How soon/long after starting dating someone would you expect to feel important to them?

[CherryRedDocs]

As the title says.

This is someone I met in real life. I don't date generally and he says that he doesn't either.

We see each other most weekends and once mid week most weeks for some sort of context.

[CherryRedDocs]

occassionally I'd think, gosh it would be sad if this ended. But I knew I'd survive it, and it was worth risking pain in exchange for the pleasure of being around him.

Hmm. Yes, I can see this.

Thank you for your insights. It's helped.

[ZoeandChandon]

Have you ever read The Five Love Languages? It explains the different ways we show we care. I like spoken word, my husband like physical touch. It’s unfortunate because I need words, like you, and he isn’t very forthcoming with talking about thoughts and feelings. However, he shows his love through Acts of kindness, and never stops doing things for me and the children.
I can’t change him, but we’ve been happily married for a long time. I’ve accepted (sort of) that he can’t give me the words. What I’m trying to say is, that you sound compatible in lots of other ways.

[somewhereovertherainbow2]

After 4 months... there was no butterflies really, we were friends for over a year that grew closer.. but now (4 years on) I'll look at him in a crowded room and feel complete love and adoration for him, because he proved to me not all men are the same! Don't get me wrong he drives me mad sometimes but the good outweighs the bad

[CherryRedDocs]

ZoeandChandon yes. I score really highly on words. Also highly, but not as much so, on physical touch. The rest I score very low on. I thought about seeing where he comes on it.

somewhereovertherainbow2 that's lovely.

[CherryRedDocs]

Well would you read anything into this?

I sent him a fb friend request a few hours ago.

He's been on whatsapp a few times since (messaged me for a start) and hasn't accepted it. If he's been on whatsapp, he will have seen the notification.

He doesn't have many friends on there (fewer than 200) but all of our mutual friends are friends of his on there.

Is that something to be bothered about or not? It's been suggested to me before that avoiding someone on social.media is a bad thing as why would you if you're friends/in a relationship and have nothing to hide?

[rvby]

Ok I am no longer participating in this thread. Please get professional help for your anxiety. The more you post here looking to analyze and get reassurance, the worse you're going to feel and the more your mh will suffer over time.

Please talk to a doctor and get help. You are not helping yourself.

[Qwerty543]

Oh FGS OP. End it and let him go. He is one of the good ones and you are far too much hard work.

[Friendsofmine]

Oh OP, you really need help.

He has told you explicitly he does not have an expiration date in mind. All of your updates suggest you are unable to cope with what seems like very appropriate relational behaviour 3 months in.

He messages you when you are in his thoughts, he enjoys your company and would like to continue and is happy to be your boyfriend...

You seem to be determined to ruin this.

[CatAndHisKit]

Again, it's too early to announce on social media that you are in a relationship, I think there is r-ship status on FB, this means he wouldn't know if you expect him to declare there that you are his GF. Friends may even know that you are dating but as you said, no labels yet.
If you were friends before becoming a couple, that would be different, would expect him to accept. I think this will come across as pressure. Let him do any of hte next steps, you've done your bit for now!

[CatAndHisKit]

The best thing to do is to try and focus on something else/get busy/exrecise when yo uhave a bout of doubts and anxiety. Too much focus on him, def need to relax - do try meditation or yoga.

[butterpuffed]

I gave my opinion and suggestions a few days ago , only once [although I've read it all] , several others have been very kindly invested in this thread for a fair while.
It's soo frustrating Cherry, you seem to be listening but not taking on board what anyone is saying.
Best of luck whatever you decide to do.

[Gutterton]

What was your childhood like Cherry - Joe were your parents?

[CherryRedDocs]

Pretty crappy tbh. I didn't get diagnosed with autism until adulthood and my parents punished and mocked me for my traits/stims etc constantly. I was constantly told i should be "more like the other children" and asked why i couldn't be "more like other children".

Was constantly told there was "something wrong" with me and just generally felt very unhappy and hugely anxious as a result because I couldn't help it - I was just who i was.

I think I'm going to end it because i don't like the way it's making me feel and I don't want him to feel pressured by me.

[bangheadhere40]

@CherryRedDocs - before you end it can you speak to him directly, or basically say what you have here? If you have in your mind it's prepared to end anyway then what is the worst that could happen?

He might surprise you and you would know one way or the other. I have anxiety issues as well, and it's so hard knowing if it's the way they are making you feel or if it's you.

[Gutterton]

I am not surprised to hear that your childhood was v emotionally abusive and has left you emotionally injured, as well as insecure and distrustful of the people who get closest to you.

The actual words that you use to describe your parents behaviour is exactly how you subconsciously expect to be treated by others.

You are inadvertently and unwittingly acting out THEIR FALSE narrative.

You are not and never were that person with all of those vile traits they heaped on you. But you are behaving like you are.

He is not treating you like that either.

He sounds like a lovely guy. You seem to be looking for any thread to pull it all undone and that is understandable given how your mind was programmed in childhood by your parents.

