How soon/long after starting dating someone would you expect to feel important to them?

[CherryRedDocs]

As the title says.

This is someone I met in real life. I don't date generally and he says that he doesn't either.

We see each other most weekends and once mid week most weeks for some sort of context.

[user14572856389]

Actually, I think I've realised that the crux of is that I expect him.to reject me so I'm trying to think of a way of telling him how I feel that doesn't leave me too vulnerable when the inevitable rejection occurs.

I also think you're self-sabotaging here.

You're mind reading rejection, also expecting him to mind read you (and to initiate conversations you haven't initiated either?!), so your plan is to reject him before he can reject you.

When we have a high level of anxiety about something (e.g. Rejection) it is really easy to convince ourselves everything around us proves it and really truly believe it's true even when it's not the case and doesn't appear that way to anyone else. It feels true therefore it must be.

That's how anxiety gets reinforced - the threat feels so real we act as if it is which then creates the situation we were afraid of and reinforces that the anxiety was right.

If you break up with him without attempting to just talk this through with him (rather than internet randomers) on the basis of your anxious belief he was about to reject you then that's the narrative you will carry away from this relationship - that he rejected you.

Except that's not happened! You're just deeply afraid of being hurt.

Talk to him. Say what you've said here. Listen to his response. Stop crediting yourself with mind-reading abilities because you really can't.

Don't sabotage yourself.

[Urkiddingright]

I’d expect to be exclusive after 4-6 weeks. If they were still dragging their feet and we were just in the dating limbo after that time frame then I’d ask what they actually wanted and if it wasn’t the same as me, I’d leave.

I wasted months on a guy once who I thought was exclusively dating me but it turned out he was exclusively dating me and about five others... If that’s not what you want then speak to him, just ask whether he’d like to take it to the next level or not.

[CherryRedDocs]

Honestly, in shocked to read these replies. I thought you'd all tell me he just isn't that into me.

We had the 'exclusive' talk when we had the chat before. We both said we were and he said that he'd never been anything other than exclusive with anyone in the past too. He just always is. I'm the same. He seemed quite surprised that I'd even brought it up.

Maybe I'll just tell him that I missed seeing him this week and see what he says.

[CherryRedDocs]

He seems to be doing everything right except saying " I want to be your bf"?

Maybe... I'd like him to be a bit more vocal I guess. But, as other people have said, actions are better than words.

[Jane1978xx]

Why not message him more when you aren’t together might help you feel connected

[TheDeep]

Why do you want him to be vocal when you're not being vocal yourself? If you're not careful this will go wrong and it'll be your fault.

[MrsHusky]

At this point i'd wait and see what he does for valentines.

Don't end it without having the 'so where is this going' conversation with him.. you might be throwing away something good out of your own fear of rejection.

[CherryRedDocs]

Jane1978xx i dont know. I don't want to bother him, I guess. He said that he likes hearing from me. But I know he's not keen on pointless messaging either. He'd rather talk on the phone.

TheDeep I am generally and was more so previously. I suppose I'm taking a cue from him really. It wasnt intentional but I've kind of matched him in that respect.

MrsHusky tbh, I wouldnt expect him to do anything for valentine's! I've not been in a relationship around valentine's day for 20 years. I'm not really sure what the expectations are!

[MadamePewter]

Don’t try to second guess him. Be confident, it sounds that things are going well.

Relax and be yourself: message him more if you’d like to. It’s the modern way 😊

[CherryRedDocs]

Just spoken to him about the weekend. We're going out for a drink with one of his oldest friends who I haven't yet met before meeting up with mine later on.

I'm worrying a bit over nothing, arent I? I'll have met all of his oldest friends then; people who've known him his entire adult life and, in some cases, longer. If he wasn't interested, he wouldnt bother with that. I certainly wouldn't anyway.

[workinghard123]

Enjoy

[thickwoollytights]

I'm far too old for game playing

But you ARE playing games. You need to know how he feels but you won't ask him. You'd rather end the relationship yourself than hear that he's not that interested in you. Crazy!

[MadamePewter]

That’s great about the weekend.. he likes you! Just chill and go with it 😊

[PattiPrice]

I dated a man before (I will call him A), he was 18 years older than me. I was in my early 30s at the time and I out of a disastrous on/off relationship that shattered my confidence.

‘A’was really together. We went out, I met his friends, we spent one evening and night every weekend together and often met one midweek evening as well. I completely fell for him, for his stability and openness as much as anything else. He spoke breezily of living together and I lapped it up.

It turned out I had completely misread the situation. He was just the type of person who said things without intending to do anything about them. When I had a conversation about how we felt, he was completely flabbergasted about how I had taken things so literally.

I wish I had had the conversation sooner. I think you need to have a chat for your own sake and hopefully he will reassure you and the relationship will step up a notch IF that is what you really want as you also said you value your own space and time. Consider that too before potentially ending a relationship that suits you very well.

[Qwerty543]

Why don't you actually open up to him. You can hardly expect the same from him when you aren't doing it either.

[CherryRedDocs]

thickwoollytights that's not playing games, that just being cautious.

PattiPrice sorry that happened to you. I guess that's what I'm a bit afraid of. But he doesn't dare and his friends think he's a decent man soni hope he wouldn't do that... he certainly hasn't made me any promises!

It does suit me. I wouldn't need to see him any more than I do, just know that i wasn't wasting my time would be enough.

Yeah, you're right Qwerty

MadamePewter I hope so!

