How soon/long after starting dating someone would you expect to feel important to them?

[CherryRedDocs]

As the title says.

This is someone I met in real life. I don't date generally and he says that he doesn't either.

We see each other most weekends and once mid week most weeks for some sort of context.

I'm that case do not text him now and I'm sure he'll be in touch. It's only Tuesday morning. The weekend is ages away!

In that case do not text him now and I'm sure he'll be in touch. It's only Tuesday morning. The weekend is ages away!

Maybe he doesn't feel comfortable having a text conversation about whether you are in a relationship.

I really just hoped I could get it right this time.

It's been so long since I met someone I was attracted to and so long since I thought someone was worth taking a chance with because I find it so difficult and have had few to no positive experiences previously.

He is so well liked, his friends speak so positively about him, he's so kind and thoughtful to and about everyone.

I really hoped it would be different this time.

You’re determined to talk yourself out of this relationship.

After three months, I think his response is positive. I would take it at face value as encouraging, give it another three months and review the situation at the six month point. And meanwhile focus on enjoying your time together without overthinking it.

I really hoped it would be different this time.

It’s YOU that needs to be different this time.
You said that it is you who at this stage gets cold feet and leaves the RS.

You have been running this threat for TWO whole weeks now and I assume that you were anxious and ruminating for some time before that. This preoccupation is poisoning your RS.

He sounds like a nice guy, his friends and family are supportive. You have a lovely time when you are with him but seem determined to bury the RS alive.

You seem fixated and obsessed with this BF/GF label and you haven’t even been together 3 months.

Is it him personally or RSs that you don’t like?

Your text wasn’t v direct and he read it as commenting on what others thought so came back with a fudged indirect humorous answer - but it wasn’t negative - so I would take comfort from that and look forward to meeting up.

Be optimistic, laid back and give a bit more and you will allow the lightness for the RS to grow through this stage.

Obsessing over labels, analysing his every move, word, text emoji will throw shadow and darkness and will smother this - but maybe this is your MO to self sabotage?
You are using your finite emotional energy negatively for this RS and the result will be negative. Can you work your mind to bring it back to all of the many positives that are in the here and now?

This is v early days - enjoy it, throw yourself in at the deep end of fun for the next 3 months and see where it takes you.

Do you do anything for your anxiety to stop this whirring negativity? Mindfulness, mediation, yoga - so level of distraction and relief?

I'm trying to keep your perspective in my head. I really hope you're right, ElloBrian

Now you've opened the door to this discussion, I would now tell him you are autistic and need straight answers from him or you just won't get what he means and it will keep you wondering, which you aren't up for.

Actions speak louder than words and all actions have been positive and hugely encouraging tbh. I wouldn't be happy with his reply though. I guess in a way he is kind of confirming it, but also being on the spectrum myself, I wouldn't take that as definite confirmation either.

I'm glad DP is also likely on the spectrum. We're pretty open and blunt with each other and know exactly where we both stand and have done from the beginning.

Gutterton

Yes, I'm aware I have a tendency to self sabotage. Sometimes the anxiety gets so great that it need to shit itndown somehow and walking away is the easiest way of shutting it down.

I always have a reason for it but it has been suggested that I am quite inflexible about things once i have made a decision so I am trying to do things differently this time. But it's very hard.

Again Cherry another really great personal insight. If you can see the problem you can build a solution.

Is it an irrational fear of abandonment - so that you need to take control of the “when” it will happen because you are so definite that there is not an “if” it will happen.

You can work on this. This is YOUR stuff - not his or not this RS. It’s all about quieting the mind, reducing anxiety and stopping any “urges” to do or say something when triggered or when you get into emotional analysis / paralysis.

Anxiety breeds controlling thoughts and behaviours as you try to impose order on the outside world and RSs in an attempt to settle the turmoil within - but of course it doesn’t achieve that and behaviours often back fire and are counterproductive.

Do whatever you can to work on the internal anxiety as it seems to be causing you to misread this situation and sabotage it. Have you had any therapy - physical techniques can help you shut down the inner critic inside your head rather than allowing behaviours that inadvertently will shut down opportunities in the outside world.

You asked him a question indirectly and he answered indirectly. This is exactly as predicted.

He actually answered in a lighthearted, positive way, which is great. Not sure if you've actually.picked that up. You definitely set him up to fail, which is a shame for both of you.

Next time just be direct. He may still answer indirectly because, frankly, loads of people find it really uncomfortable to use straight talk when it comes to relationships. But at least if you are direct, you can actually have a hope of getting what you desire.

