How soon/long after starting dating someone would you expect to feel important to them?

[CherryRedDocs]

As the title says.

This is someone I met in real life. I don't date generally and he says that he doesn't either.

We see each other most weekends and once mid week most weeks for some sort of context.

[CherryRedDocs]

No, don't need other 'milestones'.

Just want to know where I stand now.

[CherryRedDocs]

You do see each other most weekends and through the week!

Yeah, I know... if I knew what it was, it would be fine. I'm flip flopping between, "just say something" and, "it's too soon" though.

I don't want to push it and ruin things but I don't want to get attached if I'm going to get hurt.

That's all.

[YasssKween]

Right what's the plan then OP? Are you going to chat to him?

[Newnamewhodis1]

Omg

[PattiPrice]

He is showing you he wants you in his life by introducing you to his friends.

No. I’ve been introduced to boyfriend’s friends before and mistakenly thought this meant I was going to be around for awhile. As a result I was very hurt when whatever it was we had, finished.
The only way meeting people actually counts for something is if you meet his family. I learned this the hard way!

I know somebody who, in the early(ish) days of the telationship, told the guy she was seeing that she wanted a, b, c within 12 months and if he didn’t see them progressing that way that they should stop seeing each other. They are married about 18 years now! DH was the only person who basically said a similar thing to me although he phrased it by asking if I could see myself having children because it was something he wanted further down the line. I should add we were both well into our thirties at the time. All the men before him were very casual. I’m not suggesting you do what my friend above did OP. I’m surprised her DH did not run for the hills. But I get you want to know if you are both on the same page.

[rvby]

So you literally dont want anything to change except for him to tell you that he's decided you're his girlfriend.

Ok.

Then you're going to have to ask him. There is no other way.

Please also get professional help. This thread is bonkers and you sound really strange. Have you ever asked yourself why you give other people soooo much power over you? Dont you wonder how much your risk aversion has cut you off from real intimacy? Surely you can see that you're refusing to take responsibility for your own life, instead ruminating on how other people should be validating you and making you feel safe? Because it's really not surprising that your relationship history isnt great, if this thread is anything to go by.

[ElloBrian]

You still haven’t replied to any of the many very good points people have made.

[NameChangeNugget]

You sound incredibly needy OP.

Why do you need everything defined with milestones? Just go with the flow, don’t force it and see what haooo

[NameChangeNugget]

Happens

[AFistfulofDolores1]

Oh dear. For his sake, I hope you do end it. You are completely unable to see that your thoughts are the problem here.

[AFistfulofDolores1]

Look up projection, OP. That might help you step back enough to see what you're doing.

[CherryRedDocs]

Oh dear. For his sake, I hope you do end it. You are completely unable to see that your thoughts are the problem here.

So absolutely no.one else would want clarification from someone they were seeing to establish whether they were on the same page or not? I find that very difficult to believe!

How is that needy? Does everyone else really just amble along aimlesslessly until it either ends or doesn't?

[YasssKween]

So absolutely no.one else would want clarification from someone they were seeing to establish whether they were on the same page or not? I find that very difficult to believe! How is that needy? Does everyone else really just amble along aimlesslessly until it either ends or doesn't?

No OP there is another option - you talk to the person you're seeing!!!

You have an open and honest conversation that doesn't pressure the other person but say where your head is at and ask them where theres is at.

It's mainly the fact you're obsessing over it but not doing anything in about it that is strange.

[CherryRedDocs]

Ah, ok. I get that.

Well, we have plans to go out tonight with some mutual friends and I don't want to risk doing anything to affect that.

Tbh, I think I know what the outcome is going to be and I'm just kicking the can down the road because I don't want to hear it.

[CherryRedDocs]

I spent yesterday evening with him.

He had been shopping for dinner and also bought me some snack things he knows I like. He cooked dinner and we had a really lovely evening.

But then he showed me a band he wanted me to hear for a particular reason and then made some reference to them being 'drop dead gorgeous' and I realised that happens a lot. I'm well aware of all the women he thinks are pretty, beautiful, stunning, gorgeous and he has said absolutely nothing to me about me. He says it as statement of fact rather than because he's trying to upset me - he makes equally appreciative comments about good looking men. Now, these women are obviously in a different league to me and I don't expect to be flattered or for someone to believe I am any of those things. But that also makes me feel a bit sad.

