How soon/long after starting dating someone would you expect to feel important to them?

[CherryRedDocs]

As the title says.

This is someone I met in real life. I don't date generally and he says that he doesn't either.

We see each other most weekends and once mid week most weeks for some sort of context.

I know that one woman told him she was really pleased that he'd found someone lovely and he'd said to her that it had been 3 months now but she didn't say anything else and so he didn't appear to have corrected her but then I'm not sure he would have.

OP That sounds really positive. He is counting the time since you entered his life. I understand you want to make things ‘official’. I honestly think from what you have said he sounds lovely as do you.

You sound such a lovely person that I hope it works out for you both. Your text is great but I wonder whether using 'lie' so often comes over as a bit OTT? What about something more like this:

'I felt a bit uncomfortable on Saturday night because people kept asking if it is going well with us and referring to you as my boyfriend and it didn't feel right to allow people to think you are my boyfriend when I don't know whether you are or not. I suppose I just want clarification on what you think we are.'

Good luck whatever you decide x

Hi cherry, your posts make a lot of sense after reading that you’re autistic. I’m autistic too and this needing to know/ insecurity is so typical as I’m sure you already know. Relationships are a minefield because we second guess everything due to not being able to read things as easily as others. A few things you’ve mentioned, I’m wondering if he is autistic too? He might not even be aware himself. Both my husband and I are autistic and I don’t think we ever had the chat to define what we were... we were both exclusive from the start- no thoughtS to do otherwise, and we said I love you approx 5-6 months in. But other than that we just chatted, enjoyed spending time together etc and it was lovely. Maybe try to talk to him and explain that you struggle reading people/ are autistic and therefore really need things spelt out clearly as to what you are doing together. All the signs seem really really positive from what you’ve written but I totally understand why this is making you so anxious

”I hope that you don’t mind me asking this by text but sometimes I get a bit tongue tied face to face. I felt a bit awkward on Saturday night because people kept asking if it is going well with us and referring to you as my boyfriend. From my side it’s going great and I would love to refer to you as my boyfriend - but need to know if you feel the same and see me as your girlfriend?’

You sound like a really lovely lady and the RS sounds great to me. Just need to jump over this anxiety glitch which seems to be dragging you down an negative thought spiral. If you get the thumbs up from him - then think about how you will explain your communication needs down the line.

Thanks.

He is aware I struggle to read people/situations - and he's had the dubious pleasure of watching films with me! 😆 and I've told him i dont pick up on hints and he's had first hand experience of that too. So he does know but that doesn't make him an expert suddenly.

If he gives it the thumbs up then I will definitely explain my communication needs to him.

Please dont text him that. You continually imply that you're massively uncomfortable, you imply that he is somehow forcing you to "lie" just by being a normal person, and you also put the entire responsibility for deciding whether you are in a relationship, onto him.

YOU are the one who decides that you're in a relationship. You ask HIM if he FEELS the same. You dont ask him to decide for you what's happening in your life.

"I had a great time last night. Hey, do you feel like we are boyfriend and girlfriend? I feel that way, but I want to check whether we are on the same page."

You dont have to spiral into a horror film of lies, deceit, discomfort, etc just to ask him a simple question

Think that PPs have had some really nice ideas. I'd go with a megamix of them along the following lines...

"I had a great time last night, hope you did too! Being introduced to people made me think of something I've been meaning to ask - do you feel like we are boyfriend and girlfriend? I feel that way, but I want to check whether we are on the same page as I'm really enjoying spending time with you."

How about this?

Hi.

I hope that you don’t mind me asking this by text but sometimes I get a bit tongue tied face to face.

I felt a bit awkward on Saturday night because people asked if it is going well with us and referred to you as my boyfriend. I was very aware that it's not something we've discussed, although it was very nice to hear. I just wondered what your thoughts are on it?

I'm not comfortable with a message full of emotion when I'm unsure how it stands. Besides i don't want to have laid myself bare emotionally if he doesn't feel the same. I'd rather keep it quite matter of fact.

rvby I was massively uncomfortable and it did feel like lying. I can understand why you and others have said not to broach the subject like that but that's why I needed help with it all.

