How soon/long after starting dating someone would you expect to feel important to them?

[CherryRedDocs]

As the title says.

This is someone I met in real life. I don't date generally and he says that he doesn't either.

We see each other most weekends and once mid week most weeks for some sort of context.

[CherryRedDocs]

Well i saw him this weekend. We had a lovely time - we had a night out with mutual friends and spent the day together today. He's been thoughtful and attentive all weekend and so I decided to try and talk to him about it today.

So I told him that I was having lovely weekend and he said that was good. And then i told him that i really like him and he just said thank you. That was it. I didnt know how to take it beyond that.

If I'm missing something in that then i really need to know because I dont know how to talk about something with someone who shuts things down so comprehensively .

[PattiPrice]

Thank you??!

What is he like socially OP? Is he naturally reserved? What is his previous relationship history?

I really don’t know what to make of your last post. I will be frank and tell you that I had a similar dating experience in the past and the guy later told me he ‘didn’t want to lead me on’. He most certainly was not attentive to me though.

On the other hand, it could be that the man you are dating is not good at expressing his feelings.

Perhaps wait a few days to let him digest what you said. Could you email him in a light hearted way and explain that you feel a little awkward given what you said and his response?

However do not enter into extended email correspondence with him. We can say far more than we mean to in writing and once you press send it’s too late.

If he responds and appears to want to email, simply reply that you will talk about it when you next see him.

[CherryRedDocs]

What is he like socially OP? Is he naturally reserved? What is his previous relationship history?

He's superficially very confident. That's what people see of him but he is socially rather awkward and a bit of an introvert. He was clearly nervous and made an effort to impress me when we first met. He has said he lacks confidence relationship wise.

He has spoken of a 10 year relationship and that's all he's mentioned. There have been a fair few women (according to his friends) but not really relationships from what I can gather.

His actual response was, "why thank you" in case the why changes the tone at all.

He has told me that if he hadn't been on a boys night out and drinking the night we met, he'd never have had the confidence to flirt with me or ask for my number. Which I can believe - we'd met a couple of times previously, spent a while talking and then he shook my hand when he said goodbye at the end of the night.

He has so many positive qualities, there is so much I like about him but I'm not sure that I can be with someone who, after 3 months, can't even tell me that they like me.

And this is why i was asking in the first place really and why knowing if he sees me as his girlfriend or a just someone he's dating casually had become so important. If this is just the way he is then I can deal with that. If he's just not interested, I'd rather know.

It was hard because when we went out with friends at the weekend, everyone clearly assumed we were a couple. I found it really difficult though because people kept referring to us as 'boyfriend and girlfriend' and asking me how it was going and I just replied honestly and said I really like him but I don't know.

I'm meeting one of his oldest, closest friends for lunch this week. I might have to see what she says about it.

[Geneshish]

This sounds frustrating but you have to realise that the uncertainty is part of dating and jumping in with declarations of love and committing to a relationship too early is more of a red flag than taking it slow.

3 months is still early. Give it til 6 months. He is showing you that he likes you rather than telling you. ASK him if you want to know

[TheoriginalLEM]

"Why thank you" if that wasn't followed up by a compliment I think you have your answer.

[NSFW]

I asked my now DP if we were boyfriend and girlfriend around 4 months. He said we had been boyfriend and girl friend since the second date ! He just viewed it very differently to me.

[CherryRedDocs]

That's the thing, I dont want a declaration of love or 'commitment'. I just want to know what he's thinking/feeling. Whatever it is.

Everyone we know is really excited that we got together.- he's lovely and deserves to be with someone lovely; I'm lovely and deserve to be with someone who will care for me... to my knowledge, he didn't correct anyone who referred to me as his gf and when asked if we were looking after each other, he replied, "don't worry we are" and smiled at me.

He's very affectionate when we are out together. Not OTT but there is no doubt we are together - we are either physically close or aware of each other all the time even if we're talking to other people on the other side of the room. I know he 'watches out for' me. Not in a restrictive way - he's just checking I'm ok.

He's been on his own a long time. He has a comfortable life on his own, lots of friends and he likes to potter around in his own space. So it's not like he 'needs' a woman around.

I guess I can't imagine looking at someone I liked and not feeling compelled to tell them on occasion.

Just very confusing.

I find it hard because a lot of social interaction is confusing to me so sometimes I need a bit of pointing in the right direction. But this seems especially confusing- even to me.

[PattiPrice]

He has spoken of a 10 year relationship and that's all he's mentioned

How long ago was that?

Has he been serially dating as that accounts for the ‘fair few’

I have had a relationship with what people would consider a very ‘successful’ man. He was attentive and I met his friends. After a few months I became, like you now,and wanted to know if he liked me. He was genuinely flabbergasted that he had led me on. He apologised. He had and continues to have a fair few women and he is happy with being a dating bachelor.



I’d agree with the above poster. Give it another little while. Pick a date in your mind if that would help you. You like him. It would be a shame to finish something too soon.

[Gutterton]

I'm meeting one of his oldest, closest friends for lunch this week. I might have to see what she says about it.

What?
Why would you ask her - when you can’t ask him? What possibly would she know about you two and how is her opinion relevant.

Do you have these anxious feelings and thoughts when you are with him - or only when you are apart and into analysis paralysis - because our heads / thoughts allow us to spin any story we want.

How do YOU feel when you are actually with him doing stuff, hanging out, being with him?

[JustForTheTasteOfIt]

That's the thing, I dont want a declaration of love or 'commitment'. I just want to know what he's thinking/feeling. Whatever it is.

Then ask him for goodness sake!!

You've told him how you feel and he didn't respond with how he feels. You've waited for him to say how he feels organically and he hasn't.

