out of it.

Next Friday....as in Valentine's day.