Several of my friends are autistic and we are all just very blunt and direct with each other. I sometimes struggle to modify that for NTs.

You are expecting him to be open, emotionally honest and direct - so I think that you need to be the same.

“I hope that you don’t mind me asking you this by text but sometimes I get a bit tongue tied face to face.
I had a great time last night, hope you did too! Being introduced to people made me think of something I've been meaning to ask - do you feel like we are boyfriend and girlfriend? I feel that way, but I want to check whether we are on the same page as I'm really enjoying spending time with you."

But your feelings arent his problem?? Those are YOUR feelings. YOU have to deal with them.

You deal with them by asking him the question very simply. Without embroidering it with all your negative emotions.

Going on about how uncomfortable you are and implying that hes somehow forced you to lie etc. etc. is just pure manipulation on your part. It's you trying to get him to respond positively to you out of guilt for how hes "made" you feel.

Just ask him the fucking question woman! Preambling with all your bad feelings is not the way to go about this...

You arent being blunt with your suggested message. You are beating around the bush hugely and trying to spin a situation where he will give you the response you want, instead of giving him space to just be honest...

You just ‘need to know’ There is absolutely nothing wrong with that @CherryRedDocs DH asked me on our second date where I saw myself in 5 years and I said, married to you, new job and own a house with you. All completed. If he’d run off scared then he clearly wasn’t the one.

Sometime you just have to be bold 😂

Did he get you a valentines card? If so, was it addressed to my girlfriend?

Hi.

I hope that you don’t mind me asking this by text but sometimes I get a bit tongue tied face to face.

I felt a little awkward on Saturday night because people kept asking if it is going well with us and referred to you as my boyfriend. I was very aware that it's not something we've discussed, although it was very nice to hear! I just wondered what your thoughts are on it?

I dont i think that's bad or putting the responsibility onto him. It's something that neither of us have discussed.

Did he get you a valentines card?

No but then I didnt get him one either.

SuperMeerkat ❤

I think my reticence is because I don't feel confident he will be on the same page as me and I don't want to have made a complete fool of myself.

You are not making a complete fool of yourself.

It’s a standard Q at this stage - it’s important to you and you have every right - in fact a responsibility to ask it - he can answer as he pleases.

Surely you make way more of a fool of yourself if you start by apologising for texting him, explaining you feel awkward, etc. Etc??? A long winded question always makes the asker look insecure and a bit desperate tbh?

If you just ask the question straight up, even if he isnt into it, that makes you seem SO MUCH more confident etc. Way less embarrassing.

How about if I remove the bit about feeling awkward then and just leave it as people saying that had made me realise we hadn't discussed it?

Oh OP I think honestly that the most recent one you suggested is lovely!! Much better than my attempt and considering you find it hard to express things sometimes it's especially good. Hope it will ease your anxiety to send it and know where you stand either way

Hi. I hope that you don’t mind me asking this by text but sometimes I get a bit tongue tied face to face. I felt a little awkward on Saturday night because people kept asking if it is going well with us and referred to you as my boyfriend. I was very aware that it's not something we've discussed, although it was very nice to hear! I just wondered what your thoughts are on it?

Thanks he knows i find things awkward face to face sometimes . Theres no point pretending otherwise!

That is who I am.

Why do you have to imply that other people talking about it, is somehow relevant?

Again, it's so manipulative. Instead of just saying, "I feel x, do you?" you're doing a version of "everyone is talking about it, honest, it's not me who wants to know this, it's just that everyone else wants to know haha" that type of manipulation is intended to encourage him to give you the answer you want, because you're implying how embarrassing it will be if he doesn't feel what "everyone" assumes he feels, instead of giving him space to be honest.

Would it not help your anxiety to not try to manipulate the answer you want out of him? So you can actually trust the answer??

I don't think it's manipulating him into givng any answer.

I can only be myself. I cant pretend to be someone I'm not.