[Overthinker1988]

What would you actually want him to say though? He's told you you're exclusive, sees you regularly and you're making plans together. That sounds like you're in a relationship to me. For a 3 month relationship it sounds like things are progressing well. But if you still need clarification just as him if he considers you his girlfriend now. It doesn't need to be a big heavy chat. My husband, when we were dating, asked me in the car on the way down to his parents' house..it was something like "so what will we tell them, shall I introduce you as my girlfriend or..." and I said "yeah" and that was it.

[CherryRedDocs]

Ok, I've given this some thought to clarify what it is I'm actually unsure about etc.

I suppose I just want to know whether it's casual, albeit exclusive, or whether we're bf/gf (at the risk of sounding 15).

I know I've dated men I've known from the start I'd never fall in love with and knew there were no 'legs' to the 'relationship' but it was good fun/what I needed at the time. I'm sure we've all been there.

I don't want any assurances about what the future will hold because that can't be given. But if he already knows there isn't going to be a future, well I'd like to know that.

[Friendsofmine]

To me it sounds like you want a partner but he wants a companion and casual dating.

I would go with your gut.

[CherryRedDocs]

Well, yeah, that's what I'm thinking.

I do want a partner. I've done casual dating and had 'companions' in the past and it's been great and what I wanted/needed at the time. So I completely understand if that's where he is, but it's not where I am or what I want now. I do want a proper relationship and a partner.

I'm seeing him this evening. Might be time for that conversation. I feel a lot less anxious about it than I did earlier in the week though. So thanks all for that.

[Trahira]

I don't think he just wants to date casually. I think he likes you! He sounds to me like someone who is keen but doesn't want to rush things and isn't great at talking about their feelings. Finish with him if that's a problem for you - but don't finish with him because you don't think he's keen.

[Menora]

Ok I have been in similar situation - actually for 18 months!
We had the exclusive chat once then we appeared to become a couple, we went on holiday and met family and friends
But the entire time he never said ‘I really like you’ and certainly no security about what he thought or any talk of the future. I always felt on edge. we went out once to a beautiful place and I got the courage to bring up how I feel and he just kind of shut down, and gave me some lip service about ‘just taking things as they come’ and I remember feeling like crying. It was like all the actions were there but to be honest - you do sometimes needs the words too. It’s ok to say to yourself that you need to hear something positive from someone instead of guessing. I wish I had pushed it earlier instead of being 18 months in, and I don’t know why I let it go that far. I agonised over what to say and when, in the end he just detached from me

I think I did mean something but not enough. All you need to do is phrase this in a ‘where do you see this going’ way and if his response makes you feel disappointed then you know where you are with him

[ElloBrian]

Hi OP. Ok I have some thoughts here based on my own experience and reactions - if these don’t strike a chord in you then feel free to ignore me, but thought it was worth a try.

As others have said, you’re self sabotaging. Let’s unpack that a bit. Where does that impulse come from? Well, you’re at a tricky point in the relationship. Meeting people can be easy enough and then being in a relationship has its own highs and lows but your status at least is clear. What’s tricky is that in between stage when you’ve been dating for a while and are looking to transition into a relationship - you want the security of knowing things are settled, knowing what each other wants, knowing you’re together, and all that. It’s a difficult time, particularly for people who have been single for a long time. Because then being single is your default setting - the easiest thing to do is to go back to what you know, ie. singledom. So while you’re in this transitional stage where you’re building the foundations of a relationship together, your instinct in your head is flipping the ‘feels uncomfortable - emotionally exposed - insecure - default to single’ switch.
Building a relationship is about spending time together, building trust and creating a ‘new normal’. But of course you’re going to feel emotionally exposed and insecure and your self preservation instincts keep itching to pull down the shutters and go back to safety - to singledom. Creating any relationship requires both parties to consciously take a risk of getting hurt, and decide it is worth trying anyway. What you have to decide with this man is whether the potential reward of a relationship is worth the effort of taking an emotional risk, working through this transitional period where you feel emotionally exposed and not quite able to express that fully in the way one can in a committed relationship, and bear with it.
I’m sure there are some cases in which the people involved decided to skip the interim period and go straight to full relationship - and maybe that is a possibility for you too, if for example you decided to just sit the guy down and say ‘I’m really bad with going slowly, I like you, is this serious or not?’. But you may not feel that’s right for the dynamic you two are building together - we can’t know, it’s your call. If you don’t feel you want to try and push things forward, all I would say is that it’s natural to feel the way you’re feeling and if he is a good man then I would urge you to stick with it for a little while and at least see whether any of what I’ve said helps with the roiling maelstrom of emotion and insecurity and desire not to be hurt which it’s natural to be feeling in your position ...

[TheDeep]

but he wants a companion and casual dating.

How are you jumping to that conclusion?

He wouldn't be introducing OP to all of his friends etc if he wanted to keep it casual surely?

[PattiPrice]

PattiPrice sorry that happened to you’

Thanks OP. That brought a tear to my eye. I guess I’m feeling vulnerable today. For so long I was annoyed at myself for misinterpreting the situation and being so foolish. It’s years later and only now that I can look back and say I did not misinterpret his words. He said them. Not with the intention of misleading or hurting me but without any thought or meaning. If I wasn’t who I am, I might not have taken much, if any, notice or simply laughed at him. We were obviously very mismatched in personality.

I hope your chat goes well. You don’t have to have a heavy chat. Saying something lightly to him might be enough to gauge his reaction......

Maybe others here can help you with an appropriately light conversation starter.......