I'm seeing him on friday. I'll say something directly then.

I suppose he could have asked negatively and he didn't do that.

*answered

Yes you couched it in terms of what others called you both and how it made YOU uncomfortable.

It would have been easy for him to say me too, I like spending time with you but I was hoping we could keep things casual...

He didn't!

I think perhaps he is as reticent as you Cherry for reasons unknown as yet . However, it does sound as if he's very keen on you from friends saying he looks at you , follows you with his eyes when you're out. Actions sometimes speak louder than words if you're unsure of yourself.

It would be such a shame to throw this potential relationship away for the sake of neither of you being able to say what you actually want. I know it's difficult for you but sometimes you have to take the bull by the horns and say how you feel, nothing ventured nothing gained. I do know the feeling of batting back a flippant answer because you're not 100% sure of what is meant.

Very best of luck and hoping it goes well

I met our mutual friend today. She's known him a long time. She asked how it was going, as I knew she would. And I just said that, if I was being honest, I didnt have a clue, she just smiled and nodded and straight away said that he has always struggled a bit with expressing his feelings and other relationships have suffered because of it. She said its not that he doesn't feel them, he just finds it difficult to express them.

Like everyone on here, she suggested I speak to him in person. And rather than asking him how he feels directly, i should tell him how i feel and ask him if he's on the same page. Which is basically what everyone else has said.

So that's what I'm going to do. I feel a bit more reassured now that I know, however he feels, that his 'reticence' is him rather than because he definitely doesn't have feelings for me.

She also said she's never known him to go into a relationship without being fully committed to it in the sense that he doesn't date casually.

I know people have been frustrated with me and I'm a lot clearer about it now. The reason i kept saying i didn't know how to approach it was because I always need to have an idea of what I'm going to say, almost like a script, at least to begin with so that I can get my words out. As soon as I feel emotions, my ability to speak or form a syntacticly correct, coherent sentence disappears and I end up with odd words. Which other people with autism who have posted might recognise.

I've worked out what I'm going to say to him now and it's all me. I'll tell him how I feel and that I just want to know if he's on the same page or whether, in his head, there is already an expiration date. I know some people will say not to say that but unless I make it watertight, I'm still going to overthink it. Again, such is the nature of autism. So I can't approach it as an NT would because I'm not.

Thanks again.

That’s a really lovely update Cherry - sounds like your mutual friend has both your interests at heart and gave you a good steer.
Sounds v promising and positive - I hope that you are feeling some relief / comfort / joy from that and that your anxiety is lowered and your confidence raised so that you can ENJOY this RS. Have fun !

I’m really pleased to read your update OP.

I’ve been checking back so often.

What your friend said must have been a huge relief to hear.

I hope you have an enjoyable and happy weekend.

A huge relief and I will be able to accept him saying he doesn't feel the same because I feel a bit more in control of my emotions too now.

This has been really difficult for me!

Thank you. I'm hoping the weekend will be happy too.

Be careful not to put words in his mouth or jump to any premature conclusions either. Wait and see. Keep positive!

You are still trying to second guess the bloke though.

Stop assuming he's not interested and trying to accept something that hasn't happened.

I'm sure he has no expiration date in mind, as your friend said, he doesn't do casual, and three months is nt enough for anyone to commit to a forever r-ship. So I agree with pp who advised not to put words (negative ones) in his mouth/mind.

It's exactly the stage, up to about 6-12 months when people get to know each other with a view to long term, but avoid commiting for sure as it's still a learning process, even with the best intentions. ou may both see it as very promising but if things can go either way still, so how can he commit?

They can use BF/GF labels but really this can't guarantee a future.
If you aer just worried about him not being casual, you know that already, from his behaviour and from his friend.

I think it's best not pin him down to promising that there is no end date - he can't possibly know for sure, neither can you.
Maybe just telling him you'd feel more comfortable to be called his GF and vice vera while stating you don't expect guarantees, can be enough?

*versa

Great update OP, and also fully understand what you are saying about needing a script as you are unable to formulate a sentence when emotions come into play. I am exactly the same! You explained it very well. I hope the weekend is a good one. (I also understand the expiration date thing - if you’re like me, if it’s going to end you Just want to know exactly when that will be so you know what to expect!)

No one can know for sure when ANY relationship is going to end.

I agree. But there is a difference between a relationship that is open ended and one where one person already knows it will definitely end at some point.