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[sc93]

Hi guys just after some casual advice
I've been in two mentally and physically abusive relationships over the past 10 years, and now I'm currently in a new one and all seems to be good. He is twice my age but that doesn't matter as he is sweet loving caring and behaves in the same manner as me
However for two days now he has made the comment of "I wouldn't want you to get bigger than you already are" (I'm a size 12 and have been for years only been smaller in my teens)
Is this a dig at my size? I'm unsure of how I'm supposed to feel about this comment
Any advice would be great x

I’ve had a relationship with someone with no friends and no life apart from me and suffocating was the word. He would have done that night out arrangement too and made me feel guilty about going. Make it clear he can’t come. Tell him today!

He's twice your age and making comments about your weight? Nah alarm bells.
You're just a trophy for an old blokes arm.

Op, let me tell you what he’s planning.

1. You move in with him
2. You provide sex whenever HE wants it, but tough if you want it and he doesn’t, because he’s getting on, what do you expect
3. You are no longer allowed to go out, because now he is supporting you
4. You are far from your friends so they are no longer a threat
5. He will become less sensitive and more controlling, mainly so you feel shit about yourself and don’t consider that there’s something better out there. He will put you down...your looks; your cooking; your ability to keep a nice home; the way you are with his kids (if he ever gets a relationship with them again) etc
6. He will cheat given any opportunity (if he’s willing to cheat with you, he’s willing to cheat on you)
7. In ten years time you’ll probably end up his carer, because he is a needy, controlling so and so, who is only interested in stopping you from having your own life

This man does not love you or care about you. You do not say things like he has done, to people you love. You build up the people you love, not bring them down. He loves himself only. He is thinking about what he deserves; what he is owed; what he wants.

Some women think that a man being controlling and jealous is a good thing...it means he loves you. It doesn’t.

He is already stopping you going away with your friend. Possibly even preventing you having a night out with her. Do you really want to give up your life for some controlling bastard, who in just a few years will be classed as an OAP.

He doesn’t deserve your loyalty. He showed his wife none of that after many years together, so why are you scared of letting him down? He’d do it to you in a heartbeat.

All the best op. I hope you are able to find the self esteem to go get yourself a fantastic life.

Why would you want to tempt a Dad and Husband away from his family. He's a prick for falling for it. Sounds as though he is attaching conditions on your relationship because he has given so much up for you. He's a nob and you are no better.

He's not needy and vulnerable, he's manipulative.

Massive red flags. LTB

IMO that is not abuse. Calm down!

I think everyone is massively over-reacting but I would think long and hard about the age gap - whats it going to be like in 10 years time.

I can assure you that women his own age wouldn't want him. He's no catch.

Stop worrying about hurting his feelings, do yourself a favour and get rid of him. ASAP.

Who does he think he is "I wouldn't want you to get any bigger" FFS just because you had a dessert

Oh op please get away from this vild man.

You have a choice here. Stay with him and be miserable. Or leave and have a happy life.

You need to not be in a relationship until you have developed appropriate boundaries to defend you from being so easily manipulated. Get rid of him and focus on working on yourself.

I wouldn't even know where to begin to tell him I want to slow things down without sounding like a bitch or hurting his feelings

This suggests you think that his feelings somehow are more important than your own. The traditional female role to serve and appease the more powerful male sadly still persists.

How about saying 'I want to slow things down'. As PP wrote, his answer will tell you a lot.

On an aside, and it may be coincidence but so.very.many stories I read here of strong seemingly confident women who find themselves astonished to end up in an abusive relationship .... mention that the relationship started in a rush. Being 'lovebombed' almost as if the man knows he has to secure her before she spits what is going on.

It might not be abuse yet but the key point is that you are doubting your own instincts and thinking that you 'should' somehow put his needs and wants first. The inability to state, even to expect, to have your own needs met in a relationship makes you feel, very vulnerable so that you need to at least be aware what abuse looks like.

The Lundy Bancroft link above would be a very useful read for you. All the best.

Please listen to all these supportive posts telling you that you are entering another abusive relationship.

It's easier to end it now than suffer what is coming next if you stay.

You've been through abusive relationships before, yes this one is slightly different, but it's got all the red flags and he's telling you very clearly that he is controlling and your life will not be your own.