I guess I've just been single for such a long time it was nice to have that bit of hope and it's taken me a bit longer than it should have done to see what's in front of me.

[Aureum]

I once broke up with someone because he wasn’t really into me. It had been about six months and he still wasn’t ready to admit to any feelings. He cried but he didn’t say no, stop, I actually feel something for you. So I guess that means I did the right thing. If you’re beginning to feel that you’re into him and he’s giving no sign of being into you then perhaps you should call it a day.

[CherryRedDocs]

Yeah, you're right. Just feels a bit sad and a bit "here we go again"

And, stupidly, my friends all like him and were really pleased for me that, after only knowing me through singledom/shit relationships, I seemed to have met someone nice and who makes me happy.

Just sucks really.

[Menora]

It may be you aren’t ready for a RS or this man just isn’t going to give you what you want or need. Not because he’s a bad person, just that you have a different set of needs. TBH all your posts sound like you have completely given up on him and are clinging on for dear life till he drops you - and he has absolutely no idea you feel this way

[Menora]

Can you see this from another POV? His? Or just enjoying what you do have?

He is obliviously seeing someone and thinks all is well. He likes spending time for you and remembers little things you like. He makes a lot of plans with you. He hasn’t had the chat about the future as he has no idea he needs to. He is going with the flow. This is probably just his personality. Whereas you are a very anxious over thinker pretending to be the ‘cool girl’ where you don’t dare express your feelings

Firstly I wouldn’t want to shag someone I couldn’t talk to about my emotions, or feelings even as a FWB or casual I would want a level of openness. I used to just go out with people because they liked me. But I was then single a long time and I adapted what I needed and I do need an emotionally open man who I can talk to.

So many people have told you to talk to him. If you don’t then this RS has no chance because you can’t open up and be honest so it’s not truthful and open and you will sabotage it

[CherryRedDocs]

Not because he’s a bad person, just that you have a different set of needs.

I know.

TBH all your posts sound like you have completely given up on him and are clinging on for dear life till he drops you - and he has absolutely no idea you feel this way

Tbh, I think you've hit the nail on the head. But it all makes perfect sense to me. I guess it was just nice to briefly have someone around. To feel like I was just like everyone else for a bit.

[CherryRedDocs]

I'm autistic. Relationships were always difficult and are always going to be difficult.

I don't really have a sex and emotions link, i just need to know where I stand with someone because I cant read it otherwise. I actually find it easier to have sex with someone when there are no feelings involved. But I've convinced myself he's not interested.

I really struggle with opening up to people.

We share a hobby/skill but he is far better at it than me. He keeps asking me to share it with him and I can't. He's been so lovely and encouraging about it and i know he doesn't understand why. I just shut down it's a physical block. Even on the occasions when I'm shouting at myself in my head to just do something, physically, I can't. And the more i try and push myself to do it, the further I shut down to it until it becomes permanently impossible.

[Menora]

You have 3 options and 2 of them require you being miserable for sure

1. Cling on to him for dear life until you can no longer bear it, drag it out and end up feeling worse than when you started and the RS ends because you can’t communicate
   

1. Be up front with him and take a risk - it may not be what you think, but if you don’t ask you will never know. The thing about life it does require some risk taking or you end up sad and miserable trying to play it safe all the time
   

1. Dump him now and go on with your life never knowing if he ever liked you but also work on yourself and your self esteem

[PattiPrice]

I've been there OP. I've been afraid to say something in case the other person doesn't think the same way and I lose them, while being very unhappy because I was constantly hoping they would say something to show they wanted to be with me.

Some people are just like that. Like us.In my case, it was a fear of rejection, of losing people that stemmed back to my childhood. RS seemed to come so easily to most (not all) people I knew but mine were never smooth sailing. I'm older now and have what I thought I always wanted. It turns out that I don't really want I have now either though. If I could say anything to my younger self, (some of it at least) would be take risks, take the lead and don't settle.

[AFistfulofDolores1]

As I said, you won't be able to see what I'm pointing out. And I'm writing this not so much for you as for other posters who are trying to help you to see sense.

[Newnamewhodis1]

People have given you good advice here - the same advice - and you're just ignoring it. Why bother asking. Do you want us to say it sounds like he's not interested? We could, but it would be a lie. Good luck