How soon/long after starting dating someone would you expect to feel important to them?

[CherryRedDocs]

As the title says.

This is someone I met in real life. I don't date generally and he says that he doesn't either.

We see each other most weekends and once mid week most weeks for some sort of context.

Morning.

I'm at his house at the moment. He's still asleep in bed.

We had a lovely evening last night. We went out with some of my friends for my friend's husband's birthday.

As usual when we are in company, he was really affectionate all evening. But we weren't joined at the hip. I also met his friend who seemed to approve of me! My friends thought he was lovely and that he seemed really keen.

My friend said that he was looking at me all evening. She said that whenever we were together (that she saw) he looked at me when I was talking and generally seemed 'into' me.

He checked I was ok; made an effort with my friends; when I asked him later in the evening if he wanted to stay out or leave, he said it was up to me - it was my evening with my friends and he was there for me and was happy to do whatever I wanted.

I just dont know what to say. I told him last night that my friends had liked him and he just said, "oh good". Not that he'd liked them - or didn't like them! or anything like that. The only thing he said was that one of them he'd been talking to obviously thinks very highly of me.

Other than telling me that I looked really nice before we went out, he still didn't say anything. And i still feel I need to say something otherwise the doubts are going to creep in mid week again.

I'm just at a loss as to what to say.

OP, I'm so surprised by your reaction to last night. For a 3 month relationship it sounds to me like things are progressing perfectly. I honestly can't understand why you're seeing it as negative!

Oh dear. It’s so easy to read so much into what someone says/doesn’t say, in the early days.

I wouldn’t have said ‘my friends like you’ to me it makes it sound like he’s passed some kind of test. For me the assumption is they would... and his friends me.

But having said that, ‘that’s good’ is a perfectly normal reply. I’d have been a bit annoyed you felt I needed or wanted their approval, surely it’s what you think that matters. On another day I might have said it liked them too’ or ‘glad I met their approval .

The rest of the evening sounds like it went well.

I think you need to say something because you can’t let it go & you’re going to destroy any potential with your worrying.

Just talk to him Say much what you wrote here earlier....

I don't want any assurances about what the future will hold because that can't be given. But if he already knows there isn't going to be a future, well I'd like to know that.

But you still haven't told him how you feel have you? And you're just making assumptions. What is the problem exactly?

@CherryRedDocs so you had a nice evening and everything went well?

And now you're wringing your hands over.... what? Can you explain what was meant to have happened differently?

Also Can I just ask- have you previously been in abusive or unhappy relationships? What is your relationship history?

I was in a similar position last week after 2 months of dating a guy I really liked.

We talked mid week on phone - laughing for about an hour, saw each other overnight each weekend and texts in between.

I'd noted he wasn't as 'texty' as he had been in the initial few days but could see he hadn't been online at all so just assumed he wasn't as into his phone as previous men (and men that were glued to their phone before him had irritated me especially when I was trying to talk to them).

He was busy professionally and in a few bands so always practicing or rehearsing so when I braved 'How come you don't text much and while we're at it do you realise you don't often pay me any compliments....?' I was totally unprepared for the 'Yeah I'll admit I've gone off the boil' response.
We were sitting in bed having had a great all-day date the day before, a really fun evening and what I thought was fantastic sex.

He wasn't that into me. And despite spending most of his spare time and lots of money on OTT Christmas gifts he was too cowardly to bin me off.

I was really surprised, hurt etc but now after a week of reflection (and sobbing) I can recognise I wasn't actually that into him either - loved his company but there was something that meant he wasn't my forever guy. Can't quite put my finger on it.
He didn't ask many questions of me or if he did forgot the answer. He was a bit shallow.
Or something

Anyway. My advice is to compare notes with your guy and see where you both are and feel. No point flogging a dead horse.
I was mortified to think of all the times I'd said something that made my man think 'Oh ffs I really don't want to but can't hurt her feelings'

Darn this dating game!

Keep us posted as we're all learning as we go along aren't we?

So you had a fantastic evening but you're still worried, I'm sorry but I think that this is beyond Mumsnet and that you need to seek professional help as this isn't healthy.

You are doing OK OP. Reading everything this is just a normal relationship bobbing along nicely. Men can be odd creatures and dont say anything. I have been with mine since July, he is an older gentleman but although he hasn't said anything to me yet I am in no doubt he wants to be with me with actions. He books dates, communicates regularly and makes sure I am ok every day. You seem to have a nice man you are dating. Just chill and one day he may surprise you with how he feels. There is no harm in telling him how you feel too. Some men take longer to figure out how they feel some men know straight away, neither is wrong.

It's not him, OP. It's you.

You're dancing around yourself; you're shadow-boxing. And then you're projecting it on to him. Take responsibility for your feelings because it is you who is demonstrating the ambivalence here, and not him.

