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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

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206 replies

sc93 · 28/01/2020 05:36

Hi guys just after some casual advice
I've been in two mentally and physically abusive relationships over the past 10 years, and now I'm currently in a new one and all seems to be good. He is twice my age but that doesn't matter as he is sweet loving caring and behaves in the same manner as me
However for two days now he has made the comment of "I wouldn't want you to get bigger than you already are" (I'm a size 12 and have been for years only been smaller in my teens)
Is this a dig at my size? I'm unsure of how I'm supposed to feel about this comment
Any advice would be great x

OP posts:
Ihaventgottimeforthis · 30/01/2020 11:25

OP this situation is the best it will be, and it is already making you unhappy.
He will continue to control and isolate and belittle you if you stay in a relationship with him.
Cut him off and let him sort his life out without you, he is not your responsibility.

Hepsibar · 30/01/2020 11:40

Words almost (almost) fail me. You are not a prize sheep whose life depends on how you look to someone else ... it is entirely up to you and NO ONE ELSE.

And I expect the person that said it has v limited emotional and intellectual ability ... perhaps they need to grow that.

RockinHippy · 30/01/2020 11:44

I'd have enough respect for myself to be kicking him out the door of no return after that remark. Massive red flag that he is not worthy of your time & love as his love is conditional on you looking a certain way that he approves of. By telling you this, he is laying down the rules of your future relationship & it is shallow as hell. Bugger that for a lark, cut your losses & get out now.

user142745271 · 30/01/2020 11:57

How far through the Freedom Programme course have you got so far?

All the puppy dog stuff is emotional manipulation. It's all control. If the end result is that you don't see your friends then it's irrelevant whether he achieved it by locking you in the house, beating you up, or manipulating you with tears and tantrums. Ultimately he's controlling you and you've said yourself you can't live like that again.

Given that this is all an act to control you, what does it matter if he says he thinks you're a bitch or not? All it means if he calls you a bitch or cries is that you're not doing what he wants.

Instead of worrying about him, how about worrying about your future self wanting to know why you neglected her and didn't protect her from him?

userabcname · 30/01/2020 12:13

Be a bitch. Hurt his feelings. You can be damn sure he doesn't give a flying fuck about how you feel, as long as you are dancing to his tune. Honestly he sounds like an old, pathetic loser who can't believe he has snagged someone young and beautiful so is going to chip away at your self-esteem until you feel like you can never leave him because he will make you feel like no one else will ever want you. You need to dump him asap.

Littlebb2020 · 30/01/2020 13:57

Left his family for you- so he is married? Kids? And you had an affair?
Sounds lovely.

HollowTalk · 30/01/2020 14:02

What everyone else said. He's a knob.

ThatThereWoman · 30/01/2020 14:32

Well yes, they had an affair while he was married, he left his wife and kids, his kids don't talk to him, he has no friends, he's twice her age, he is isolating her from her friends, he is making comments about her weight and appearance, he is needy and clingy, he is love bombing her and wants to move in with her after a month of dating. Hmm

What could possibly go wrong OP?

HollowTalk · 30/01/2020 16:04

I'm going to make allowances for you given your age and his age. You got in too deep and now he wants far more than you can handle.

I think you should send him a message saying, "I'm sorry but things have gone too far too quickly. I think you should go back and try to make things work with your wife. You're far too old for me and already you're trying to change the way I am. This isn't what I want. Please don't contact me again." Then block and delete.

NettleTea · 30/01/2020 17:01

He wasnt your college lecturer was he? Ive heard this story just too many times. Never ends well

JustHarriet · 31/01/2020 02:22

OP, you are doing an amazing job and it is courageous to post here to get the support you need.

From what you write you are observing your interactions with him and seeing some patterns you've had in the past, and some things you don't like. You're totally able to learn new ways of doing things, it will take some courage and effort.

It sounds like you are telling him what you wish by dropping hints (eg. suggesting that you see him on Saturday after your girls night, but making it sound like it is his option or something to discuss later). but unfortunately he isn't the kind of person who will pick up on your hints. It might be helpful to assert what you have decided, eg. "I plan to go to my girls night on my own on Friday and I will see you on Saturday. We can go out for dinner then". If you say it with conviction he may grumble/whinge and accept it, if he ramps up, you could say 'I'm sorry you don't like it but that is what I have decided' and stick to it. If he goes on and on tell him you need to go and end the phone call. You deserve a partner who respects your preferences!