Please step away from this relationship - you are in your late twenties, there are so many lovely young blokes to have fun and relationships with at that age. Look to your future, do you want to be this old blokes nurse, or do you want to get married and have children with someone who is your age and is lovely to you? It's your choice.

He's sabotaging your night out on Friday. He will sabotage whatever he can get away with. I wonder if he drove his XW's friends away too. What will your friend think if he comes? Don't do that to her. She's planned to meet you, put her first. He doesn't get to decide he's coming. And do not let him play games with you. Even if you said it might be ok, just be clear now and say it's not. Better still, dump him. By text. So you don't have to put up with his tears.

I'm confused at your comment that you have nowhere to go. Have you got to get out of your mum's house?

Whatever you do make sure you do not meet him tomorrow at any point as you'll not shake him off. Go cry on your friend's shoulder about this, and here of course.

And to add to the chorus, have my first LTB. What if you want kids or even some semblance of enjoying your late middle age? He's lining up a trophy carer.

Why didn’t you go away with your friend??? That is such a shame. You will lose her if you’re not careful, and that’s just what Dickhead wants.

Now, put on your trainers and run like the wind!

It’s a big fat nope from me op! Get away quick. And you shouldn’t feel bad about leaving him it’s what he deserves if he left his wife and kids.

How did you get together in the first place if he was married and left his family for you?

How did you meet this isolated man?
What do you family and friends think?
How long have you known him?
Listen to everyone, unanimous voices of leave him, if this it before you move in, you won’t be allowed over the door if you live with him, have you wondered why it was just him and his ex wife? He isolated her and now you’re next!!

He's making you feel guilty and tied to him, he's isolating you, he's negging you, all this is making you feel like you are reverting to how you were in your other relationships. That's because, despite it being a different form, some part of you is recognising his behaviour for what it is, abuse.
So many on here have been there, we know it's hard to break the cycle but it is possible, dump him, sharp and clean and possibly Lundy's book and the Freedom program. Good luck OP

Op time to start being assertive
Keep your plans with your small support network keep planning weekends away and nights out with your friends.
A quick I'll see you on y day I'm meeting up with friends on x day.
I'm not ready to move in yet"

No need to explain or think of excuses just get straight to the point and then repeat the same statements if this man questions you.
No matter how uncomfortable he tries to make you feel continue to answer: " no I'm meeting with friends as planned" " no I'm not ready to move in."
And as for comments on your appearance you can reply with a "really?? that's rude"
And whatever sort of or lack of social life he had with his wife doesn't have to be for you(you aren't her and will never be a copy of her) as he left her regardless in anyways.
Op if you are staying with him find your voice and keep finding it over and over until you realise that you are not compatible with this man.

The thing that really bothers me is that he doesn't want you socialising with friends. I'm a bit like your partner. I don't like socialising and tend only to socialise with my wife. But she goes out with hey family regularly, with work colleagues and friends. I stay home and look after the girls when she does and will generally facilitate (drop off and pick up so she can have a drink, change shifts to be at home, etc.)

Being with someone reclusive is fine, but if you're not reclusive then make sure you have the ability to maintain your own independent relationships.

I would say 'I wouldn't want you to get any older or more condescending but here we are'

I would say 'I wouldn't want you to get any older

Brilliant.

I had a previous partner say something similar to me, something along the lines of I was the 'biggest' woman he had been with, meaning my weight - I was a size 12. Essentially he was pointing out that his previous GFs had been skinnier than me. At the time I was 23 and very insecure and shy and just took it and went away feeling like a fat whale. If somebody made a comment to me like that now I would go ballistic and tell them to fuck off, and they would be dumped there and then. I would also be quick to point out that his is the smallest cock of any bloke I'd been with and see how he feels about that.

*You've had two abusive relationships. So you're now thanking god for sending you a middle-aged adulterer who has started belittling you before you've even moved in together. And he doesn't like you seeing your friends.

Seriously, sc93, you really can do better than this. And please bin the guilt about him having "given up" everything for you. He dumped his wife for a younger, slimmer woman he could mould and control (starting with the not-so-subtle warning to keep your body as he wishes to see it).

Please do some work on your self-esteem. Many therapists and self-help books can help with this. You can break this pattern of bad relationships - because believe me, the present one is bad: it can only look good compared with the previous two who beat you up.*

Lots of good posters but this kind has really nailed it I think.

*this one

So he's your father age, I presume. He'll dump you in no time when you won't be slim/young/insertwhatever enough for him. Run!