But this isn’t actually happening from him. It is all in your injured mind. Please try to see that and allow the facts and how your FEEL when with him in the moment drive this to a happy place not what your injured mind THINKS and projects when you are away from him.

You can get support to resolve this through therapy - and you can do this whilst in a beautiful nurturing RS with him x

[bangheadhere40]

@gutterton your post is spot on. I had a similar experience ( well as a child) of being rejected, so I think I have always expected people to reject me, which can lead to a self fulfiling phrophecy. I am trying my best to not look at it like this, and keep my mind in check, it's hard work when it's been wired like that for so long though.

[Gutterton]

bangheadhere40 your awareness means that you are in a much better position.

You can now stop and interrupt and reflect and challenge your negative perceptions before you embed them and take any action which is likely to be incorrect as it is through the lens of your historic abuse narrative and not what is actually happening in the here and now - even if you don’t realise that. When you react to the world in this way the actions are v likely to cause and being great pain to you and your RSs.

It’s about being able to live by considered and thought through responses rather than reacting to emotional urges.

A good therapist can help you rewire your perspective so that seeing the positive reality becomes your normal default position - so it is easier and less hard work.

[SoTiredTonight]

Please listen to @Gutterton‘s advice. You are self-sabotaging and will likely continue to do so if you don’t get professional help. Wishing you all the best!

[VaVaBroom]

Can I urge you to read 'Attached' (Levine & Heller) which really helped me. I'm not autistic but I went through almost every stage you describe here, with an ex. I too had a detrimental childhood, relationships that never lasted and at last thought I had found a lovely man who I really liked/loved and could have a deep and true relationship with. But I think you need iron self-esteem and confidence to feel secure when you are with someone who NEVER says how they feel about you and your relationship, even when prompted - I salute pp who have achieved this! I couldn't understand it at first, got more and more anxious, I felt like you that he was bound to want to end it and in the end when, for the second time in about six months, I tried to say how I felt, it frightened him off. I realised as we went along that he was terrified of emotional involvement because of his own issues (I gathered this!) but this wasn't enough to make it OK for me while we were together. Afterwards, I kicked myself for being too needy but actually it's not needy to want someone to express their feelings for you and as pp have shown, to a lot of men it comes naturally and is no big deal when they are really into you. I read Attached and it became clearer to me that while avoidant people can be lovely, they're a nightmare for a relationship if you are the sort of person who gets anxious and needs a more demonstrative, emotionally engaged relationship. I've done therapy and lots of inner work which has also helped and I'm working on my anxiety, which is crucial, and my ability to express myself, but I also know that my next partner needs to be someone who can be more open. I agree with the pp who says don't just end it, try talking to him openly - you have nothing to lose and he does sound like a kind man who will at least listen but it's important that your voice is heard, whatever the outcome. I wish you all the best.

[CherryRedDocs]

Thanks for the replies. I've thought a lot about this. I'm going to end it next time I see him because I dont like the way it's making me feel, I don't like the way feeling like this is making me think and either I am wrong and he deserves better or I am right and I deserve better.

No plans have been made for the weekend or this week and it's the first time since we've been seeing each other that there is nothing planned. So I'm going to leave it to him now - if he gets in touch I'll see him and, if he doesn't, well there's my answer anyway. I don't think I could share how I feel with him. The crux of this is that I don't feel he cares about me or is sufficiently interested in me. Telling him how fucked up I am is hardly going to help that.

[MindYours]

@CherryRedDocs

Whatever anyone says on here only you know how you feel on here and what you need. I ended an involvement with someone two weeks ago, I am absolutely heartbroken but he just wasn't giving me enough reassurance, he was a very nice man and never mistreated me but he was rubbish with words and I just couldn't work out what he felt for me. If that makes us needy then so be it that's what we need. (I do myself wonder often for various other reasons if I'm autistic, I don't know if that makes a difference here). I fully understand that you just need to know what direction the arrow is pointing in at this time and whilst nobody can guarantee you an entire future it's important for people like us to know what label we are wearing now. If you're not happy you're not happy.

Good luck OP, I hope your ending is happier than mine x

[Gutterton]

Cherry whatever you decide to do or however you feel when having an anxious moment - please KNOW that you are not fucked up. You are a lovely, valuable person.

[CherryRedDocs]

whilst nobody can guarantee you an entire future it's important for people like us to know what label we are wearing now

Yes that's the crux of it really.

Gutterton

Thank you. It doesn't feel like it, but thank you.

[FraglesRock]

I have an adult dd with autism and can see your overanalysing in her.

If you were my daughter I'd advise a sit down where you explain your realty is making you anxious as you think this could really develop into something great but every time you try to talk about it he shuts you down quickly. Leaving you with questions and anxiety with isn't healthy.
So if you wanted to tell me how you feel now would be the time, and if he can't reassure you then he's not the man for you. No matter how lovely he is, doesn't mean you're right for each other.

[saraclara]

So we're all talking about YOUR autism. Has it not occurred up you that he might be autistic too? Because to me it's screamingly obvious that he's having the exact same problems communication how he feels, as you are.

If I still worked, I'd bet a weeks pay on him having ASD as well.