So if it's taking up this much headspace then just ask him outright! You don't need to propose to them man, just have an adult conversation. If you can't do that then you aren't comfortable enough with him to be overthinking everything this much.

You sound nice and well intentioned but you're driving yourself crazy over this when you haven't even had a sensible and direct conversation with him. He's not a mind reader.

Please don't ask one of his oldest and closest friends about how he might be feeling - it's intrusive, inappropriate and if I was him and it got back to me you'd done that I'd be pissed off.

[Newnamewhodis1]

So you said 'i like you' and he said 'why thank you'. Hardly the conversation people have been suggesting is it? What's so hard about saying 'i really like you and I'm enjoying spending time with you. I'm very happy with how things are going and this looks like it could develop into a great relationship for both of us if things keep going well. What do you think? I guess I just need reassurance we're on the same page!'

Don't talk to his oldest closest friend about it. Nutter thing to do.

[CherryRedDocs]

She's known him for 20+ years. She knew him through this 10 year relationship. They're very close. She has been a very good friend to him over the years and is anongst the people who know him better than anyone. She and I are also friends. She wouldn't speak out of turn but she will also ask me how things are going and I'm not able to lie to her.

He's not a serial dater. He's been single for the past 5/6 years. Im as sure as I can be that I'm the only person he is seeing - he's certainly not taken anyone else back to his house that's for sure and I've been going round there from the third date. By all accounts he's been single for 5/6 years.

When he and I are together and doing stuff, hanging out etc, it feels normal. But even when I'm there but on my own, like when I wake up before him in the morning, I start to overthink and analyse everything that has been said/done or, more importantly, everything that has been left unsaid or undone.

[CherryRedDocs]

Don't talk to his oldest closest friend about it. Nutter thing to do.

Well I've been friends with her for a few years, certainly longer than I've known him and she is going to ask anyway so it's a conversation that will be hard to avoid unless I just lie about it 🙄

And I didnt get as far as the conversation everyone recommended because it was shut down. I'm not going to keep on badgering someone into having a conversation they clearly don't want to have.

[JustForTheTasteOfIt]

She wouldn't speak out of turn but she will also ask me how things are going and I'm not able to lie to her.

Answering someone in a suitably, perfectly socially acceptable way with a level of privacy is not a lie! That's a silly way of viewing it.

If my mum asks me how things are with my boyfriend I don't tell her he pissed me off last night because he wouldn't stop sniffing but we had an absolutely cracking shag afterwards and he made me laugh this morning. I say "good thanks, he's a good egg bless him" or similar. It's true. It's situation appropriate. It doesn't cross any boundaries.

In your case with your mutual friend, why isn't something like this your automatic reaction:

Q: How's it going with him?

A: Yeah I'm really enjoying spending time with him thanks, he's lovely.

Even if she digs you don't have to lie to move the conversation on...

Q: Do you see a future with him?

A: He's great but it's early days, I'm sure we'll have a chat about that eventually! How are things with you?

[Newnamewhodis1]

What has he done to suggest he is not willing to have that conversation?

Also op it would have been helpful to say you were seeing one of your oldest closest friends who also happens to be his. Rather puts a a different spin on things doesn't it

[JustForTheTasteOfIt]

I'm not going to keep on badgering someone into having a conversation they clearly don't want to have.

There you are then OP, if you know hand on heart he doesn't want to have the conversation then he's not on the same page as you.

So you need to decide whether you want to wait and see if things change (I suspect you may drive yourself and potentially him a bit mad but doing this) or walk away so your headspace isn't consumed by this anymore and you can move on with your life.

I hope I haven't sounded harsh on here, it's just frustrating because you sound lovely but a lot of these are problems of your own making that you have total control over!

Be an agent in your own life, not just a passenger in other people's waiting for them to tell you what to do by their actions

[Newnamewhodis1]

And if he did move the convo on after 'why thank you', why couldn't you say 'actually, I know you might be happy with how things are, but can we talk about it? I need reassurance we're on the same page etc etc etc'. A good man will give it to you if you ask for it. Stop being a scardy cat.

[Qwerty543]

Just. Ask. Him.

Jesus OP I'm on the spectrum too but this is bloody hard work. Have you considered he could be on the spectrum too? My DP likely is and I'm aware I need to spell some things out for him.

[CherryRedDocs]

Also op it would have been helpful to say you were seeing one of your oldest closest friends who also happens to be his

She's one of his oldest closest friends, who also happens to he one of mine.

Newnamewhodis1 We have tickets to somewhere on friday. I might leave it till then and speak to him about it afterwards. I'm not planning seeing him before then.

[CherryRedDocs]

She not an old friend of mine, I've known her for around 3 years.

So you need to decide whether you want to wait and see if things change (I suspect you may drive yourself and potentially him a bit mad but doing this) or walk away so your headspace isn't consumed by this anymore and you can move on with your life.

He doesn't have a clue I'm ruminating like this so it won't drive him mad. But I don't know if I can keep on like this.

[JustForTheTasteOfIt]

OK then OP - good luck with it all. You don't seem to want to do anything other than tiptoe around actually asking him so I fear you aren't going to move things forward, even if you say you plan to talk to him, if he doesn't respond proactively I think you'll let it fall flat again. Everything people say you have a "but" response for so I'm not sure what you wanted from the thread. I do genuinely hope things work out for you whether with him, solo or with someone else

[CherryRedDocs]

Do you think it would be appropriate to ask him via a message or does it need to be face to face?

[Newnamewhodis1]

Yes it would be inappropriate and unnecessary. Face to face only

[CherryRedDocs]

Ok

[SwishSwishSheesh]

Face to face is overrated. It's so hard for people like OP to have such conversation face to face. I would definitely go for text message or an email.