How soon/long after starting dating someone would you expect to feel important to them?

[CherryRedDocs]

As the title says.

This is someone I met in real life. I don't date generally and he says that he doesn't either.

We see each other most weekends and once mid week most weeks for some sort of context.

[NotKeenOnSwede]

I'd love an update on this 🙈

[BattenbergtheHatches]

How are you getting on Cherry?

[Gutterton]

But I am going to have to find a way of managing long term.

You are managing now - just keep being open and honest and keep talking. Try to remember how you FEEL when you are reassured and remember that. Be positive. Good luck.

[CatAndHisKit]

told you so, OP

[SoTiredTonight]

Really pleased to read your last few updates @CherryRedDocs! x

[CherryRedDocs]

I'm going to see him for a bit later. So it'll all be ok.

But I am going to have to find a way of managing long term.

[Gutterton]

Do you feel confident now to get on the phone ASAP to clarify? Otherwise you will spin yourself into another spiral......

[CherryRedDocs]

Oh and he'd be right to be offended if I did misunderstand so I do need to rectify it.

[CherryRedDocs]

Yes, we are still together. We went out on Friday night, I stayed over and we were up talking until the early hours.

We are still together, yes. And I do feel reassured - definitely.

But I made a bit of a faux pas on friday night when we were out - I think I misunderstood a question he asked because he seemed a bit put out at my answer. He made a joke about it but I think he was offended. Although I only realised last night that I'd misunderstood it and now I'm feeling anxious about rectifying it and that's what my overthinking is about. I do need to tell him about my aspergers because that's was caused the misunderstanding. But I felt there was enough to deal with without throwing that in too.

[Gutterton]

Thats great that you were able to be open and have a dialogue with him.

Are you still together?

I hope so.

If so - do you feel reassured?

[CherryRedDocs]

@Gutterton

Thanks for asking. Ok, I think.

We had a really long, proper conversation the other day. I think it's ok.

I know that the overthinking will come again (I can already feel it starting) but I know that's it's just me now and that everything is fine and I've got things I can use to try and talk myself down from it.

[Gutterton]

How are you doing Cherry?

[CherryRedDocs]

Gutterton the problem is that I dont have a lot of long term friends who feel like that. I have few but I also struggle with friendships and how I stand in those and tend to walk away from them as well after a few years. But I do see what you're saying.

Friendsofmine

I havent said that's what I want anywhere. I know there are no guarantees for the future and I wouldnt believe anyone who made such declarations anyway - I never have done and it would be more likely to put me off someone but I do need to know, unequivocally, where I stand currently.

But i do think about the longer term and think that i would find it difficult to constantly not know where i stand because of a lack of communication.

[Friendsofmine]

This is such a shame OP. It sounds like you need someone who is going to tell you he loves you, will never leave you, wants to marry you etc from the get go...none of these things guarantee a future anyway.

[Gutterton]

Cherry can you tap into the FACT, FEELING and REALITY that you have lots of long term friends who love, value and respect you.

There is no official certainty / shelf life / expiry date in these relationships - they are sustained by mutual kindness and respect day to day - can this RS not work on the same basis?

[CherryRedDocs]

FraglesRock thank you. That makes sense. I keep worrying that my autism will put him off but that's my reality and I can't pretend it isn't. I can manage it very well on a daily basis but only if i know what I'm dealing with. It's the huge uncertainty here that is causing me the issues.

Thanks.

saraclara

i have wondered that myself. He certainly ticks a lot of the boxes and is definitely 'eccentric'. But I dont think he would even have considered it of himself and explains it all away with other (equally valid) reasons. I am going to speak with him. I wouldn't just end it or anything like that but unless he comes up with something that does reassure me, I am going to end it.

[saraclara]

Communicating, even

[saraclara]

So we're all talking about YOUR autism. Has it not occurred up you that he might be autistic too? Because to me it's screamingly obvious that he's having the exact same problems communication how he feels, as you are.