Very quickly, but I'm now in my 50s and when I did dating it was different. It was finally getting to go out with someone I had fancied for ages and usually finding they had fancied me for a while too. With the world of online dating it is totally different. I did go on a couple of dates via answering ads in Time Out as a student, but it was obvious immediately that there was no spark.
I get bored very quickly texting so probably wouldn't contact someone a lot in between meeting up and would find neediness a turn off.
I would expect to be made to feel special though when with him and to let him know he was special to me.

You’re not listening to what anyone says so - do what you want, I guess. Waste of a thread tbh.

You sound like incredibly hard work. Do him a favor and end it.

OP you obviously expect a very expressive partner - is that what you aer used to from other relationships, and especially from your parents' relationship? We all have a preferred style of communication, some omen prefer actions and lots of practical help to feel loved, others need romantic gifts, and many like to hear lots of compliments and beassured n words that they are loved. There aer books on he subject even!
Unfortunately he's not the vocal type and neither are you so you are both reserved, but bear in mind other women would much prefer this to someone who is all poetic/romantic but doesn't DO much or is unreliable etc.
Try to see it as a different style, but it would help if you mentioned this to him, that you are a bit puzzled by his reserved ways - have a friendly chat about it, maybe once he knows what you need, he'll step up.

OP, just bite the bullet, tell him you really like him and hope he feels the same and this is going somewhere. I bet you 100% he will say he feels the same.

Everything in your post above is positive. I think this seems like a normal timeline and he is happy to be letting oyu into his life and vice versa.

Are you aware that the issue here is you? You need to examine what you want from this man and why you need it. Are you insecure?

I am aware it's me to a degree.

I haven't had a good, decent relationship in very many years - if ever really. I just don't want to allow myself to develop feelings if it's pointless.

What I want to know is whether we are in a relationship or whether he sees this as just casual dating and nothing more. I'm not interested really in casual dating - just seeing each other with no commitment (beyond the already established exclusivity). I know there are no guarantees about the future but if he already knows there isnt going to be one and this is 'fun for now but nothing else', then I'd like to know that.

I have a busy life - I'm not really interested in casual dating indefinitely. I'd like him to be my 'boyfriend'.

I wouldnt want/be able to see him any more frequently than I already do - it wouldnt really change anything beyond knowing the status.

I think I'm just a bit scared of broaching it because I'm anticipating him saying he doesn't want a relationship (with me) and then I'd have a decision to make - am I happy going along just 'seeing what happens' or would i want to walk away. Normally, I'd just walk away but I like him and I enjoy spending time with him so it's not that easy.

It's also hard because he's now met a few of my friends and they have all assumed he's my boyfriend. I think his friends have assumed the same. And it's just a reminder that he's not. He mentioned something he wanted to get me for my birthday and us doing something together in May but I'm not stupid - I know that neither of these things are guarantees of anything. And that's just a reminder too.

I've never been in this situation before - it's always been clarified a lot sooner previously. And I also know 'boyfriend's doesn't guarantee anything except for current feelings/statement of intent. But I guess it's the feelings and 'statement of intent' bit that I need clarification on.

I'm not really insecure. If he said he wasnt interested in being my boyfriend, I'd deal with it. I just want to know.

Surely 3 months is long enough to know whether you want to be in a relationship with someone or not?

I dont know!

Good grief OP just ASK him! I’m frustrated on your behalf - stop wringing your hands and just ASK!!!

Yeah, you're right...

Either way, it's not going to change anything. I'll just know.

You've both met each others friends after just three months!!!! You still haven't told him how YOU feel!!!! I agree with the pp above - this is very frustrating! And it's ALL you by the way! 😁

We were engaged after 6 months ,only then did I sleep with him .
Still together 28 years later .
I wanted commitment before I took things further ,and I wanted to be sure he was right for me ,and me for him.
I would still do exactly the same if I was early 20s now

I am aware it's me to a degree.

No, it is all on you.

You're playing games and you're taking zero responsibility and putting it all on him.

Like I said in a previous post, I think that you need professional help.

He is showing you he wants you in his life by introducing you to his friends. A relationship is about the two of you, and it's going well!

It is clear from what you've written that he is interested and for the most part you are mirroring each others level of contact etc.

Ask him if you need to, but I do think you need to work on yourself, love is a risk. Just relax and enjoy it as it seems clear to me things are going well!

I think I'm just a bit scared of broaching it because I'm anticipating him saying he doesn't want a relationship (with me) and then I'd have a decision to make - am I happy going along just 'seeing what happens' or would i want to walk away. Normally, I'd just walk away but I like him and I enjoy spending time with him so it's not that easy. '

You are having a relationship.

You still need to step back.
If he will never drive this relationship but eventually says you are his girlfriend are you going to then push for the other milestones?
Are you going to be on here in a year saying he wont propose/ move in etc?
It sounds like you need someone who drives it and makes it clear. You could waste years hoping he steps up.
So you need to step back, relax and let him drive this forward I dont think you can do anything else.

It's only been 3 months, so try not to be too needy. You do see each other most weekends and through the week!