Has the Freedom Program started? Let us know how you are going.

whatisheupto · 31/01/2020 02:42

Of course he's "as keen as ever" to move in together!! He's fucking won the lottery and he wants to make sure you don't escape his clutches!!
But don't believe everything he's telling you about his wife and his children... you're only hearing his side. E.g. "children won't speak to him" could well translate as he can't be bothered to make effort to keep up good relationship with them as it's too hard. He is their dad, he ought to be trying his hardest for them.

DaisyCutie3 · 31/01/2020 03:11

This is definitely a red flag. This is not a loving or respectful thing to say to someone and you deserve better.

HomeTheatreSystem · 31/01/2020 04:50

OP this was my father !! Remarried a much younger woman who was slim and beautiful but despite the fact his erstwhile good looks had long gone, along with a few of his teeth, he still felt entitled to criticise what she wore and ate! Not in a horrible ranty way but in a faux concerned way.

She was a trophy wife and he didn't want her letting HIM down by being anything other than slim, beautiful and well-dressed. He liked the double take other men did when they were out together. In reality, they were probably thinking "poor woman, having to shag that ugly old fucker".

He cheated on her too though I can imagine by that time (furry grey chest hair, halitosis to knock a donkey dead and an unfetching comb over of approx 17 dark hairs across his bald head) she was only too relieved he'd turned his attentions elsewhere. It was sad, over the years, to see the light go out of her eyes as he slowly crushed her spirit with his relentless demands on her. She lost her youth being physically abused by one man and the rest of it being a trophy wife to my father.

Walk away now and don't give a single flying fuck about hurting his feelings. He does not care about you for who you are but about how good you make HIM look. I am not sure, as a PP suggested, that you should tell him to go back and try and work things out with his wife ( she's probably running round screaming FREEEEEDOM at this point in time) but the rest of the message was to the point. He will be upset for sure but he will find a new victim soon enough. Please don't let it be you.

YouJustDoYou · 31/01/2020 07:23

Op I'd cry if you were my daughter telling me all this.

Pry him loose. Do it sharp and quick like ripping off a plaster and it's done. Block him. Ignore him. And you never ever have to deal with this again. He is already ruining your precious life - you have so few years on this earth, you will suffer even more than you already do if you continue this.

lesleyw1953 · 31/01/2020 07:35

Am I the only one feeling it for his wife and kids?

Lweji · 31/01/2020 07:39

Am I the only one feeling it for his wife and kids?
No, although it looks like they're well rid.

avocadoincident · 31/01/2020 08:01

Great post @JustHarriet , really wise words. X

GCAcademic · 31/01/2020 08:31

Yes, the wife and kids have had a lucky escape. Going from what the OP says about his modus operandi, I’m guessing that he isolated his wife from all her friends and family.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 31/01/2020 08:40

@sc93 with regards to the night out, he's going to keep changing his mind until the night itself until you decide you'll cancel to accommodate him, like you did with the weekend away.

You sound much stronger than you were in your previous relationships. Don't let him undo all your hard work. If you're not sure about living in then don't.

AmelieTaylor · 31/01/2020 09:01

It’s good you’re going to do the Freedom program.

But you’re still NOT actually listening.

Make a hot drink and re read the thread & actually HEAR what (almost) everyone has told you.

Worry about YOU, not him. He’s big enough to look after himself.

NettleTea · 31/01/2020 14:50

He also probably wants you to move in because he now has nobody to wash his dirty pants, clean the house and cook for him. He's provided the home, so its the least you could do, after he left his wife and kids for you

Weenurse · 31/01/2020 22:43

Run away

avocadoincident · 01/02/2020 04:25

I wish I'd had mumsnet at 19 for all this advice. Please don't ignore it OP. X

woooooo · 01/02/2020 06:28

My eldest daughter is the same age as you. I would physically stand in the way of her leaving the house to go to see a man like this.

There are SO many red flags in your posts. You can see them too. You know what to do. He is not a nice man and he doesn't care about YOU. But strangers on the internet do. We have no personal gain in telling you to leave him. But some of us have experience of being with men like this and the ending is always the same. Do your future self a MASSIVE favour by ending it now.

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