If I still worked, I'd bet a weeks pay on him having ASD as well.

[FraglesRock]

I have an adult dd with autism and can see your overanalysing in her.

If you were my daughter I'd advise a sit down where you explain your realty is making you anxious as you think this could really develop into something great but every time you try to talk about it he shuts you down quickly. Leaving you with questions and anxiety with isn't healthy.
So if you wanted to tell me how you feel now would be the time, and if he can't reassure you then he's not the man for you. No matter how lovely he is, doesn't mean you're right for each other.

[CherryRedDocs]

whilst nobody can guarantee you an entire future it's important for people like us to know what label we are wearing now

Yes that's the crux of it really.

Gutterton

Thank you. It doesn't feel like it, but thank you.

[Gutterton]

Cherry whatever you decide to do or however you feel when having an anxious moment - please KNOW that you are not fucked up. You are a lovely, valuable person.

[MindYours]

@CherryRedDocs

Whatever anyone says on here only you know how you feel on here and what you need. I ended an involvement with someone two weeks ago, I am absolutely heartbroken but he just wasn't giving me enough reassurance, he was a very nice man and never mistreated me but he was rubbish with words and I just couldn't work out what he felt for me. If that makes us needy then so be it that's what we need. (I do myself wonder often for various other reasons if I'm autistic, I don't know if that makes a difference here). I fully understand that you just need to know what direction the arrow is pointing in at this time and whilst nobody can guarantee you an entire future it's important for people like us to know what label we are wearing now. If you're not happy you're not happy.

Good luck OP, I hope your ending is happier than mine x

[CherryRedDocs]

Thanks for the replies. I've thought a lot about this. I'm going to end it next time I see him because I dont like the way it's making me feel, I don't like the way feeling like this is making me think and either I am wrong and he deserves better or I am right and I deserve better.

No plans have been made for the weekend or this week and it's the first time since we've been seeing each other that there is nothing planned. So I'm going to leave it to him now - if he gets in touch I'll see him and, if he doesn't, well there's my answer anyway. I don't think I could share how I feel with him. The crux of this is that I don't feel he cares about me or is sufficiently interested in me. Telling him how fucked up I am is hardly going to help that.

[VaVaBroom]

Can I urge you to read 'Attached' (Levine & Heller) which really helped me. I'm not autistic but I went through almost every stage you describe here, with an ex. I too had a detrimental childhood, relationships that never lasted and at last thought I had found a lovely man who I really liked/loved and could have a deep and true relationship with. But I think you need iron self-esteem and confidence to feel secure when you are with someone who NEVER says how they feel about you and your relationship, even when prompted - I salute pp who have achieved this! I couldn't understand it at first, got more and more anxious, I felt like you that he was bound to want to end it and in the end when, for the second time in about six months, I tried to say how I felt, it frightened him off. I realised as we went along that he was terrified of emotional involvement because of his own issues (I gathered this!) but this wasn't enough to make it OK for me while we were together. Afterwards, I kicked myself for being too needy but actually it's not needy to want someone to express their feelings for you and as pp have shown, to a lot of men it comes naturally and is no big deal when they are really into you. I read Attached and it became clearer to me that while avoidant people can be lovely, they're a nightmare for a relationship if you are the sort of person who gets anxious and needs a more demonstrative, emotionally engaged relationship. I've done therapy and lots of inner work which has also helped and I'm working on my anxiety, which is crucial, and my ability to express myself, but I also know that my next partner needs to be someone who can be more open. I agree with the pp who says don't just end it, try talking to him openly - you have nothing to lose and he does sound like a kind man who will at least listen but it's important that your voice is heard, whatever the outcome. I wish you all the best.

[SoTiredTonight]

Please listen to @Gutterton‘s advice. You are self-sabotaging and will likely continue to do so if you don’t get professional help. Wishing you all the best!